1/27/2007

Today is Saturday.   This week, I switched back from Cymbalta to Zoloft.  I'm on a half dose for 2 weeks, then up to my regular dose.  I started feeling some side-effects when I changed the med - lots of dizziness and head-spinning, also nausea and confusion.  And, in addition, the pain has gotten extremely bad again, like it was several weeks ago.  coincidentally, I am due for my cycle in several days from now.

I have the Dr. visit on Wednesday.  I hope something good comes from it.

I'm starting to get excited about Mom & Dad coming.

My dreams have been excessively vivid.  Very good and very nightmarish violent in the same dream.  Several nights in a row.  Its a bit disturbing.

Its so nice to have Tim home.

1/23/2007

No working for me today.  Pain is very bad.  Not depressed thought.  Managing to just be relaxed about it.  Reading & watching TV.  It got bad last night in the evening.  I almost fell and Tim caught me.  I would have if he had not happen to have been standing there.  Lost my balance completely.  I keep reminding myself that I might not have a choice about living with this but, I don't have to suffer from it.  I can choose not to.  So far today, a decent day.  Painful but decent.

1/22/2007

I feel good today.  Not much pain.  Slept in.  Got more lines done than I have in a month.  I haven't been taking as many sleeping pills recently and I think I got to sleep  in my bed every night last week.  We've been running the small humidifier in there.  Maybe it is helping.  I don't think its the drug Cymbalta though, even this is week 6.  I just think this is a low- pain period.  I'm planning to switch back to Zoloft this week, I think.
   I made cookies yesterday for Tim and didn't eat any.  I need to lose about 8 pounds and I really want to.  More than I want cookies.  I was proud of my control.  I made salmon last night for the first time.  Cold Mountain is on TV right now.  So far, a little sad.  I'm getting excited about mom and dad coming.  My new Dr. appt is next week.  I'm not going to ask Tim to buy a treadmill after all.  It seems like a better solution for me just to pace the house.  Then I can stop instantly when pain hits without a belt pushing me along.

1/19/2007

Today I worked right after Tim left, like I used to but, I only did 2 jobs and stopped.  I was getting bad pains and just couldn't concentrate.  Then I tried to go back to bed but couldn't .  I've been bored all day, watching TV.  Now I have a splitting headache.  I'm kinda lonely today.  Haven't talked to anyone.  Did a lot of walking.  I really want to get my shape back and a few pounds off.  Its so hard now.  I wish I never went on that steroid.

Evy is asleep upstairs.  I'm glad its Friday.  At least Tim will be with me for 2 days and I won't be alone.

1/18/2007

Yesterday was pretty good for me.  I worked.  I cleaned some house.  I got to wake up in my bed instead of on the floor or in the guest bed and I slept in since it was Wednesday.  I made a list of everything I wanted to do and I did almost all of it.  Didn't quite get the bathrooms all clean but half done.  Today, I hurt a little more so, I am not working.  Read a little.  Slept in my bed all night again which is nice.  K emailed that shed doesn't think she needs to edit my work anymore and wants to send it to approved unless I specifically send it to be edited.  That's good news, I guess.  Today I spent about $100.00 online on a fluffy mattress pad for the guest bed - both for my comfort and for when m y folks come.  It comes with 2 free pillows, which we need.  I also ordered one of these blow-up exercise balls to work out on with a pump.  I probably shouldn't spend $100 since I really can't earn it right now but, Mom said she would help me next month, and I really don't think Tim would mind.  I don't do this kind of thing often.  And the shipping cost is better than having me drive around and better than him doing it on the weekend.

It looks like we might have new neighbors behind us.  There's a moving truck back there today.  And a motorcycle.

Sometimes I feel like such a loser of a person, in general.  I mean, I'm 38 and I've never signed a mortgage, finished college, bought a car - of my own doing- had a child or a wedding - so many things.  It takes a pretty conscious effort to turn my eyes toward the positive things I have done and what I do have.  For some reason, its so much easier to see the negative.  I don't know why.  I wish it wasn't that way.  But some days it seems to be.  The moral of the story is not to compare myself with others - there are always greater and lesser persons than myself.

1/16/07

My mood is a bit better today.  I was finally able to go to the bathroom after many laxatives!!!  I think all that toxic s**t makes me depressed on the insides.  I had a terrible night.  I emailed Dr. Q and asked for her advice.  But in the light of the morning and after the bathroom, I do have a better mood.  Literally lighter and brighter.  I think I should stop taking Cymbalta just for that reason.  I even worked to day with some more waiting for me now.  I am anxious for spring.  I used to have a grip on this problem and I hate that I lost it.  Hopefully, I will get it back soon.

1/15/07

Here's another attempt at journal writing after a long delay.   I've had a recent set back that's been hard for me.  I was at a "baseline" place where I was adapted and I was handling things and then, I lost it.  During my last period, I think I may have miscarried, and I'm not sure if that's why the pain was so bad for that whole week or not, or if that even happened but, since then, I can't seem to get myself back to "normal".  The pain has gone back to its regular deal, I think, but I can't get readjusted to it mentally.  I can barely work and prepare our meals.  Last week I only worked one day for 2 hours.

I'm gonna make an effort to write each day to see if that helps me.

I'll be on my Cymbalta for another week and a half to see if it really is going to help with pain.  But, I'm having such trouble going to the bathroom.  I really want to go back to Zoloft.  And I'm really struggling against feeling sad and sorry for myself.  I think Zoloft worked better for me.

Mom & Dad are coming to visit in a month.  I'm excited about that.

K (my medical transcription boss) said that I will always have a job with her.  She is willing to work with me and wait for things to resolve.

I have a new Dr appt on Jan 31 with a neurological diagnostician called Dr. Kamenski.  I hope he thinks for something the others did not.

That's all for now.

Evy is on my lap.