Bonafide cheering section

I want to first say thank you to my bonafide cheering section in the world.  I forget that you're there and then when you remind me of your presence, it feels like a gift.  I'm so grateful for you few.  

The Christmas tree is up and lit.  Nothing else decorates it yet but, progress has been made.  I did neither of those tasks, btw.  I knocked a couple of things off my To Do list today.  Maybe half of them.  That's solid achievement.  Finding my way back toward proper perspective to take a win anywhere I can get one.

Only slept a few hours last night.  Haven't suffered physically today as I'd have predicted as the result, except for the migraine, of course.    Here's this month's tally.  I have two pills left.  "They"  you know, BIG PHARMA and all their importance and rules, will let me have another 9 pills on Friday.  I think I will make it this month.  I think I actually will make it.  I have to go out tomorrow, but just to a doc appointment and home.  Cutting out the swimming.  Recognizing it as too much for me in spite of how much I LOVE it.  And on Friday, I have a new doc appointment which is predicted to last at least 3 hours, so, saving a pill for that bundle of loveliness.   Not gonna lie, nervous about that one.  Timothy will be with.   Tried twice to nap today, failed twice.  But, did get solid rest, which, for today at least, counts.

This year's tree is bittersweet because our kitty LOVED to lay under the Christmas tree.  Every year she'd snuggle down.  It's only our 2nd Christmas together without her.  I just searched for a pic of her under a tree, but couldn't find one, so, here's a lovely one. We don't generally photograph our Christmas trees.  In fact, I couldn't find any but, I didn't search all that hard, either.

Anyone who struggles with depression, I highly recommend Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson.  I'm listening to it now for probably the third time.   Maybe the fourth.

Let's see, what other minutiae to report?  Got some nice Lupine Martingale collars for the dogs and the walking/tugging situation.  Today was our first time out with them, and all 3 of us returned home in the original 3 pieces in which we left.  Goes without saying that we walked back and forth in front of our home and two homes up and down in each direction, for about 20 minutes.  Again, accomplishment.  Baby steps, y'all.

It was pointed out to me by my sweet spouse that one of my passwords was ultra-depressing, and I didn't realize that.  So, yesterday, I went on a password changing spree.  Feels good to shed that negative.  No, I will never forget, but that doesn't mean I have to type it in.  Now the passwords are positive and factual.  And no, they aren't IMISSEVY2.  If they were, I'd use IMISSEVYAZILLION2.

I felt weary last week, getting through a family holiday as we do with utter absence of family with us.  And the fact that the day after was Monica's birthday, pulled at me.  A couple days, I stayed in bed a lot of the daylight hours.  As of now, Monday evening of the new week, in the twinkly lights, color twinklies, not white ones, I feel less weary.  I am not myself.  But, I am also not somebody I don't wanna be, if that makes sense.  This is one of those times in my life I am making a conscious effort to be thankful for because, it is in these times that I 1)am reminded of my cheering section, 2)pray more and stop and be still to listen for answers, 3)compare how good things normally are for me, 4)hopefully learn and grow.  It's a genuinely uncomfortable time but, I understand its arrival and necessity and I appreciate that I really am being cared for, genuinely cared for.

Got an early Christmas/Birthday present with my new Samsung Tablet.  I was gonna write which kind it is but, now its in the protective casing, and I can't remember how to figure it out.  My other tablet had become non-responsive.  This new one is lovely.

Oh, also selling a few Twiddle Muffs, which is also lovely.  Having a "sale" that for every one I sell before the end of the year, I will donate one to a local dementia unit.   I put down my crochet several weeks ago because it had become so painful.  Haven't picked it back up yet.  Emotional armor not strong enough for disappointment again so soon, not to make negative predictions, but you know, just in case it still hurt to hold the hooks.  Just in case, I'll be ready soon.  Baby steps.  Coloring instead now.  Nice but, not nearly as lovely as crochet for me.

Have pulled myself away from web searching about miscellaneous health issues.  This was/is good advice.  Spending very minimal time on social media, in general.  Trying to listen to God and hear His will for me.  And waiting for doctor appointments.  Who sings that song, "the waiiiiting is the hardest part"?  Truth.  Whatever is, is.  The end.

I'm gonna call the stable that's just about a half mile down the road from my neighborhood and ask them if I can come out one afternoon, and just hang.  I feel like if I could be in the company of a horse for an afternoon, all would be right with the world again.  OK, not all, that is really too much, but, a good bit would feel soothed in my soul. Better? More realistic.   A good, good bit of soothing.  
Thankful for them.  Have happy happy days.

