I am writing because Dr. Q. (my psychologist) said I should. I don't want to really because I know it will upset me and be painful to do. I guess I need to experience these painful times.
I've not been very good about the relaxation CK. She wants me to do it two times a day but I haven't. For some reason, I cant make myself do ti. I am so tired of hurting. I'm exhausted from it. I can't bear to think about the next day of my life. I only get to live in the present. It breaks my heart. This problem has robbed me of my job, my chosen field of study, co college degree, my sense of independence, my ability to make new friends, my willingness to travel to my family. So much has changed because of it. I feel irrevocable changed. Even if I am better tomorrow. I feel old. And I'm not old. I do reports each day for people who are much older than me and have actual definitive things wrong with their bodies and I find myself feeling a small sense of - well at least they know whats wrong with them. Why do I hurt? And why doesn't anyone seem interested in figuring it out? How is it possible? What if I am really sick? What if they've missed something and I'm really sick and I'm not being treated. I'm so scared. It hurts even to write this. I try hard not to complain. I know no one wants to hear it, especially Tim. He already knows I hurt, he doesn't need to hear it every time.
I want to focus on the positive now. I have Tim and he loves me and I love him. I love where I live. My family is well. I am so blessed. I have to keep telling myself that I don't think I'm in denial, either. My life is way better than lots of folks . But, my situation does suck and I'm sick of it. I hate being so helpless. I hate hurting. Its not building any character. It sucks and there's no end in sight.
