6/28/2007

Today I feel good.  Really good.  From time to time some part of me aches or burns a bit, but its relatively minor and soon passes.  I have so much energy.  I am sleeping so well.  All night, not having to leave because of snoring.  I feel really happy and hopeful and excited.

6/26/2007

Last night was the first night ever, since I've been free from abuse, that I woke to the sound of snoring, and I did not have the automatic impulse to run, to leave the room.  I actually listened to the snoring and calmly drifted off to sleep.  I think I make have broken through that particular demon.  My back hurts a bit this morning, as do some other areas but, I did sleep on the floor all night. I think I will have  to heal gradually rather than instantly.  I am just trying to be gentle with myself.  Sometimes when something is hurting I make myself think he no longer has any power over me.  It is over.  Maybe if I keep telling myself this I will start to really feel healed deep down.

I am waiting for the counselor to call me back.

Went for a walk this morning .  I'm so grateful for my friendships with both my parents.  I have a lot to be thankful for.

6/25/07

Had my 2nd craniosacral therapy this morning with Joyce.  She was so kind.  She found a place on my left hip/back that was painful and triggered a specific memory of having been hit by Scott.  I cried.  She just let me know I was safe and I kept trying to embrace the pain like she said so I could get to the other side of it.  The therapy was very dramatic emotionally and physically.  She had me hollering out in pain.  Twice, my hands both went numb and at the end my feet too.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Stuck inside my body and my subconscious.  Even though I have mentally, emotionally, and psychologically moved on and healed, all that trauma - that energy of every hit I endured - stayed stuck in me.  I think I adapted to it for many years.  And then, either the fall or my subconscious knowing I was really safe, made the pain come to light.  Now, we can treat it and I can finally break any and all control he has continued to have over me.  I felt embarrassed earlier that we discovered that what has made me sick all along was post traumatic stress but, now as I'm  writing, I'm no longer feeling that way.  I was afraid for my life every day for many years.  There are war veterans who probably suffer similar problems.

I am going back next week to have another appt.

She did today's for half price again.  I think she felt a bit sorry for me.

She gave me the name of a good counselor whom I have already called.

I hope this is ti.  I hope I can work through it and get my life back.  I think I can.

I feel depleted.

6/23/07

Had to nap yesterday.  Was in quite a bit of pain.  Went to bed at 8 pm in pain with a terrible headache.  Did not take Lunesta.  Feel better this morning.  Hurting some but head is much clearer than yesterday.  Get serious deep pains.  Trying to just endure them instead of focusing on them.

Showered today.  I like showering so much.  One of the small things I have missed.

6/22/07

Slept 14 hrs last night.  Felt terrible this morning.  Lunesta made me totally groggy.  I still feel a bit out of it after bathing and being up for 2 hours.  I am able to walk independently but am in significant pain today.  I still believe I'm better than I was because I walk unassisted.  It got bad for me about 2 hours after we went for a walk.  A long, fast-paced walk.  No cane.

We talked about me getting a job and even getting married.   If this really is the fix for me and we know there won't be any huge medical debts attached to me then we thought we'd get married.  And so all his assets would also be mine.  I do want to get a job with some benefits.  I want a 401 k of my own.  My own security, even though he will share his with me.  I hate not having any assets for myself.

I hurt all over today.  5-6/10.  Feel doped up and dizzy.

6/21/2007

I have not been in disabling pain since Monday!  Not completely pain-free but, the pain I do still notice from time to time is certainly not severe.  Only like a 4 out of 10.  And very fleeting.  Even if this therapy just keeps me at this point, it is a livable state. I could work.

I have another appt on Monday at 9 am.  I'm gonna drive myself.

I have been blow drying my hair in the mornings.  It feels so good to be able to physically pay attention to things like that.  I did not ever want to endure the trouble of it while in pain.  Now, it is no trouble.  In fact, its a pleasure because then after, I look cuter.

I have called my aunt  because I looked up some therapists in her area who do this craniosacral.  I read that it can help with the pain of shingles.  I also told both my parents to get it - for Mom's neck pain and Dad's tinnitus.

