Nov 30 Catch-Up

It has been a long time since I have felt clear-headed enough when the computer was also free for me to write.  (There's some kind of war going on lately whereby my husbands goblin gang roam around looking for treasure, slaying all those in the way....and I guess battles need to be tended to rather immediately...)

Much has happened to me, emotionally at least, in the last several weeks.  I have had some eureka moments which I hope stay with me, even when my fog is very dense.  First, I really do think I am gluten intolerant.  Also, intolerant of additives and preservatives.  I have been on a juice diet for about 3 weeks, beginning the 4th now.  It has helped me lose some more of the pounds I want to whittle away.  I plan to stay on it until the New Year.  I am eating some small solid foods, but trying to really just give my body nutrients it can use more immediately. I am down 20 pounds with only 10 to go by May of next year.  That's within reach.  I am not letting myself get too hungry, that's a sure fire migraine trigger.  So, I'm enjoying that small accomplishment.  It is especially successful since I have accomplished nearly all of it with nutrition change.  I do some pilates a few days a week, but not enough to burn any significant calories.  I'm not in the vigorous exercise category, but the sedentary one, unfortunately.

Second, my symptoms are still moderate, have not gotten severe again for more than a couple days at a time, even though the weather has been cold and wet for about a week.  I don't know if the nutrition change has helped to keep things more balanced so pain isn't triggered, I have no idea why this spell of cold wet weather is treating me ok when some in the past haven't.  I do know one thing, I have only left my home once in the past 4 days and stayed indoors only.  Blessed with warmth and shelter.

A friend suggested a book to me which was fantastic.  I listened to it but, I now want to read it also. It's called The Shack by William P. Young.  It has given me a new and different perspective about my spiritual relationships and what I want my goals to be.  It has pointed out to me once and for all that our human striving for independence (the thing that was stripped from me by this illness) is nearly on the same level as idol worship.  It is not of God.  In fact, the more we try to control whatever in our lives, the more we prove to Him that we don't trust and love Him in the way He wants.  Independence from Him is wrong.  We need to need Him in order for our hearts to open enough to let Him in.  So, I now see that before I got sick, I did seek independence fiercely.  I had been somewhat controlled by others for some years and I was then beginning to do MY thing.  I had MY goals, MY plan and path.  He simply wanted me on His path, to know His plan, in His time.  So, for me to get there, it took stripping me of my independence LITERALLY.  Now, I frequently need help.  Physical, emotional, psychological, logistical, mental, all kinds possible.  And I ask for it when I do.  Or I try to, and I usually accomplish it.  I am deep in the category of needy now.  I need Him.  I need others.  This creates one other beauty, a grateful heart.  When a heart is grateful, it cannot carry anger, resentment, bigotry, whatever is dark.  Grateful hearts know God's love.  They are filled with it and those around them are touched by it.  This is my prayer for my life.  That others know I have a grateful heart and that I want to share God's love with my brothers and sisters.  He loves us all, all of His children.  He loves killers, rapists, bombers, Grannys, girls, boys, teachers, stockbrokers, all of His children.  None He created are unloved.  I'm going to stop now because I'm both unsure if I'm making sense and I don't want to misrepresent or spoil the book if any of you'd like to read it.  It is just a stunning piece of work.

Last Wednesday would have been Monica's 42 birthday.  I was okay most of the day until I saw a beautiful, breathtaking piece of art created of her by our brother.  The water works opened again.
I made and ate a pumpkin cheesecake because I'm told that is what she'd have liked for her b-day.  The real interesting thing is that on the next day, Thanksgiving Day, I felt fine.  I had spoken to everyone I loved and left many messages for others.  So, while war was waging in here on the keyboard, I decided I'd watch Dances with Wolves, having never seen it.  It's an old movie so, I'm not afraid of spoiling... when they murder Two Socks, I lost it.  I cried so hard that it was painful.  I could not stop.  I think I wept for 30 minutes.  Tim came and found me part way into the mess and held me.  I just could not handle the meanness to the innocent.  It crushed me.  I know some of that sadness was leftover from the previous day.  I also know that some of it is the fact that I am drawn to be near my loved ones during the holidays, and I am far away.  I also know that no matter how much I understand why I am now needy, I will still grieve my loss of independence.  And I do.  I surely do.

