7/5/2007

I had such a good craniosaccral appt today.  I felt pretty good when I got there this am.  Didn't even take my cane into her house.  During the treatment this time I had a physiological response, not an emotional one.  I got nauseated and sweated profusely.  When she did the last bit - the energy thing - it felt like someone gave me a fresh breath of air.  I felt completely clean and energized.  I left there feeling wonderful.  Just a few minor pains since noon.  Its 9 pm now.  We went for a med/long walk at 8 pm and my only complaint were that I could feel my knees and hips weren't used to so much exercise.  I need to work them back up.  Otherwise, I'm pretty pain-free.  I feel delighted.  I'm just walking around here singing and dancing.  Its so silly and fun.

I went up and got my guitar out for the first time in over a year.  It felt so good to play.  I am so grateful we have found the answer.  I feel like my body has been held captive and tortured and now I have been liberated.  Its incredible how great I feel.

Dad is having a session tomorrow.  I hope it goes well.

I have so much energy now that I hardly know how to act.  Cooking dinner was so much fun.

I called UF today to start the process of trying to finish those classes.

I can't believe how good I feel!!!

7/3/2007

Today I saw Janice Barkley, a counselor in M'boro who Joyce referred me to.  She said that however I feel comfortable expressing my feelings will work.  Painting,clays, drawing, writing, speaking, just whatever.  So I am going to make an appt with myself every day to address these feelings.  She explained how I live only in the present moment.  Not in past moments, nor future moments.  What is my body saying to me now?  She said it is deconstructive to beat myself up over the past and those decisions.  Just live now and let the past be.  Say aloud "I retake control of my life".  She said feelings that are bottled up often need to be brought back to the surface and re felt before resolving.  She said that my history can be a "well-used tragedy" if I learn from it.  Be gentle with myself.  Be evaluative and not judgemental.  Not derogatory.  I did the best I could at that time.  Now, I would make different decisions.  But then, I did the best I could and what was right for me.  I am taking back my life.  Its not that I got a 2nd chance, its that I gave myself a 2nd chance.  I am empowered by it.  And whatever I need to feel is OIK.  Also, focus on what I want to do rather than what I think I need to do.  Don't be pushy with myself.  Pay real attention to my feelings.  Validate them.  Bear witness to what happened and how it made me feel by somehow getting it out of me.  Get the junk out.  The past mistakes have no power here anymore.  I shed myself of him.

I can call her if I want to see her in the future.  She was kind.  I got teary and sniffy.

I think it helped to see me how to continue to help myself heal.  Not a timeline, not looking for perfection, not being too hard on myself.

I will have my first appt with my feelings tomorrow.


If I remember one thing at a time and then express how I feel, I might be able to release it.

7/2/2007

This time, I was well for 7 days after my treatment.  Yesterday, mid-day I became debilitated again from pain.  Did not have to use wheelchair - cane only.  Rested all afternoon.  So far this morning I'm OK but we'll see.  I think I will hurt later.  Snoring is disturbing my sleep again.

6/28/2007

Today I feel good.  Really good.  From time to time some part of me aches or burns a bit, but its relatively minor and soon passes.  I have so much energy.  I am sleeping so well.  All night, not having to leave because of snoring.  I feel really happy and hopeful and excited.

6/26/2007

Last night was the first night ever, since I've been free from abuse, that I woke to the sound of snoring, and I did not have the automatic impulse to run, to leave the room.  I actually listened to the snoring and calmly drifted off to sleep.  I think I make have broken through that particular demon.  My back hurts a bit this morning, as do some other areas but, I did sleep on the floor all night. I think I will have  to heal gradually rather than instantly.  I am just trying to be gentle with myself.  Sometimes when something is hurting I make myself think he no longer has any power over me.  It is over.  Maybe if I keep telling myself this I will start to really feel healed deep down.

I am waiting for the counselor to call me back.

Went for a walk this morning .  I'm so grateful for my friendships with both my parents.  I have a lot to be thankful for.

