I don't fully recall what the elements in my dream were. What I remember was waking up from it startled and yelling. Whenever I have a dream that wakes me like that, I try to stay awake for just a few minutes at least, so I don't return to it. Maybe some details will come back to me as the day unfolds and if so, I'll add them. Here is what I learned during my few minutes reflecting on my dream. Without these chronic illnesses, my life would not be so enriched. Without them, I would be less compassionate and less empathetic. I did have both qualities before they struck, but now the measure is far higher. I would be very busy. Without being so busy by stuff in the world, I have time and opportunity to reflect on things, on myself. I recognize when help is needed and I do so if I can. I would not have friends who are also suffering, but also very compassionate, supportive, non-judging, empathetic folks too. They'd be different. I'd not have met the people who I now count as important to me. I'd have a different sort of marriage, and I'd be a different sort of daughter/sister. I might have become a mother, but there's a chance I'm a better Aunt now than I may have been able to be if I had my own kids. My perspective is so wide open. I share these thoughts because it lets me genuinely see some issues as positives, where before I have only been able to see them as negatives or at best, as facts.
I am grateful today to have the house to myself and also to not have to go anywhere. I have a silly movie on about a man trapped in a cat's body. I am trying to enjoy the day. The weather isn't good enough for me to spend time outside. So, I am going to bake some crackers, maybe banana bread. I am going to let myself have up days and down days. I am going to let myself do things that make my life more comfortable and easy without feeling guilt. Like bringing myself home early, rather than waiting for a bus for hours.
This may seem like an odd a vague post. But, it is part of my truth. Part of my story. Part of reality, my reality.
Grateful today for, believe it or not, these chronic illnesses and for who I am with them.
Have happy days. Grateful days. Loving days.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Letter from Me
My Dearest, Sweet Marie,
I am so proud of you. You did it! Among all your illnesses, the worst one raised her head up yesterday and she really got to you. But, you, darling, you remembered that she's a LIAR. I was with you in the Arboretum, glorious as it was in all the blooms, on the edge of the lake. I saw everything beautiful that you saw. I felt the love there among all the families, children, old folks. And I could not let you enjoy it. I am your Sparkle. I am the purest part of you. When the LIAR starts spewing her nonsense, sometimes, if you can't chase her off right away, I know it feels like I have left forever. That's why I'm so proud. You remembered that I can never leave forever. I am who you are. I just have to retreat a bit when she throws a dark, wet, cold blanket over me. I am quieted to the point where you can't hear me. But you, my love, you could feel me and my presence, and that is why you are here today, and unhurt. I admit, I did retreat. She is terrifying, yelling all those horrible lies at you. Telling you things that are simply and clearly not true. And you get weakened because, there are threads of truth to her statements. But only threads. She wants you to buy in to her whole cloth, and it is easy to do in the face of her screaming. That's her manipulation of your weakened state. She waits until something is especially painful, and she sticks her head up and starts in on you with all the hateful talk. Things you'd never say, even to a stranger, she screams at you. I know you didn't smile one genuine smile yesterday. I felt you cry at the Botanical Garden, and later in the bedroom. I know the losses. You saw all the babies, and healthy mommies that you never got to be or have. You saw all the carefree children and wished for your own innocence again. You were simply overwhelmed by her because for a time, the physical pain abated and you were forced to face the emotional difficulties of grief. You were able to walk some, pushing the wheelchair. It was a lovely day. The garden was beautiful, and yet, you could enjoy nothing. You could feel no gratitude. I think you could not even feel Christ with you. One time, you remembered your angel Monica, because a cardinal flitted off a branch in front of you, but she was screaming so much by then as to how worthless your life has been, that you forgot to let Moni help. Another time, you got to see a true life marriage proposal in front of you, that only the two of them and you witnessed, and you could not even smile. That's a magical gift that probably few have ever seen. A man get down on one knee and present a ring to a woman. Her hand flying to her mouth as she begins to cry. Her emphatic nod, and then the kiss and embrace between the two. And then a friend with a camera, who had been hiding in the bushes to get a picture of it, ran out to hug her as she shook and exclaimed, "Oh my God, oh my God!" And you sweetheart, you could not even feel happy for them. You saw the gift. You knew it was a gift but, you could not accept it. But, you do remember it. And today, you can smile a bit for receiving it. I know the screaming isn't over with the LIAR yet. I can still hear her, and I can feel the bruising she did to your spirit, and to me, your Sparkle. But, the feeling she brought forth in you has changed. You are not in danger of doing anything nonsensical to shut her up. You are able to feel some of your feelings again, and