Today I saw Janice Barkley, a counselor in M'boro who Joyce referred me to. She said that however I feel comfortable expressing my feelings will work. Painting,clays, drawing, writing, speaking, just whatever. So I am going to make an appt with myself every day to address these feelings. She explained how I live only in the present moment. Not in past moments, nor future moments. What is my body saying to me now? She said it is deconstructive to beat myself up over the past and those decisions. Just live now and let the past be. Say aloud "I retake control of my life". She said feelings that are bottled up often need to be brought back to the surface and re felt before resolving. She said that my history can be a "well-used tragedy" if I learn from it. Be gentle with myself. Be evaluative and not judgemental. Not derogatory. I did the best I could at that time. Now, I would make different decisions. But then, I did the best I could and what was right for me. I am taking back my life. Its not that I got a 2nd chance, its that I gave myself a 2nd chance. I am empowered by it. And whatever I need to feel is OIK. Also, focus on what I want to do rather than what I think I need to do. Don't be pushy with myself. Pay real attention to my feelings. Validate them. Bear witness to what happened and how it made me feel by somehow getting it out of me. Get the junk out. The past mistakes have no power here anymore. I shed myself of him.
I can call her if I want to see her in the future. She was kind. I got teary and sniffy.
I think it helped to see me how to continue to help myself heal. Not a timeline, not looking for perfection, not being too hard on myself.
I will have my first appt with my feelings tomorrow.
If I remember one thing at a time and then express how I feel, I might be able to release it.
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