Today I go out

Today is my day out.  First the bus picks me up and takes me to the pool.  I'll stay there for a couple hours, then take a Lyft car over to my psych appointment.  Then the bus picks me up there and brings me home.  I look forward to pool day all week.  When I am in the pool, I cannot wait for the next day I can get to it.  However, the ride home from Plano, mid-day on a bus takes nearly 2 hours, and sometimes more, which needless to say, isn't good for me.  But, I still can't wait to get to that warm water.  I am free in the water.  There isn't any pressure on any part of my body.  I have no stress whatsoever.  It feels miraculous.  Or as close as I think miraculous can, given my hand of cards dealt.

We spread Evy's remains out in front of our home by one of the large trees.  I miss her so much.  Sometimes the ache begins to abate, and then I remember she isn't going to come around the corner and "I love you" ankle rub me, and then I ache again.  It will be a long sad road back from this loss.  I did beg God after her initial collapse that He take the decision from Tim and I and when it was time, just to please take her from us.  I prayed hard, selfishly, to not have to make the decision.  And He granted me that.  So, so grateful.  She was a super, super quiet kitty so, she was ever present, even though you didn't necessarily hear or see her.  She was just always here.  I think she had a happy life with us, and that gives me comfort but, the heartache remains.  The void is ginormous.  More than 12 years as my 24 hour companion.  For the first 7, there were no dogs, just me and her.

I finally gathered as much family health history as I possibly could from every parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, uncle, and first cousin, niece and nephew I have to complete a form for UT Southwestern for them to determine whether I will be admitted to be seen in their Adult Genetics clinic for evaluation.  I called the lady's office number on the day I mailed the form to be sure I was sending it all to the right place and chatted with her a moment.  She asked what I wanted to be evaluated for and I told her.  The next question was whether anyone in my family had had an aneurysm.  When I said yes, she said OH, and then she was silent for several beats.  That is a scary silence, if you've never heard it.  Then she said she'd do her best to process my form quickly when she got it.  At that point, there seemed to no longer be a question of whether I'd be seen by them, but only when.  When I try and take a step back from my life and look at it, how understandable that I am sometimes just overcome with anxiety.  I might have a truly dangerous form of a disease, a chronic and incurable disease.  Meanwhile, I already have an illness that leaves me without physical and mental resources to cope  very successfully sometimes.  I find myself reaching for the newly prescribed Xanax more and more often.

And to make matters even more scary, I will have to find a new mental health professional after only 5 more visits.  I have to change insurance, I have to.  Mine won't take the new plan.  This is something millions of us go through.  But, my level of anxiety is so high right now that I feel panic in not knowing who will help me take care of myself.  Tim had to pick me up off the kitchen floor in a mess of sobs over the weekend.  Grief and fear are very real players in my game right now.  They are undeniable.  I'm having trouble.  Thank God Tim is stable enough to help me, at least he seems to be.

Thankful that it is a pool day.  Thankful for my friends who still insert themselves into my life, because I just lack the energy to reach out to them, even though I need them.  Thankful for my spouse who so far is not infected by my downward spiral.  Prayer for stability and courage.

Have happy, happy days today!

Gotta write

I maybe shouldn't write tonight because the heartbreak is so raw, so new.  We got her from a shelter in 2005 just a month or so after I first came down with disabling symptoms.  She has been my companion through all of them.  Through every single one.  She purred next to me when I was sure I'd die from pain.  She rubbed against me an "I love you" when I was devastatingly lonely and isolated.  And today, she died sort of in my arms as I sang her our song, You Are My Sunshine, while we were in a Lyft on the way to the vet.  She was still breathing when we got there, but they told me she was gone by the time the nurse brought her back to the doctors.  The worst, the absolute worst is this:  I fed her this morning and she didn't seem to be as strong as she was for the last few days, but, I had to get on the bus to go to Dallas for a neurology appointment.  At the doctor's office, I learn that, in fact, I have an appointment next Friday, not today.  And I was so f******g cheap that I wouldn't take a Lyft home, or call a friend, I just decided since I didn't feel so bad that I had my crochet and my lunch and a book, and I'd just wait the few hours.  I should've come home.  I just should've.  At least she wouldn't have been alone when she collapsed, which is how I found her.  God I hope she heard me singing.  She was my sunshine.  Sweet Evy.

Grateful that the Lord took the decision from me and Tim.  Truly grateful for that.  And for her presence in our lives.