not just the dark ones. No, you're not laughing yet, but you are smiling small smiles. That is HUGE! You won! She didn't get you! I'm so proud you remembered that she is not to be trusted or believed. That she is a liar. A disease. She wants nothing more than to express herself, but you are tempted to do awful things to silence her verbal onslaught. Be grateful for this day, that you did not let her convince you to walk into the street. Be grateful that you were able to just know that you were being told lies, and the only way through was to just go through them. Be glad that you found a way to escape into TV so as to wait out the day, wait for a new day, hoping and knowing that she'd lose steam if you didn't buy in. And she has. And I know how much you hate that one of your teeth broke due to your disease yesterday, but I also know how grateful you are for the physical pain of that and the subsequent migraine, just to feel something, and not be an empty void, awaiting her screaming black lies. I know what a relief it was for you to feel the pain of those episodes, just so you could remember that you could feel something. And that you kicked in to self-care mode, taking care of yourself, and doing what needed doing to attend to your physical problems. And frankly, it may be a blessing that your tooth broke on a Friday. You will have to contend with a lot of physical pain over the weekend, and into next week, until you can be seen by the dentist. And that physical pain, that same discomfort is what rescued you yesterday from her lies. So, you can feel comfortable today, knowing that in the face of very necessary self-care, she cannot spew forth her vomit on you. She is silenced by your self-love. Your self-care. And this is all down to you. You did it! No one else! You survived her attack! That is no small thing, as many do not. She is very persistent and convincing. She is a manipulative bitch. She twists truths until they are unrecognizable. But, you saw. You remembered her temporary nature. You knew she needed belief in order to continue, and you didn't give her enough.
Today is a new day. I can feel that even though the dark blanket is still over me, it isn't cold or wet anymore. I can feel the dull ache of your tooth, and the migraine you woke up with. And I know, that although it is a gorgeous spring day, and you want to go out and walk the dogs, you will have to stay in the dark, and get through much, much pain, you will make it. For you recognize her for the Liar she is. And you stood up to the Bully. And that, sweet Marie, has made all the difference. You were rescued from her by your other illnesses. And you are given a reason to be actually grateful for them, because you didn't need to hurt yourself in order to escape her. You just needed to wait, and you knew that. You didn't believe. You remembered me, your Sparkle. And you know where to find me the next time.
I am so, so proud of you.
Love,
The Deepest, Purest part of YOU
I am so proud of you. You did it! Among all your illnesses, the worst one raised her head up yesterday and she really got to you. But, you, darling, you remembered that she's a LIAR. I was with you in the Arboretum, glorious as it was in all the blooms, on the edge of the lake. I saw everything beautiful that you saw. I felt the love there among all the families, children, old folks. And I could not let you enjoy it. I am your Sparkle. I am the purest part of you. When the LIAR starts spewing her nonsense, sometimes, if you can't chase her off right away, I know it feels like I have left forever. That's why I'm so proud. You remembered that I can never leave forever. I am who you are. I just have to retreat a bit when she throws a dark, wet, cold blanket over me. I am quieted to the point where you can't hear me. But you, my love, you could feel me and my presence, and that is why you are here today, and unhurt. I admit, I did retreat. She is terrifying, yelling all those horrible lies at you. Telling you things that are simply and clearly not true. And you get weakened because, there are threads of truth to her statements. But only threads. She wants you to buy in to her whole cloth, and it is easy to do in the face of her screaming. That's her manipulation of your weakened state. She waits until something is especially painful, and she sticks her head up and starts in on you with all the hateful talk. Things you'd never say, even to a stranger, she screams at you. I know you didn't smile one genuine smile yesterday. I felt you cry at the Botanical Garden, and later in the bedroom. I know the losses. You saw all the babies, and healthy mommies that you never got to be or have. You saw all the carefree children and wished for your own innocence again. You were simply overwhelmed by her because for a time, the physical pain abated and you were forced to face the emotional difficulties of grief. You were able to walk some, pushing the wheelchair. It was a lovely day. The garden was beautiful, and yet, you could enjoy nothing. You could feel no gratitude. I think you could not even feel Christ with you. One time, you remembered your angel Monica, because a cardinal flitted off a branch in front of you, but she was screaming so much by then as to how worthless your life has been, that you forgot to let Moni help. Another time, you got to see a true life marriage proposal in front of you, that only the two of them and you witnessed, and you could not even smile. That's a magical gift that probably few have ever seen. A man get down on one knee and present a ring to a woman. Her hand flying to her mouth as she begins to cry. Her emphatic nod, and then the kiss and embrace