The more pain there is, the more you can handle

So, about 5 minutes after waking up this morning, the full bloom migraine exposed itself.  I told myself last night that blogging about this and forcing myself to look at a bright computer screen was not important enough for the discomfort but, I have decided now that I need to document my success.  For me, if for no one else.

I have had some size of a migraine every day since Jan 6, 21 days ago.  And between early December and Jan 6, most days.  I didn't document them.  I rate my migraines in the visual of a rose.  I know, its wierd, something so luxurious and beautiful and treasured, and yet it fits my headache metaphor so fully that I hold onto it.  Mostly when I talk to other people, I describe my migraines in sizes of food.  Almond sized and growing.  Egg sized and steady.  Grapefruit sized, watermelon.  You get it, I'm sure.

In previous years, I have had about 15-20 min of lead time from when I first feel one coming until it is bloomed.  I have time to medicate and try to nip it.  None of my medicines work currently.  I have a doctor appointment on Feb. 11.  I also used to be able to get some relief from cold towels around my head.  Now, nothing.  And, finally, I used to be able to sleep them off and wake up newish.  Again, denied.

I now have the experience of sledgehammer migraines.  If I am lucky enough to be without one for an hour or two, I can obtain one by blinking, it seems.  Wham.   And, its relatively blinding.  Also, it inhibits my mobility further than just any bodily pain will do.

Trying so hard to keep us in clean dishes, clean clothes, fed pets, clean litter, clean my own hair and body, those things have to be scrambled through in the first 20 minutes of being awake in the morning.  Also, while the migraine is just coming out of rosebud size.  About a walnut, or small egg..  Already wearing 2 sets of sunglasses in my home.  All the shades are drawn.  I wear my prescription sunglasses always now.  My regulars are put away.

I did get the peace of a small nap last evening for about 45 minutes at 7 pm.  Then I woke, and did my bedtime things.  Not being able to fall asleep again because of the head pain, I thought well, what the hell?  So, I came out and, in the complete darkness, and with my shades on, did a load of dishes, and two more loads of laundry.  Folded all my laundry and cleaned my kitchen counters, appliances, back splash, etc.  This is with a migraine about orange sized.  But.  without the harassment of light or noise, I could do it peacefully.  There was nothing to retreat from and I found myself relaxed in my pain.  So, I was able to get up this morning with all that done.  It was fabulous because, about 10 steps out of bed (specifically to my bedroom door) the sledgehammer hit and I'm in full bloom.  So, now I just had to get us all fed, which I find I can do without undue suffering.  The beauty of having lived in so much pain for so long, is that I can live in a lot of pain currently.  No fear.  No worry attached to it.  Just making my way through the day.  That's why it's important for me to sit down and stare at this bright screen.  I need to see that it can be done.  That I have done it.  I have the kind of head pain that literally would have sent me to the ER previously and would do many folks but, I am finding ways to cope.  And I am stripping it of emotional power.  Key element.

I fed us all, did litter box duty, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and had 3 somewhat coherent conversations with 2 doctors offices so far today and I am writing this.

Grateful that I have such a safe, comfortable environment to live in.  Grateful to be supported by a loving and understanding person who never asks more of me than I'm able to give.  Grateful for those who love me and pray for me, knowing that these headaches will pass sometime.  They must.  To everything there is a season.  This is clearly migraine season.  lol  Off to lie in silent darkness and convo with The Big Guy.

Have happy, happy days.

Tears from joy, my beauty secret

https://www.facebook.com/StevenJoTV/videos/1188786691150807/?theater

Above is the link to the clip of today's joyful tears.  I love to cry joyful tears, it feels like I'm leaking silk or something.  But, unfortunately, even though I have the life situation to be able to do it anytime, since I don't have to work or raise children, it can bring on a lot of pain.  So, while it feels like the most beautiful gift to be in the presence of the love of the Lord, as the above video made me feel, it also keeps me aware of my challenges and limitations.  It's nice, no, more than nice, to find that my list of blessings and my list of challenges match.  I am.  I try each day to grow closer to Him.  I use the energy I find during each of my days to do what I can to keep myself fed and keep us in clean clothes.  If I have more, I do more.  But, I no longer lament.  I no longer wish.  I no longer yearn.  Instead, I pray.   Really its more like mental chatting than prayer.  I'm not too much into the formal kind, unless my thinking is so impaired that I cannot come up with my own original thoughts.  Then, I always rely on my Hail Marys.

I got one chore done today which I've tried to get done since Christmas.  And I'm happy with it.  New tags for my little essential oil bags on Etsy.  Not a very substantial accomplishment for some out there, but for me quite big, and I'm quite proud.  Others can have different sources of pride.  Every single one of us has a burden.  Mine is physically painful.  I didn't come from a broken home, I have never been homeless or hungry.  I wasn't born into a country at war.  I have a mind that can learn.  I believe in God.  I am not addicted to anything.  (OK, maybe I am addicted to 10 mg of Valium at bedtime.  Can't sleep without it at all nowadays.  Also, addicted to Mozart in the Jungle on Amazon Prime.)  I am stable mentally and emotionally.  Physically, I have taken great care of my body during my life and I enjoy the fact that I look much as I did when I was 30, seventeen years ago.  But, I do live in pain.  That is my thing.  Sure, there are some other things in my past which I have battle scars from to prove my fight.  But, in fact, they are on the blessing list too.  Those battles built me.  These battles now continue to build.  And a video like the one above just gave my skyscraper another floor.  It affirms my life.

Grateful that I have the capacity to love others and to receive love in return.  Grateful for the humility learned by dependence, even if it had to be forced on me.

Have happy happy days