Life Can Be More Than Descendants

I have had this on my mind for a little bit now.    It is because I am so well, physically, mentally, socially, etc that I want to address this now.  Mostly, I hope that by writing it, I can make more sense of it and get it off my chest, where it now lies.

My own life is not lessened by the fact that I never had children.  My funeral will be less crowded, surely, but that does not mean I am less loved or that the impact I had was less meaningful or important.  I don't get to have anybody I raised return to me during the year, at holidays, or call me on my birthday, celebrating me.  I don't have grand-mothering to look forward to.   And I am ok with it because I have to be.  It is what is.  So, I accept it. 

The only social media I'm on anymore is FaceBook, and I've left most of the support groups I used to spend time and energy within.  So, my information is coming from other healthy folks, folks who don't live with illness every day.  And, what I interpret is that being a parent generally validates a life, and without that experience, many have no idea how they would carry on.  This is so insulting to me.

It is lovely that any one of our lives reach so far and wide that churches fill for funerals, but, that doesn't mean her life is better in the eyes of Our Lord than mine is.  I will fill a few rows, maybe.  That's just how my life has unfolded.  My journey.  Circumstances prevented me from touching the lives of others as I might have for over half of my life.    And now, at age 50, I just want to say, I count.  Even though I'm not a mother.  My life counts.  Even though my progeny will not fill any pews in any churches at the time of my death.

Maybe "the most important thing you ever did" shouldn't be raising a child.  Maybe it should be focusing on one's own emotional and mental health enough so a maladapted and emotionally stunted child doesn't get raised.

I'm blessed this year in ways I couldn't have dared to hope for.  I feel well.  I've discovered adaptations and management techniques that have kept me feeling this way for most of the last year, which is a record since 2005.  Holidays can be a difficult time when everyone who we're related to and love isn't present to celebrate with us.   I think we all feel the sting of love turned to grief especially at this time of year.    But, if you know folks like me in your world, maybe speak a bit less about how your life would be meaningless without your child.    Because my life is without one.  And I am equally meaningful in the only eyes that matter.  His eyes. 

May you all be blessed,
Marie

And she ran....

Well not really running, running.  Not like trying to save myself from a bear.  Just three mini-steps above speed walking, but, still firmly in the jogging category.   

It happened this morning, completely spontaneously.  I didn't work towards it.  It wasn't a goal.  I just listened to my body speak, and it said "let's run, let's play".  So I did.  I had both dogs and I broke into my run so often and for so long that my little dog got worn out.  She's got short Corgi legs.    And it was thrilling.     Ab.So.Lutely. Thrilling.

Three years ago in November,  I'd frequently walk my dogs from my wheelchair, clipping their leashes to the chair.  We'd pretend they were sled dogs, lol.  I'd sing Jingle Bells at the top of my lungs and make up dog-related lyrics.  Two years ago in November, I couldn't even leave my bedroom because of the multi-month migraine that struck.   Last year, I walked a half-marathon.  This year, I ran.  And, it's not over.  There's still 11 days left for all the fabulousness. 

It's been a lovely fall.  I am back to volunteering weekly at Children's Health as a pal for any patient who is alone.  Last Thursday was all babies.   I have begun volunteering on behalf of animals now, as well.  Twice a week I dedicate time to their cause.  Monday nights, I help the Trap-Neuter-Release program in my town by going out to feral colonies and setting traps and helping take the kitties in to be sterilized the next morning.  On Friday mornings, I assist the photographer at the shelter, interacting with dogs who need to be photographed.  I usually stay at the shelter for another hour or more after pictures are done, walking dogs, and socializing with cats.  Some Saturdays I go back and spend another hour of so with them.   I'm enjoying it and feeling that I really am helping those creatures on the days I'm there. 

I was inducted into an order at my church last week.  To be included after so long involuntarily excluded, there are few words to express the depth of that value.   To be known, after being so isolated and unknown, a gift. 

I'm taking greater care of my emotional health.  Really making firm boundaries about what I allow in my world.  This only causes me to be healthier and feel better.  There is no negative to emotional self-care.  Some would argue this point.  Boundaries can be built for many reasons, but generally not amidst poor physical and/or mental health.  Now that I'm not suffering and struggling daily, I can, and have chosen to take care of myself.  Of my heart.