between the two. And then a friend with a camera, who had been hiding in the bushes to get a picture of it, ran out to hug her as she shook and exclaimed, "Oh my God, oh my God!" And you sweetheart, you could not even feel happy for them. You saw the gift. You knew it was a gift but, you could not accept it. But, you do remember it. And today, you can smile a bit for receiving it. I know the screaming isn't over with the LIAR yet. I can still hear her, and I can feel the bruising she did to your spirit, and to me, your Sparkle. But, the feeling she brought forth in you has changed. You are not in danger of doing anything nonsensical to shut her up. You are able to feel some of your feelings again, and not just the dark ones. No, you're not laughing yet, but you are smiling small smiles. That is HUGE! You won! She didn't get you! I'm so proud you remembered that she is not to be trusted or believed. That she is a liar. A disease. She wants nothing more than to express herself, but you are tempted to do awful things to silence her verbal onslaught. Be grateful for this day, that you did not let her convince you to walk into the street. Be grateful that you were able to just know that you were being told lies, and the only way through was to just go through them. Be glad that you found a way to escape into TV so as to wait out the day, wait for a new day, hoping and knowing that she'd lose steam if you didn't buy in. And she has. And I know how much you hate that one of your teeth broke due to your disease yesterday, but I also know how grateful you are for the physical pain of that and the subsequent migraine, just to feel something, and not be an empty void, awaiting her screaming black lies. I know what a relief it was for you to feel the pain of those episodes, just so you could remember that you could feel something. And that you kicked in to self-care mode, taking care of yourself, and doing what needed doing to attend to your physical problems. And frankly, it may be a blessing that your tooth broke on a Friday. You will have to contend with a lot of physical pain over the weekend, and into next week, until you can be seen by the dentist. And that physical pain, that same discomfort is what rescued you yesterday from her lies. So, you can feel comfortable today, knowing that in the face of very necessary self-care, she cannot spew forth her vomit on you. She is silenced by your self-love. Your self-care. And this is all down to you. You did it! No one else! You survived her attack! That is no small thing, as many do not. She is very persistent and convincing. She is a manipulative bitch. She twists truths until they are unrecognizable. But, you saw. You remembered her temporary nature. You knew she needed belief in order to continue, and you didn't give her enough.
Today is a new day. I can feel that even though the dark blanket is still over me, it isn't cold or wet anymore. I can feel the dull ache of your tooth, and the migraine you woke up with. And I know, that although it is a gorgeous spring day, and you want to go out and walk the dogs, you will have to stay in the dark, and get through much, much pain, you will make it. For you recognize her for the Liar she is. And you stood up to the Bully. And that, sweet Marie, has made all the difference. You were rescued from her by your other illnesses. And you are given a reason to be actually grateful for them, because you didn't need to hurt yourself in order to escape her. You just needed to wait, and you knew that. You didn't believe. You remembered me, your Sparkle. And you know where to find me the next time.
I am so, so proud of you.
Love,
The Deepest, Purest part of YOU
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Salt, salt, salt, salt
Maybe I should change the name of my blog to Salt, Faith, Family, Friends, etc. lol Honestly, if anyone would've ever told me how much difference the correct amount of salt inside me would make, I'd never have believed it. But, yesterday, my doc appointment proved it. My POTS symptoms are all but gone. Yes, I still have other stuff from other syndromes that make my life very challenged, but we have successfully treated those issues which were treatable where POTS is concerned. There has been one medicine involved. I have another metabolic stress test scheduled for late June. Depending on its results, I may even come off of it!! I may be able to just manage these symptoms with my high protein, very high salt, and daily light exercise regimen. Can't tell y'all how nice it is to stand up and not black out. lol. Yay for blood flow!!! Huge kudos to my nutritionist, Dr. Ron Overburg. He has been just an email away for months with me, and has helped every time I have reached out. A blessing. Yesterday, my BP was 130/80. In January, the average was about 72/58. No wonder I feel so much better, and I can now think clearly a lot more often.
The moral of the story: Don't give up. Answers are out there for some of the questions. And some of those answers are simple, without any side effects. Use your energy as wisely as you can but, don't quit trying to improve your life.
Gratitude for my access to health care. For our ability to afford it, and my courage to face the facts.
Have happy, happy, days!
M
The moral of the story: Don't give up. Answers are out there for some of the questions. And some of those answers are simple, without any side effects. Use your energy as wisely as you can but, don't quit trying to improve your life.
Gratitude for my access to health care. For our ability to afford it, and my courage to face the facts.
Have happy, happy, days!
M
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