6/25/07

Had my 2nd craniosacral therapy this morning with Joyce.  She was so kind.  She found a place on my left hip/back that was painful and triggered a specific memory of having been hit by Scott.  I cried.  She just let me know I was safe and I kept trying to embrace the pain like she said so I could get to the other side of it.  The therapy was very dramatic emotionally and physically.  She had me hollering out in pain.  Twice, my hands both went numb and at the end my feet too.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Stuck inside my body and my subconscious.  Even though I have mentally, emotionally, and psychologically moved on and healed, all that trauma - that energy of every hit I endured - stayed stuck in me.  I think I adapted to it for many years.  And then, either the fall or my subconscious knowing I was really safe, made the pain come to light.  Now, we can treat it and I can finally break any and all control he has continued to have over me.  I felt embarrassed earlier that we discovered that what has made me sick all along was post traumatic stress but, now as I'm  writing, I'm no longer feeling that way.  I was afraid for my life every day for many years.  There are war veterans who probably suffer similar problems.

I am going back next week to have another appt.

She did today's for half price again.  I think she felt a bit sorry for me.

She gave me the name of a good counselor whom I have already called.

I hope this is ti.  I hope I can work through it and get my life back.  I think I can.

I feel depleted.

6/23/07

Had to nap yesterday.  Was in quite a bit of pain.  Went to bed at 8 pm in pain with a terrible headache.  Did not take Lunesta.  Feel better this morning.  Hurting some but head is much clearer than yesterday.  Get serious deep pains.  Trying to just endure them instead of focusing on them.

Showered today.  I like showering so much.  One of the small things I have missed.

6/22/07

Slept 14 hrs last night.  Felt terrible this morning.  Lunesta made me totally groggy.  I still feel a bit out of it after bathing and being up for 2 hours.  I am able to walk independently but am in significant pain today.  I still believe I'm better than I was because I walk unassisted.  It got bad for me about 2 hours after we went for a walk.  A long, fast-paced walk.  No cane.

We talked about me getting a job and even getting married.   If this really is the fix for me and we know there won't be any huge medical debts attached to me then we thought we'd get married.  And so all his assets would also be mine.  I do want to get a job with some benefits.  I want a 401 k of my own.  My own security, even though he will share his with me.  I hate not having any assets for myself.

I hurt all over today.  5-6/10.  Feel doped up and dizzy.

6/21/2007

I have not been in disabling pain since Monday!  Not completely pain-free but, the pain I do still notice from time to time is certainly not severe.  Only like a 4 out of 10.  And very fleeting.  Even if this therapy just keeps me at this point, it is a livable state. I could work.

I have another appt on Monday at 9 am.  I'm gonna drive myself.

I have been blow drying my hair in the mornings.  It feels so good to be able to physically pay attention to things like that.  I did not ever want to endure the trouble of it while in pain.  Now, it is no trouble.  In fact, its a pleasure because then after, I look cuter.

I have called my aunt  because I looked up some therapists in her area who do this craniosacral.  I read that it can help with the pain of shingles.  I also told both my parents to get it - for Mom's neck pain and Dad's tinnitus.

I hardly know what to do with myself now.   I just feel so good.  I don't really want to sit still and just read.  I really should take this transition slow and easy thought.  Yesterday I got real tired about 12:30 and laid down for 20 min.  Did not sleep - just rested.  It helped.  I could easily over do it.

I hope this keeps up.

6/21/07

Feel pretty good all day but a lot of pain this evening.  Went for a long cane-free walk after work with Tim.  since then, arms, elbows, hands, shoulders hurt 5 out of 10.  Now both feet hurt 5-6 out of 10, and knees are starting to ache.  Need cane.

Tim is trying to help by rubbing on spine where I showed him.

8 pm.m Bad stabbing pain in hips and ears.  Bed early.  Took Lunesta.

6/19/2007

I had a hard time falling asleep last night due to excitement.  After I prayed and thanked God, I just laid there smiling.  After about 2 hours I fell asleep on the floor without having to take a pill.

I slept kind of restlessly.  Bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning.  I can hardly believe I feel so good.