I must go do something else now, as I can no longer feel my hands or feet from the cold.  Circulation in them is poor, at best.  Also, its lunchtime.  Yay, more juice!!

Grateful for those who love me, really love ME, who I am, who I've been, who I will become.  Grateful for the abundance of the situation in which I live.  Food, shelter, water, heat, all of it.  Truly grateful.  Praying for lots more clear headed days so I can write in full sentences which complete my thoughts, instead of half-thoughts.  I do enjoy this so.

Have lovely days!  Decide to be happy.

Surprisingly Moderate

The weather has been rough here for a few days.  In fact last night there was a tornado warning at 3 am for about 30 min or so.  Weather like that usually creates a combo of symptoms that have me feeling, let's see how to put this, like I've dropped into a conscious coma and been set on fire.  Yes, I think that does it.  So, imagine my surprise and delight at my ability to walk around a bit and do a few chores in a row.  I love moderation.

Bittersweet that the fall used to be my favorite season but now, it really is my most painful one.  I haven't been out to pilates for 2 weeks.  I hope to go tomorrow.  We'll just see how today and tomorrow morning go.

I am still keeping my waking hours as full of pleasant things as I can, although, sometimes pleasant things have a third or fourth row seat to the show that is ME.  And a few days ago I began selling some of my little creations on Etsy which does connect me to the world at large again.  I so miss that connection.  Last week one day I had to reach for my narcotic pain med 3 times, which I've never done in 10 years.  I was actually only out of bed that day for about 30 minutes, in spurts.  This week is better so far.  I try hard not to need to reach for the hydrocodone and I usually succeed.  I can go for many, many months and handle my pain in a way other than pharmaceutical.  I used to see relying on the pain meds as a weakness, or a surrender if you will.  Not anymore.  Not at all for me to judge.  If a person in pain cannot handle it, whether they have tried something else or not, let them have medicine.  The time to talk and think about how to handle pain is not when you're IN the pain.  It has to be when you're in a valley, not a peak.  I have to plan to be in pain.  I have to know what to do, how to think, how to treat myself, how to speak to people so they can understand me.  It's a whole different version of me.  But by the time I get to the peak of the mountain it's too late to expect me to be able to do anything except survive it and follow a rudimentary plan of action.  Some folks might not know how to make a plan.  Some may not realize that a strategy is even necessary or helpful.  And I think they are the ones who do rely so heavily on narcotics.  Further, I feel for them now.  I feel a compassion that was not in me before.  I used to think they took the easy way out.  Really, they are taking the only way out.  The only other way out is a permanent one that we need not address here, in this "joyful and thankful" post.  lol.

My little support group of ladies is made up of 6 of us who all have my illness.  All of us have some extra different disease dangling from the bracelet, if you will.  One has rheumatoid arthritis, one has bipolar, it goes on and on.  Anyway, we haven't been well enough to all meet for a month now and I miss them so.  We meet on Mondays and the texts keep saying "can't get out of bed"  or  "have a migraine" or "unsafe to make the drive".  A motley crew we are.  But I told them yesterday that at least we now have each other to share those things with.  Before them, I had few people I could just pick up my phone and talk to who would TRULY know what I was going through.  Now, even though we aren't getting together, at least the Lord has put us all on a cross-path and we were able to meet.

Today I am thankful for the fact that I am ambulatory despite the crap weather and that my home did not become damaged in the tornado last night.  Also, I've lost 19 out of the 30 pound goal I'm working on, so, thankful my efforts are paying off.  Yay me!!