I hardly know what to do with myself now.   I just feel so good.  I don't really want to sit still and just read.  I really should take this transition slow and easy thought.  Yesterday I got real tired about 12:30 and laid down for 20 min.  Did not sleep - just rested.  It helped.  I could easily over do it.

I hope this keeps up.

6/21/07

Feel pretty good all day but a lot of pain this evening.  Went for a long cane-free walk after work with Tim.  since then, arms, elbows, hands, shoulders hurt 5 out of 10.  Now both feet hurt 5-6 out of 10, and knees are starting to ache.  Need cane.

Tim is trying to help by rubbing on spine where I showed him.

8 pm.m Bad stabbing pain in hips and ears.  Bed early.  Took Lunesta.

6/19/2007

I had a hard time falling asleep last night due to excitement.  After I prayed and thanked God, I just laid there smiling.  After about 2 hours I fell asleep on the floor without having to take a pill.

I slept kind of restlessly.  Bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning.  I can hardly believe I feel so good.

Last night about 8:45 pm a few places began to hurt, but not serious enough to need a cane. I am thrilled beyond words.  I can think about my future, working, Tim, etc.

6/18/2007

Just got home from Joyce and craniosacral therapy.  I feel good right now.  Relatively loose, very relaxed - and not much pain.  Can walk normally without cane.  She had to stop earlier than she wanted because the van came right on time at 3.  She said next time we should allow 1.5 hours.

I am walking freely around the house!!!  I think this has actually helped.  I could feel different weird sensations during the session but nothing real remarkable.  I was so relaxed it felt like I fused with the table.  I was shocked to feel so refreshed when I left.

She said that my skull is kind of sitting crooked and there were problems in my neck as well as problems in my pelvis.  I can go back in 2 weeks (shes moving in a week) for more and I'm very enthusiastic!

Maybe I can really get my life back !!!!  :)

6/6/2007

We are about to leave on a car trip to Indiana.  Wed- Sun.  I hope we have a good time there.  It will be nice just to have a change of scenery for me for a few days.  Evy is staying at the house.  I hope shes not too lonely.  We've never left her alone before.

Jun 4, 2007

Today makes 17 straight consecutive days that I've not had to sit in a wheelchair.  Remarkable.  I am so pleased.  My hands hurt and other parts some too but, I kinda expected it.  I threw out my amitriptyline this morning.  did not sleep well.  Had to leave the room upon snoring noises.

We got up and tackled painting the last bedroom wall this morning.  It looks nice.  I am anxious to get the drapes back up and the room put together.

I am trying hard to keep my head positive and I know its important to live in this moment not dwell on past moments or future ones.  That will take some practice though.

6/1/07

Had a good visit with my PCP.  She seemed kind.  She was willing to give ma all my prescriptions.  She agreed to manage upping my Zoloft to 150 from 100 and said that if I'm not feeling better in 3 months that she would be willing to up it again.  She gave me the Lunesta I needed to sleep.  I also upped the Amitriptyline to 20 mg at night which made me drowsy so it was easier to fall asleep without a Lunesta.

This morning I stained the deck stairs that we rebuilt.  It felt so good to actually do something productive.  I think we're going to start laying pavers this weekend.

Got an email from Kim that she is not doing well.  I am going to pray for her more.  She really was good to me and it is not her fault that I couldn't do a good enough job for her.

I've made an appt to have craniosacral therapy in 2 weeks.  The lady is doing the first one for me at half price so I can see if it is helpful.  She said that any negative trauma - both physical and emotional get stored in the body as energy.  If that energy gets bound up, it can cause huge problems.  So, as I have nothing to lose and I've had more than my share of negative stuff, it could help.  I'm gonna do it after we get back from Indiana.  I think I'll be in extra pain by then.

We're going to Indiana on Wednesday.  I'll probably have to take Lunesta in the car.  I don't think I can face it awake.  Should take 5-6 hours

Tonight is pizza night.  I'm glad its the weekend.