Last night about 8:45 pm a few places began to hurt, but not serious enough to need a cane. I am thrilled beyond words.  I can think about my future, working, Tim, etc.

6/18/2007

Just got home from Joyce and craniosacral therapy.  I feel good right now.  Relatively loose, very relaxed - and not much pain.  Can walk normally without cane.  She had to stop earlier than she wanted because the van came right on time at 3.  She said next time we should allow 1.5 hours.

I am walking freely around the house!!!  I think this has actually helped.  I could feel different weird sensations during the session but nothing real remarkable.  I was so relaxed it felt like I fused with the table.  I was shocked to feel so refreshed when I left.

She said that my skull is kind of sitting crooked and there were problems in my neck as well as problems in my pelvis.  I can go back in 2 weeks (shes moving in a week) for more and I'm very enthusiastic!

Maybe I can really get my life back !!!!  :)

6/6/2007

We are about to leave on a car trip to Indiana.  Wed- Sun.  I hope we have a good time there.  It will be nice just to have a change of scenery for me for a few days.  Evy is staying at the house.  I hope shes not too lonely.  We've never left her alone before.

Jun 4, 2007

Today makes 17 straight consecutive days that I've not had to sit in a wheelchair.  Remarkable.  I am so pleased.  My hands hurt and other parts some too but, I kinda expected it.  I threw out my amitriptyline this morning.  did not sleep well.  Had to leave the room upon snoring noises.

We got up and tackled painting the last bedroom wall this morning.  It looks nice.  I am anxious to get the drapes back up and the room put together.

I am trying hard to keep my head positive and I know its important to live in this moment not dwell on past moments or future ones.  That will take some practice though.

6/1/07

Had a good visit with my PCP.  She seemed kind.  She was willing to give ma all my prescriptions.  She agreed to manage upping my Zoloft to 150 from 100 and said that if I'm not feeling better in 3 months that she would be willing to up it again.  She gave me the Lunesta I needed to sleep.  I also upped the Amitriptyline to 20 mg at night which made me drowsy so it was easier to fall asleep without a Lunesta.

This morning I stained the deck stairs that we rebuilt.  It felt so good to actually do something productive.  I think we're going to start laying pavers this weekend.

Got an email from Kim that she is not doing well.  I am going to pray for her more.  She really was good to me and it is not her fault that I couldn't do a good enough job for her.

I've made an appt to have craniosacral therapy in 2 weeks.  The lady is doing the first one for me at half price so I can see if it is helpful.  She said that any negative trauma - both physical and emotional get stored in the body as energy.  If that energy gets bound up, it can cause huge problems.  So, as I have nothing to lose and I've had more than my share of negative stuff, it could help.  I'm gonna do it after we get back from Indiana.  I think I'll be in extra pain by then.

We're going to Indiana on Wednesday.  I'll probably have to take Lunesta in the car.  I don't think I can face it awake.  Should take 5-6 hours

Tonight is pizza night.  I'm glad its the weekend.

5/31/2007

Saw Dr. Kroop yesterday.  Will never go back to her again.  She seemed unwilling more than unable to help me.  Said only that I should see a psychiatrist to get the depression treated.  I asked her "if I was someone you cared about, your friend or your sister - where would you have me go?"  she said the psychiatrist.  What a waste of $30.00  She said that she & I differ on our concerns to find out whats wrong.  I want to find out why this has happened _ I want to KNOW whats wrong with me.  She is done looking for whats wrong and says it doesn't really matter if the symptoms go away.  She wants to control the pain only and says if it goes away then I have nothing to worry about.  I want some doctor to be interested enough and curious enough that when they don't know whats wrong - they extend themselves to help find out.  I was so angry in the visit that I know I raised the tone of my voice.  She is notorious for interrupting but I did not let that happen, in fact I very much controlled the conversation.  She said again " I know this is frustrating".  I felt like saying "why would you even bother to say that to me.  You cannot know the frustration I experience.  It is not helpful for you to say that to me and its ingenuine".  But instead I just smirked at her.  She said "should we just leave the follow-up open?"  I said "why would I come back to you?"  She said "if something changes or if I need someone to talk to...." what a laugh.

