I haven't written for quite a while, for my standards anyway, and I miss it. It is very true for me that as soon as I get the' words out, my soul is lighter.
I found out yesterday from my GYN doc, possibly the best and sweetest on this planet, that the dizziness I suffered/suffer can not be related to hormones. Also, she informed me that she will not let me increase any hormone I'm on nor add any. The risk of stroke skyrockets. She told me to call her next week after I see my NEURO, but that she thinks it sounds like I need to see an ENT doc. So, at least I know now that my episodes are unrelated to the perimenopause, any timing was coincidental.
I can feel myself struggling lately. And further, I know I'm not taking proper care of it, of myself. I know why. It will be and is so unpleasant and messy and sad. So I continue to listen to music and books and fill my mind with other stories of other people. I don't know if its the holiday season making me feel down again or not but, I'm even having those wretched nightmares again. The ones where my beloved family member stalks me trying to murder me. Sometimes succeeds. I tell myself, oh I really love hearing the Christmas music all day. And, Oh, I'm almost at the end of this audiobook and I've just gotta know if...blank blankety blank ... happens. Untrue. All of it. Well, true to the degree that I do love those things but, right now they are my crutches. I am struggling, using them to keep my mind occupied. Even though I understand this to be the case, I am having trouble doing the correct self-care thing and turning everything off and just being with myself. I know it will be good for me. I'm scared of it. It will suck. I'm not done hating what has happened to my life. And, even though sometimes I can do it fine, I don't want to face the jealousy I feel when I look at most healthy folks. So, it has been said that admitting the problem is the first step. Hello. I'm Marie, and I'm not happy. Not actually ingesting any chemical to help me feel happy or numb but, am doing other behaviors to prevent me from facing it head on. There. One step taken. That is all I can do at THIS time.
I have a migraine more often than I don't. I'm sure that is adding to the sadness I feel. I gotta say, living with them, and so often, is just awful. In my imagination, I can turn the migraine into a pill and send it to folks who I deem deserve it like drug dealers, human traffickers, rapists, etc. They should live like that, in pain as punishment for what they do. Not me. Yes. I am the judge in my imagination.
I want to enjoy the season but, it feels especially difficult this year. Probably because of a combo of reasons. I dearly miss my best friend. There are no Christmas things in our home because I haven't used the energy to do it, and I justify this by knowing that we will be gone from home for a week soon and will see plenty when we travel. I am living a sort of half life with these headaches. Oh, and I'm in pain, don't forget the pain. Also, not doing any exercising. Such a big combo. Who orders that kind of combo meal? Crazy folks, that's who.
Well, I am thankful that I have the insight to recognize all of the above. Proof my soul has not gone to the dark side. Cleansing and peace are within reach. I just have to muster the courage to reach. And banish the fear of falling. Thankful that I am protected from the elements, fed, and loved. And that sometimes, the migraine medicine does work a bit.
Have happy, happy days.
