4/30/07

My new niece will be born tomorrow.  Calin Marie Coates by cesarean.  I'm anxious to hear that everyone gets through it with health.

I had a horrible day yesterday.  I sat outside on the deck and read for a bit while  Tim fixed the pool water and mowed the lawn.  I was in such pain.  Finally, I took a bath and used the jets.  It relieved the pain while I was in the tub and for exactly 15 minutes after I got out.  Then it all came back.

We were watching Harry Potter and I got a little weepy.  I find that I actually cry very little.  But I yearn to cry often, I just can't or don't for some reason.  The frustration and helplessness and pure sadness of my situation just builds to be too much.  sometimes I feel like I absolutely don't know how I'm coping.  I'm sure its just because I live only one day at a time.

4/28/07

Yesterday  was pretty  good , I guess.  In the evening, I was not in great pain before bed like usual.  I wonder if the Amytriptaline might be helping or if I'm just on an upswing.

I got up this a.m. and went into Tim's bed to snuggle with him.  I miss waking up with him so much. I just can't tolerate even the slightest noise.

We ran our errands in an hour this morning.  I'd like to see a movie today.

I'm making salmon and risotto tonight.  Both new recipes.  I'm excited  I really do like cooking.

It's a beautiful day, 64 degrees.

Have replaced sleeping pills with Sleepytime Extra tea with Valerian root in it.  Yay!

4/26/07

Life is a bit boring and empty feeling for me.  Since I don't work anymore, I sometimes struggle wit finding something to do to occupy myself.  I can't really commit to working - not that there have been any offers- because I just really have no idea when I'll be able to perform or for how long.  It does feel like some element of stress has been removed that I don't have the work to worry about.  I cook and clean and try to make sure I do enough not to feel like I'm a freeloader.

My mood feels more stable recently.  Not terribly up or down - just regular.

What really disturbs me lately is that when pain gets very bad, I feel like my brain shuts down and I can't think.  I have a hard time communicating and remembering things.  It makes me feel so helpless.  I actually become helpless because between the physical and mental - I have no course by which to defend myself if I needed to.  It so scares me because there have been so many times in my life when I needed to call upon both/either my physical or mental strength to get me by.

My health seems to be about the same.  Some good days followed by some not good ones.  I underwent neuropsychological evaluation last week and will get the results in a week or so.  Tested my cognitive ability.  Dr. K says sometimes they can tell where pain is coming from by those tests.  Don't know if I'm supposed to follow up with her too or not.  She did want me to try Amytriptaline again so I've been on it for 5 days.  No significant side effects.  No benefits yet either.  Need to give it a month or two.  Tried it last year, I think.  Its impossible to remember if it helped or not and there are no notes I can find.

My favorite daytime show is the Gilmore Girls.  Wonder what that says about me!

Walked for 45 min this a.m. and burned 120 calories.