Today, I go to a new PCP.  I hope it goes better.  I pray that she is at least willing to embrace me and my problems.  I would like her to increase the Zoloft.  I don't want to have to go to a psychiatrist for that.  I also hope she gives me the Lunesta prescription that I need.  Rozerem did not work.  Some nights I need it.
I'd like to get a haircut today.  I feel like a ragamuffin.

We ho to Stan's house in IN next week.  Driving there.  Maybe I'll take a sleeping pill when we leave.

I hurt so much today that I'm nervous about driving but I'm going to anyway.  Its not far.

Yesterday my arm/shoulder/hand hurt so bad that I could not even grip anything with my left hand.

The phone/cable/Internet doesn't work this morning.  Cell phone only.

I am trying not to feel down.  Didn;t get to read to the little ones the other day.

Maybe I need to pray more.  Whay is this happening to me?  Am I being punished for something?

5/25/2007

I have wanted to go out every morning this week but have been unable because of too much pain.  Today Tim is taking a 1/2 day and we're going to a movie this afternoon.  I hope I'm up to it.  I'm really looking forward to it.  We haven't done anything like that in months.  Rarely even have lunch out anymore.  I have had to take a nap at noon every day this week.

We're going to have a patio poured where our pool used to be.  Put patio furniture out there.  I'm excited for it.  A place so I can be outside and comfy and enjoy myself.

Evy has been not eating her wet food lately and has been puking up a lot of hairballs.  I feel bad for her.
  
Its been really hot here lately.

I get a headache almost every day.

Last nights bath really helped.  I was in agony.  didn't make the bath too hot.  Also did some yoga stretches in it.  But, the good effect is very temporary.  Ten minutes after being out - loads of pain again.  Have had to take a sleeping pill every night this week.

It's 8:30 a.m. and I feel like I need to go back to bed.  Don't want to though.

5/15/2007

I am trying really hard to do things to keep myself lifted up.  Try to help beat this depression on my own a bit.  Called to see if I can hang my photos in the coffeeshop again.  Left a message.  I had to really pep talk myself into it, too.  Lack of confidence.  But I did it.

The Dr. appt basically revealed that most of my cognitive functioning is about normal except for anything that required speed - which I did very poorly on.  Dr. Tramontana said that my concentration is being interrupted with and that makes things slow.  Also, he said that my depression is more significant than I am being treated for.  Suggested I see a psychiatrist who would increase the dose.  So, I am trying really hard to do things on my own to fight the depression.  Made some new recipes.  Took the small digital camera out of the drawer but, I haven't taken a picture yet.  I am waiting for inspiration I guess but, I think I will probably be waiting for a long time.  So maybe I just will have to do it even though I'm uninspired.

I moved Louie out of the guest room and in the living room on the mantle.  Evy doesn't bother him there and its nice to watch him.

We rearranged the TV and the chair so I can sit by the window and read.  The room seems much bigger.

5/08/07

Yesterday was miserable, all day.  I got depressed too.  I had to take 2 naps and still went to bed and took Lunesta at 6:45pm.  We had cereal for dinner.  I was in such pain.  I couldn't even hardly talk.  I couldn't think of anything to say - and when I did speak - it sounded so weak and small.  Like a sick child.

Today is better.  Its 9:30 a.m. and I went shopping this morning.  I just felt like I needed to do something, to be in the world somehow after yesterday.  It was fine.

I have a Dr. appt tomorrow.  I actually don't even really have hope that it will be telling.  I'm just gonna go and listen.  I'm running really low on hope.  I feel a little down.

Mom called twice yesterday and left messages.  I called her back and told her not to worry, that I'd talk to her today.  I just couldn't even talk.

Sent out mothers day cards today.  Couldn't write notes.  Just Love, Marie

4/30/07

My new niece will be born tomorrow.  Calin Marie Coates by cesarean.  I'm anxious to hear that everyone gets through it with health.

