I've been trying really hard to find a psychologist to see me at a reduced rate. One is supposed to be sending me some articles in email to review and see if I can recognize myself in. I'm going to have to pay about $50. an hour for it but, I really think I need help.
If Mayo won't see me - I have no idea what I'll do. Where will I turn next?
I just left Dr. Maxwell's office and she was kind. Did not charge me because she wanted to hold off on doing any lab work until after we hear from Mayo
I feel desperate now. I need some help.
Mailed off my transcription exam this morning. I hope I pass. I'm worried and lonely. And I hurt.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Friday, January 13, 2006
1/13/06
I'm gonna try writing my thoughts in a journal for some self-therapy. I just feel a bit lost. This morning is not as bad as last night was. Mornings never are. But this a.m. its raining, which makes me hurt so much more.
I'm kind of lonely. I don't feel like its normal for someone my age to be so isolated. I mean, about half the days, I literally only speak to one person, Tim. I also talk a lot to Evy but, thankfully- she's not talking back. In 2 days I will have been like this for 10 months. I can't believe it. I'm worried I'll always be like this. Debilitated and in pain. What if I can never have a family with Tim? I'm scared. And I'm so sick of hearing myself talk about the problem. I hate focusing on it. Its almost like I've let it take everything else away. I have no life. I'm working on the medical transcription stuff but, my family and Tim are my entire world. No social network whatsoever. It feels like the problem has isolated me. I wonder if I've let it, if there was more I could to do retain normal life than I did. Oh well - now I can just try to improve the situation. I'm going to the Dr. next week. I swear I'm not going on any more drugs. Tim wants me to try but, I hate it.
I'm going to a counselor next week, too. Maybe it will help. I hope I like her. I also made another appt. made another appt with one at St. Rose church for the next week. With any luck, one of them will be good for me!
Since they cant' find anything wrong with me, I'm starting to worry that I did this to myself. Could guilt from past wrongs be causing me this much physical agony? There are unfortunately many things I feel remorseful about in my life. Things I think about and I know God forgives me for but - maybe I haven't forgiven myself.
I simply can't undo whats done.
How ironic that, for the first time in my adult life which I am truly free of anyone coercing or persuading me to be in their control - I got myself back in college, a place of my own, not looking for anybody, - then I meet Tim, who was made for me- and THIS happens.
I have that all I feel like I have is the past. I'm not really completely living fully in the present and I don't look forward to future things much anymore.
I know God does really know me. I have faith that He has been with me every single moment of my life and He loves me anyway. HE knows I'm weak and human and I'm so, so sorry. I'll always have that present companion.
I hate that I have to be on an antidepressant, too. It makes me feel weak. Like I can't handle things. I want to be able to handle things without drugs.
But really, I think I'm not a bad person. I'm lovable. I just made some regretful decisions that may be following me. I don't know.
I'm gonna keep going to church. I don't believe every single thing about the religion but, I do want to be part of worship. And its pitiful that I want the others in church to see me and pray for me.
I can't believe how much this little cat does to keep me sane. She is my little friend.
I believe animals do have souls. I don't thin God would put such joy-bringing creatures here for us only to then let them die away forever. They do have spirits and I believe that whoever is inside Evy knows I needed her company here desperately.
Maybe this writing will prove to be helpful.
I'm gonna work on my medical transcription exam now. I'm worried about not doing well on it. That would be a disaster for me to fail the test. All my eggs are in that basket. I cannot fail - its all I can do to learn. I need to work. I need something to do every day. I'm bored and kinda sad and lonely.
I'm kind of lonely. I don't feel like its normal for someone my age to be so isolated. I mean, about half the days, I literally only speak to one person, Tim. I also talk a lot to Evy but, thankfully- she's not talking back. In 2 days I will have been like this for 10 months. I can't believe it. I'm worried I'll always be like this. Debilitated and in pain. What if I can never have a family with Tim? I'm scared. And I'm so sick of hearing myself talk about the problem. I hate focusing on it. Its almost like I've let it take everything else away. I have no life. I'm working on the medical transcription stuff but, my family and Tim are my entire world. No social network whatsoever. It feels like the problem has isolated me. I wonder if I've let it, if there was more I could to do retain normal life than I did. Oh well - now I can just try to improve the situation. I'm going to the Dr. next week. I swear I'm not going on any more drugs. Tim wants me to try but, I hate it.
I'm going to a counselor next week, too. Maybe it will help. I hope I like her. I also made another appt. made another appt with one at St. Rose church for the next week. With any luck, one of them will be good for me!
Since they cant' find anything wrong with me, I'm starting to worry that I did this to myself. Could guilt from past wrongs be causing me this much physical agony? There are unfortunately many things I feel remorseful about in my life. Things I think about and I know God forgives me for but - maybe I haven't forgiven myself.
I simply can't undo whats done.
How ironic that, for the first time in my adult life which I am truly free of anyone coercing or persuading me to be in their control - I got myself back in college, a place of my own, not looking for anybody, - then I meet Tim, who was made for me- and THIS happens.
I have that all I feel like I have is the past. I'm not really completely living fully in the present and I don't look forward to future things much anymore.
I know God does really know me. I have faith that He has been with me every single moment of my life and He loves me anyway. HE knows I'm weak and human and I'm so, so sorry. I'll always have that present companion.
I hate that I have to be on an antidepressant, too. It makes me feel weak. Like I can't handle things. I want to be able to handle things without drugs.
But really, I think I'm not a bad person. I'm lovable. I just made some regretful decisions that may be following me. I don't know.
I'm gonna keep going to church. I don't believe every single thing about the religion but, I do want to be part of worship. And its pitiful that I want the others in church to see me and pray for me.
I can't believe how much this little cat does to keep me sane. She is my little friend.
I believe animals do have souls. I don't thin God would put such joy-bringing creatures here for us only to then let them die away forever. They do have spirits and I believe that whoever is inside Evy knows I needed her company here desperately.
Maybe this writing will prove to be helpful.
I'm gonna work on my medical transcription exam now. I'm worried about not doing well on it. That would be a disaster for me to fail the test. All my eggs are in that basket. I cannot fail - its all I can do to learn. I need to work. I need something to do every day. I'm bored and kinda sad and lonely.
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