It is a joy to be able to report such a life here.  I have long ended my posts with gratitude.  The thing I'm most thankful for today is my faith.  Faith in the Lord, the He will see me through.  That some way, some how, He will provide.  And faith that He hears my prayers for each of the many very helpless and vulnerable lives I visit every week, human and animal.  And faith that prayers for me are heard.  And faith to be free from worry and fret.  To be free to know that I will do what I can, and the rest, I will pray about.  And that is enough. 

Have Happy Days!

One Random Night and my Faith

Have been feeling well and high-functioning for months. Many months. Have taken on additional volunteer duties, and enjoying my quality of life.

Here's how severely pure adrenaline from my own system can affect me. Drove myself to a meeting at church yesterday in the evening. (It's only a 17 minute drive on Sunday morning, when Tim drives us. But I drove myself yesterday, which means that I avoid the interstate, and it took all of 45 minutes, in drizzly, dark fog.) My hands, wrists, arms ached from holding onto the wheel. That drive was very stressful. Then I sat in the church which is cavernous, as churches tend to be, and all the voices chatting just roared as if they were, I don't even know what. I had to put my fingers in my ears until the meeting began. I sat in so much pain, thinking all the while, "I can't believe I've gotten myself into this situation AGAIN. I'm in too much pain to drive myself home. I'm nearly in too much pain to walk to my car. All the years of coping, adapting, learning, etc, and here I am AGAIN, a victim of this. I should have just stayed home where I'm safe." BUT IT WASN'T TRUE. It was temporary weakness, my doubt in myself, bullying me into believing that I would not be safe. And safety is about faith. I prayed while I sat there, listening to the questions and answers about where to walk during service, and when. I asked for His provision. I asked to be granted safety getting home. I breathed deeply. I rubbed my sore body to encourage as much circulation as I could. Thankfully, a migraine hadn't been triggered. I got up and was first out the door when we were released. You'd think that meant I got to my car quickly. But it didn't. A gentleman even came and gave me his arm, quite kindly, helping me finish getting myself to my car, as it was clear I was struggling to walk. I knew that I had to sit for a while. I had to have patience, let the stillness and quiet of my car try to calm all the adrenaline loose in my bloodstream. In a good deal of pain, both hands really struggled to grip the wheel. Then I remembered that I have safely navigated these shores before. I have been "at the mercy of my body" many times, and never has He forsaken my safety. He gives me enough mental clarity to care for myself or ask for help, and I have not suffered more from having this happen outside home. Its just terrifying. And then, the terrifying adds to the mix of chemicals in the blood. Adding to the pain response.

Another stressful drive home, and couldn't string any words together to Tim upon arrival. I felt defeated but, clearly reality showed that I was not. I was home. Safe. Nothing amiss. But there was still pain to deal with and all that goes with it. Took my nighttime meds and did my nighttime therapy, and went to bed, my mind not in a good place. Had nightmares about not being able to live independently, not having resources I need, not being heard, not being valued, being in danger..... etc. And I realized this upon rising, all those issues I nightmared about, equal a lack of something. But, if I have real and true faith, not just surface faith, but the deep stuff, I cannot fear those "lacks of", not really. I will know, as a result of my faith, that some provision will be made for me. Something I have not thought of will be put in my path to guide me through. I sat at the meeting in fear, talking myself down from a great deal of anxiety response to pain. But, here I am the next morning with nothing at all amiss. I think physiologically reacting to pain response is inherent. And I know that my body dumps adrenaline into my blood at remarkable levels, which I cannot filter and process. That being said, it is quite easy to convince myself that if I would have stayed home, it would have been prevented. And it likely would have. But I would have been excluded. The only way to become known is to show up. And not to worry about the state of my being upon my arrival. I won't have an isolated life again. I've had that and I take responsibility that inclusion is up to me. And coping with my body and its many responses to environment is up to me. But they don't have to be separate. It is difficult, often, but it is worth it, being included. It's not my fault I have to deal with this. It is my responsibility to deal with it, thought. That makes me empowered, not a victim of it.

May you be blessed,

Marie