I had a horrible day yesterday.  I sat outside on the deck and read for a bit while  Tim fixed the pool water and mowed the lawn.  I was in such pain.  Finally, I took a bath and used the jets.  It relieved the pain while I was in the tub and for exactly 15 minutes after I got out.  Then it all came back.

We were watching Harry Potter and I got a little weepy.  I find that I actually cry very little.  But I yearn to cry often, I just can't or don't for some reason.  The frustration and helplessness and pure sadness of my situation just builds to be too much.  sometimes I feel like I absolutely don't know how I'm coping.  I'm sure its just because I live only one day at a time.

4/28/07

Yesterday  was pretty  good , I guess.  In the evening, I was not in great pain before bed like usual.  I wonder if the Amytriptaline might be helping or if I'm just on an upswing.

I got up this a.m. and went into Tim's bed to snuggle with him.  I miss waking up with him so much. I just can't tolerate even the slightest noise.

We ran our errands in an hour this morning.  I'd like to see a movie today.

I'm making salmon and risotto tonight.  Both new recipes.  I'm excited  I really do like cooking.

It's a beautiful day, 64 degrees.

Have replaced sleeping pills with Sleepytime Extra tea with Valerian root in it.  Yay!

4/26/07

Life is a bit boring and empty feeling for me.  Since I don't work anymore, I sometimes struggle wit finding something to do to occupy myself.  I can't really commit to working - not that there have been any offers- because I just really have no idea when I'll be able to perform or for how long.  It does feel like some element of stress has been removed that I don't have the work to worry about.  I cook and clean and try to make sure I do enough not to feel like I'm a freeloader.

My mood feels more stable recently.  Not terribly up or down - just regular.

What really disturbs me lately is that when pain gets very bad, I feel like my brain shuts down and I can't think.  I have a hard time communicating and remembering things.  It makes me feel so helpless.  I actually become helpless because between the physical and mental - I have no course by which to defend myself if I needed to.  It so scares me because there have been so many times in my life when I needed to call upon both/either my physical or mental strength to get me by.

My health seems to be about the same.  Some good days followed by some not good ones.  I underwent neuropsychological evaluation last week and will get the results in a week or so.  Tested my cognitive ability.  Dr. K says sometimes they can tell where pain is coming from by those tests.  Don't know if I'm supposed to follow up with her too or not.  She did want me to try Amytriptaline again so I've been on it for 5 days.  No significant side effects.  No benefits yet either.  Need to give it a month or two.  Tried it last year, I think.  Its impossible to remember if it helped or not and there are no notes I can find.

My favorite daytime show is the Gilmore Girls.  Wonder what that says about me!

Walked for 45 min this a.m. and burned 120 calories.

2/27/07

Today, I feel so good.  For the 2nd day in a row.  Its 2 pm and no pain to speak of yet.  Yesterday I did not even need to use my cane all day.  No serious pain until just before bed at 8pm.  I even walked - at a quick pace - around the block with Tim when he came home from work.  And I wasn't spent when it was over.

I don't know whether I'm just having good days as a coincidence or whether they are related to the juice fast I'm on.  Today is the 4th day of drinking fresh juice only and a banana each day and a few raisins.  Maybe I really am cleansing something out of me.  Or maybe I was reacting to a food or a preservative that was not tested for.  All I know is that I have not picked up my cane today.  I spent an hour in the yard pruning bushes in the sunshine.  I walked freely to the mailbox.  I have not sat in my wheelchair since Saturday - 3 days.  It is so nice.  Even if it does not last, I am truly enjoying it.

Today is like spring.  60 degrees.  Beautiful.

I sent out several more resumes today.  Hopefully something will happen soon.

2/23/07

It was good to have my folks visit.

K fired me.  I feel only mildly disappointed about it because I think I saw it coming.  She had been putting snide remarks on my reports for several weeks and then she assigned me a difficult stat job.  I think she feels guilty about letting me go and she was waiting it out and setting it up.

