I feel overwhelmed by what has happened in our country and the world this week. First, it is late and I have already taken my nighttime meds so, this may get rambly. Second, I can feel myself, my mood drooping down like a plant without enough water. Third, I don't know what the answer is to sprout back to myself.
In West, TX, only about 75 miles from my home, a huge tragedy has occurred. I want so desperately to help. Even help only one person. Yes, I'm praying for all. But, I want to DO something. I want to take action. Prayer feels like not enough, although it is the ultimate, I know. I feel uninvolved in my community and unable to assist when my heart wants to help. Limited again by my situation. I want to motivate groups to donate and find a person with a truck and drive down supplies. I want to foster a displaced pet. I want to HELP. But, I'm not actually able. It sucks. One more thing in life that I have to come to terms with being denied.
When I have good days, I am so bright and well spoken that I could easily organize gathering of household objects and clothes in my own neighborhood, gather them in my home and find a neighbor with a truck and pay for gas to haul down to the site. Maybe bring home a temporary guest in the form of a homeless pet. I would be all over that.
But, it is not in the cards for me to get to participate that way. I have to be satisfied in just praying for them and trying to do nice things for every person I encounter. That will be my way of helping. Trying to spread some cheer. I feel inadequate tonight and like I don't have anything of any importance to contribute. This feeling doesn't come over me often and I hate it. I usually have quite high self esteem. Not today.
And also, another ugly and selfish truth is that I am so scared about my own safety if there were ever any emergency near me. I would need to be cared for entirely. I would be just as dependent as those nursing home folks were in West. That is a humbling and depressing realization. And it cannot be changed. It is what it is. I have to cope with it. I am young enough and sometimes sharp minded enough to think of clear viable ways to contribute. Yet, in the next few minutes, all that strength of relative youth and mental clarity are gone, just gone and I need to be cared for entirely. It feels more than a bit cruel tonight.
I added an extra 20 mg to my antidepressant dose today and indefinitely. I have doc's permission to do that. This thing has struck me hard. Maybe becuase it's so close. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm so limited.
Have a bad headache tonight that I know is due to the tension of my body and neck, not being able to relax.
Dear Lord, help me to truly understand that prayer for others is enough from me. You do not mean for me to overextend myself and risk my own health. You guide me toward wanting to but, I must interpret the deep faith I have that you will intercede as I pray. I have to find satisfaction in that even though it is difficult since I'm human and I want, I crave actions. I will do kind acts in small ways in my own little world and pray that you help those small kindnesses to spread all the way to West. I will commit to that. You know my heart. You know my true sadness as to what they feel. I want to comfort. I weep for others I do not know. For their loss. Gather us all in your mighty arms and comfort as you carry us through this time. Amen.
