I want to thrash out at someone or something. I'm so hurt that this has happened again. I'm wanting to turn to someone or something else and reign down destruction on them so they hurt too. I'm truly desiring to destroy. To hurt as much as I hurt. So far, I'm successful at not taking this change out on anyone or anything. But, that's a job in itself. The utter devastation that I feel seems to have some drive of its own, wanting to multiply.
So, again, as always, I turn to gratitude to bridge me to grace.
There was a period of 10 long years or so in between the last "remission" in 2008-09, which was 14 months, and the more recent one of 18 months or so. Only God knows how long it will be until I have another.
Here's everything beautiful I was part of in my latest 18-month remission:
I was a positive wife.
I was an eager homemaker.
I joined a church, became involved in my church, actively serving the Lord by lectoring.
I made friends.
I nurtured friendships.
I pruned relationships that served me badly.
I hold the faces of hundreds of kids and babies in my heart who I spent time with at Children's Health hospital.
I hold the images of dozens of animals I encountered while volunteering at my local shelter and rescue organization.
I was generous.
I helped to hold/host/organize/whatever our city's first awareness race for my particular disease.
I became Nutritarian.
I walked a half-marathon.
I saw the Grand Canyon and hiked in it.
I went to Las Vegas and hiked all around it.
I danced at my brother's wedding.
I fed the homeless, learning names, and praying with them.
I went to Universal Studios, and rode the roller-coasters.
I drove myself around my town and further.
I tried to spread kindness, and did.
I kept a grateful heart.
I engaged in wellness therapies.
I helped re-shape my neck.
I showered every day.
I walked my dogs easily and eagerly.
I prayed.
I became a Daughter of the King.
I let myself live without my disease at the forefront, where it had been for so long. I didn't wait for the other shoe to drop.
So now that I've listed some stuff, I feel far less destruction-y. lol The awful truth is that the little mini-Marie is so devastated inside me, deep in my psyche, that simple grieving isn't gonna do it. I haven't cried yet, over the loss. No telling when that will come pouring out.
I know I am loved.
May you not forget your Blessings. I haven't.
Marie
