I had a magical doctor visit this week. I saw a cardiac electrophysiologist. Not going to go into the facts yet, since there really aren't any firm ones until after all the testing during the first week of January. However, I did leave that office with 3 monitors hooked up to me. At one point during the examination he said to me "Why has no one seen this in you before? Why has no doctor recognized this?" Understand me fully when I say that I wanted to weep with the joy of hearing those words. That sentence relieved my depression and soothed my soul. I finally found the doctor who knows whats wrong and gives a damn. He spent time explaining. He asked me what questions I had. He informed me the testing plan and sent me home with monitors. He gave me his tentative opinion of who he thinks he will also be referring me to for other specific things. He is fully invested in and planning to care for me. And my mood is joyful. I'm in a lot of pain, and not sleeping great but, I'm joyful. I decorated our Christmas tree early yesterday. Of the last eleven Christmases, I've only decorated the tree for maybe half of them. Partially because it is so much work. Partially because there needs to be a certain joyful feeling to motivate me to do so. I am overfull with that now.
I had a feeling when I opened that Christmas ornament on Thursday evening of the Snowman Doctor with the cardinal that the whole army of my angel loved ones would be pulling for me during that appointment. And they were. I am validated. Something is very much wrong. And that thing might not be able to be fixed. But, I'm not scared. I'm thrilled. I've found someone who understands my problem and cares. Even if my quality of life can only be lifted marginally, I'm thrilled. I get to understand WHY I function and feel this way. Maybe not for months yet, maybe not until I visit some other specialists, but, this is legitimately the beginning of the real deal. I'm not just "more disabled by my fibromyalgia than all other fibro folks I know", I actually have deep root causes and more than a few things are very wrong. And I'm not worried. Not scared. I am actually excited because even really bad news is so much better than living sort of like "how come I can't walk but everyone else at the support group can?" I am going to finally get the PROPER diagnosis. I am going to finally see the PROPER doctors for the actual things that are wrong with me, instead of just seeing doctors to give me medicines to relieve symptoms. I will still do that too, because from what I understand, much of what I face isn't curable, but maybe more manageable than I'm handling it now. There's no question that I've got fibromyalgia, but it's secondary. As are the migraines. As is the depression. I'm on the path to finally naming and caring for the PRIMARY problems.
I'm grateful today like never before. I really, truly am. That Snowman Doctor with the cardinal, I'm super grateful for that because it was the communication vessel that I'd be cared for. And I am.
