7/5/2007

I had such a good craniosaccral appt today.  I felt pretty good when I got there this am.  Didn't even take my cane into her house.  During the treatment this time I had a physiological response, not an emotional one.  I got nauseated and sweated profusely.  When she did the last bit - the energy thing - it felt like someone gave me a fresh breath of air.  I felt completely clean and energized.  I left there feeling wonderful.  Just a few minor pains since noon.  Its 9 pm now.  We went for a med/long walk at 8 pm and my only complaint were that I could feel my knees and hips weren't used to so much exercise.  I need to work them back up.  Otherwise, I'm pretty pain-free.  I feel delighted.  I'm just walking around here singing and dancing.  Its so silly and fun.

I went up and got my guitar out for the first time in over a year.  It felt so good to play.  I am so grateful we have found the answer.  I feel like my body has been held captive and tortured and now I have been liberated.  Its incredible how great I feel.

Dad is having a session tomorrow.  I hope it goes well.

I have so much energy now that I hardly know how to act.  Cooking dinner was so much fun.

I called UF today to start the process of trying to finish those classes.

I can't believe how good I feel!!!

7/3/2007

Today I saw Janice Barkley, a counselor in M'boro who Joyce referred me to.  She said that however I feel comfortable expressing my feelings will work.  Painting,clays, drawing, writing, speaking, just whatever.  So I am going to make an appt with myself every day to address these feelings.  She explained how I live only in the present moment.  Not in past moments, nor future moments.  What is my body saying to me now?  She said it is deconstructive to beat myself up over the past and those decisions.  Just live now and let the past be.  Say aloud "I retake control of my life".  She said feelings that are bottled up often need to be brought back to the surface and re felt before resolving.  She said that my history can be a "well-used tragedy" if I learn from it.  Be gentle with myself.  Be evaluative and not judgemental.  Not derogatory.  I did the best I could at that time.  Now, I would make different decisions.  But then, I did the best I could and what was right for me.  I am taking back my life.  Its not that I got a 2nd chance, its that I gave myself a 2nd chance.  I am empowered by it.  And whatever I need to feel is OIK.  Also, focus on what I want to do rather than what I think I need to do.  Don't be pushy with myself.  Pay real attention to my feelings.  Validate them.  Bear witness to what happened and how it made me feel by somehow getting it out of me.  Get the junk out.  The past mistakes have no power here anymore.  I shed myself of him.

I can call her if I want to see her in the future.  She was kind.  I got teary and sniffy.

I think it helped to see me how to continue to help myself heal.  Not a timeline, not looking for perfection, not being too hard on myself.

I will have my first appt with my feelings tomorrow.


If I remember one thing at a time and then express how I feel, I might be able to release it.

7/2/2007

This time, I was well for 7 days after my treatment.  Yesterday, mid-day I became debilitated again from pain.  Did not have to use wheelchair - cane only.  Rested all afternoon.  So far this morning I'm OK but we'll see.  I think I will hurt later.  Snoring is disturbing my sleep again.