I already tested the very next day for another company.  I'm just a bit bored now.

The weather is much better.  50's - 60's instead of 20's-30's.  I'm in less pain in general.

I haired an advocate service to help me with my SSI disability appeal.  My caseworker is coming to meet me next Friday.  Vicki, she sounds nice and is anxious to meet me and help me.

I think I'm going to try juice fasting for a bit and then reintroduce foods into my diet.  I don't know what else to do.

I've gone down to 3/4 of my Topomax - hopefully then to 1/2 of it.  The cost of crazy.

Yesterday the oven caught fire but I put it out.  I did good but it really scared me.

I'm still exercising.

2/2/2007

Yesterday, I went overboard on a walk around the block and then I really suffered the whole rest of the day.  I should have not pushed it.  I had to go to bed at 7 pm and I could only stay awake barely long enough to say my prayers.  Slept well until 4 am.  Been up since then.  Did a little work this morning.  I'm not very good at my job as I used to be when I was doing it every day.  I have lost some of my "ear".  I made some mistakes last week on a report that I probably shouldn't have.  I want to take only easy docs now - no Gelzer Bell - no Zalhman Kahn.

Got a call back from Dr. Kaminski today.  He thinks there is not a problem with my neurological system.  Agrees with Dr. Duncan that it is not Central Pain Syndrome.  Said there's nothing wrong with my brain or spine.  I don't exhibit the patterns of CPS.  Said my6 best bet was to try a place like May or Johns Hopkins U.  At least I know now that the other diagnosis was wrong.

My folks are coming to see us in a few days.  I'm excited.

2/2/2007

On 1/31, I saw Dr. Kaminski at St. Thomas.  He was the most compassionate Dr I have seen yet.  He was not supposed to take me on - said I snuck in - and only supposed to give me 14 minutes.  But he spent about an hour with me.  Listening and examining and really making sure he had a full understanding of what I live with.  Said he will go over Dr. Duncan's  & Dr. Quinn's notes and call me in 3-4 days with his assessment - if any more testing can be done - a final diagnosis  and prognosis.  I am anxious about that call.  I am so relieved to have had such a good Dr. visit and to feel so truly heard.

Pain is severe today.

Three inches of snow outside.

1/27/2007

Today is Saturday.   This week, I switched back from Cymbalta to Zoloft.  I'm on a half dose for 2 weeks, then up to my regular dose.  I started feeling some side-effects when I changed the med - lots of dizziness and head-spinning, also nausea and confusion.  And, in addition, the pain has gotten extremely bad again, like it was several weeks ago.  coincidentally, I am due for my cycle in several days from now.

I have the Dr. visit on Wednesday.  I hope something good comes from it.

I'm starting to get excited about Mom & Dad coming.

My dreams have been excessively vivid.  Very good and very nightmarish violent in the same dream.  Several nights in a row.  Its a bit disturbing.

Its so nice to have Tim home.

1/23/2007

No working for me today.  Pain is very bad.  Not depressed thought.  Managing to just be relaxed about it.  Reading & watching TV.  It got bad last night in the evening.  I almost fell and Tim caught me.  I would have if he had not happen to have been standing there.  Lost my balance completely.  I keep reminding myself that I might not have a choice about living with this but, I don't have to suffer from it.  I can choose not to.  So far today, a decent day.  Painful but decent.

1/22/2007

I feel good today.  Not much pain.  Slept in.  Got more lines done than I have in a month.  I haven't been taking as many sleeping pills recently and I think I got to sleep  in my bed every night last week.  We've been running the small humidifier in there.  Maybe it is helping.  I don't think its the drug Cymbalta though, even this is week 6.  I just think this is a low- pain period.  I'm planning to switch back to Zoloft this week, I think.
   I made cookies yesterday for Tim and didn't eat any.  I need to lose about 8 pounds and I really want to.  More than I want cookies.  I was proud of my control.  I made salmon last night for the first time.  Cold Mountain is on TV right now.  So far, a little sad.  I'm getting excited about mom and dad coming.  My new Dr. appt is next week.  I'm not going to ask Tim to buy a treadmill after all.  It seems like a better solution for me just to pace the house.  Then I can stop instantly when pain hits without a belt pushing me along.

1/19/2007

Today I worked right after Tim left, like I used to but, I only did 2 jobs and stopped.  I was getting bad pains and just couldn't concentrate.  Then I tried to go back to bed but couldn't .  I've been bored all day, watching TV.  Now I have a splitting headache.  I'm kinda lonely today.  Haven't talked to anyone.  Did a lot of walking.  I really want to get my shape back and a few pounds off.  Its so hard now.  I wish I never went on that steroid.

Evy is asleep upstairs.  I'm glad its Friday.  At least Tim will be with me for 2 days and I won't be alone.

1/18/2007

Yesterday was pretty good for me.  I worked.  I cleaned some house.  I got to wake up in my bed instead of on the floor or in the guest bed and I slept in since it was Wednesday.  I made a list of everything I wanted to do and I did almost all of it.  Didn't quite get the bathrooms all clean but half done.  Today, I hurt a little more so, I am not working.  Read a little.  Slept in my bed all night again which is nice.  K emailed that shed doesn't think she needs to edit my work anymore and wants to send it to approved unless I specifically send it to be edited.  That's good news, I guess.  Today I spent about $100.00 online on a fluffy mattress pad for the guest bed - both for my comfort and for when m y folks come.  It comes with 2 free pillows, which we need.  I also ordered one of these blow-up exercise balls to work out on with a pump.  I probably shouldn't spend $100 since I really can't earn it right now but, Mom said she would help me next month, and I really don't think Tim would mind.  I don't do this kind of thing often.  And the shipping cost is better than having me drive around and better than him doing it on the weekend.

It looks like we might have new neighbors behind us.  There's a moving truck back there today.  And a motorcycle.

Sometimes I feel like such a loser of a person, in general.  I mean, I'm 38 and I've never signed a mortgage, finished college, bought a car - of my own doing- had a child or a wedding - so many things.  It takes a pretty conscious effort to turn my eyes toward the positive things I have done and what I do have.  For some reason, its so much easier to see the negative.  I don't know why.  I wish it wasn't that way.  But some days it seems to be.  The moral of the story is not to compare myself with others - there are always greater and lesser persons than myself.

1/16/07

My mood is a bit better today.  I was finally able to go to the bathroom after many laxatives!!!  I think all that toxic s**t makes me depressed on the insides.  I had a terrible night.  I emailed Dr. Q and asked for her advice.  But in the light of the morning and after the bathroom, I do have a better mood.  Literally lighter and brighter.  I think I should stop taking Cymbalta just for that reason.  I even worked to day with some more waiting for me now.  I am anxious for spring.  I used to have a grip on this problem and I hate that I lost it.  Hopefully, I will get it back soon.

1/15/07

Here's another attempt at journal writing after a long delay.   I've had a recent set back that's been hard for me.  I was at a "baseline" place where I was adapted and I was handling things and then, I lost it.  During my last period, I think I may have miscarried, and I'm not sure if that's why the pain was so bad for that whole week or not, or if that even happened but, since then, I can't seem to get myself back to "normal".  The pain has gone back to its regular deal, I think, but I can't get readjusted to it mentally.  I can barely work and prepare our meals.  Last week I only worked one day for 2 hours.

I'm gonna make an effort to write each day to see if that helps me.

I'll be on my Cymbalta for another week and a half to see if it really is going to help with pain.  But, I'm having such trouble going to the bathroom.  I really want to go back to Zoloft.  And I'm really struggling against feeling sad and sorry for myself.  I think Zoloft worked better for me.

Mom & Dad are coming to visit in a month.  I'm excited about that.

K (my medical transcription boss) said that I will always have a job with her.  She is willing to work with me and wait for things to resolve.

I have a new Dr appt on Jan 31 with a neurological diagnostician called Dr. Kamenski.  I hope he thinks for something the others did not.

That's all for now.

Evy is on my lap.