New venture

Officially launching the FaceBook site for my essential oil terra cotta pendants today.   Uploaded pics just last Friday and have sold 6 since then.  So, now I have photos of them each, and cards, the whole deal. Gratitude for the mental clarity to take this creativity into something that will at least pay for itself.  (Unlike my yarn art.)  Feel pretty delighted that it is raining now, and has several times this week and my symptoms are minimal.  Yes, that's what I said.  Minimal.  I can walk independently, speak coherently, all the stuff I sometimes lose.  So, I am trying to just enjoy it and not really focus on whatever it is I'm doing that's right.  After all, it could be due to nothing I have acted on at all.

Have happy days!

Since last time

Well, its been a bit since I've written.  I've had a few realizations since then.  Also, my symptoms weren't that bothersome for some time until about 3 days ago, so I used the time to do things at sites other than my computer.

For a bit, I crocheted since I was working on a charity drive and our goal was to do as many things as possible for whatever charity we personally chose.  I sent 12 hats and a dozen or so bracelets and necklaces to the Battered Women's Foundation of Fort Worth.  Then I got started on slippers for my sister and a hat & scarf set for my sister-in-law.  I love to work with my yarn.  I especially love when I find a pattern with a stitch that is soothing rhythmically and doesn't require a lot of counting.  I haven't been crocheting for very long and have only had individual instruction once so, I think I'm quite good, considering that.  But, when I have to carefully count specific stitches and gauge is critical, that's when mistakes are made, especially by folks like me.  Let's just say that one of Moni's slippers wasn't exactly the same color throughout.  Very, very, super close, but not exactly.  So, I call it a one-of-a-kind uniquely crafted piece of fiber art made for her very own foot.  (It's a handy thing being good with words.)  I am trying to improve, but not in any goal oriented way.  I can produce better results if it is all I'm doing but, then the book has to be turned off.  I can do it to music of course but, I'm sort of addicted to stories so, books are my thing to listen to.

Then I cooked for a bit and refilled my freezer with enough prepared stuff so that I don't scramble for dinner.  I know it shouldn't seem like I'd ever scramble for dinner since I'm home all day and can take my time choosing what to have or make but, not so.  I don't handle the last minute pressure of him being at home already and asking what's for dinner.  If I don't have an answer for that, it freaks me out a bit.  Also, I think because he doesn't cook, he doesn't get that raw meat (and really cooked meat, too) thawed in the microwave is less desirable than if it were left to thaw at room temperature.  Or, it is for me at least. Anyway, I usually take something out of the freezer and about half the time he doesn't feel like having that.  He never complains.  He is very happy eating something else.  But I am left feeling like I did it wrong.

Also, in the last month, I discovered I am an empath.  (I think there are people out there who would say this was "New Agey" and not a real thing, similar to psychics.)  It is not the same as being psychic.  It means the ability to feel is enhanced, which actually makes sense with my particular disability.  A friend brought this to my attention.  I had mixed feelings about this for a couple weeks and it was hard to come to terms with.  I didn't doubt it, when the books I got described types of people, I'm one of them.  There's no question.  So, the thing to do about it now is to make sure I continue to pay careful attention to whatever and whoever in the world has access to me, stimulation wise.  Its unhealthy for me to just wander through the world like most folks can.  I have to do things and go places with deliberation and purpose, or not go.  And, I have to choose folks to be in my world by their quality and peacefulness.  Since my world already involves so few people, it is likely that when my energy is depleted or changed for the negative, it is due mostly to environmental causes or to hanging on energies in the larger world around me, both of which I don't have control.  I will try to work on constructing any further mental barriers which could help separate me from feeling too much.

I spent some time making terra-cotta essential oil pendants this week.  It was a brand new creative endeavor for me and I LOVED it.  It was surprisingly delightful to sit there with clay and create.  I have posted them for sale.  The trouble is that if I do it for maybe 2 mornings about 2 hours each, I end up with a couple dozen pendants.  They are going to pile up quick at that rate.  Unless I find a Massage Envy who wants to put them on their front desks for sale, I doubt I will be able to get rid of them as quickly as I'd like to make them.

So, that's a quick catch up of life inside me.  I had some very down days not very long ago.  But, I floated up as the waters rose and felt better.  Had a couple lovely "play-dates" with other women friends, which I don't get to do often enough.  That was overdue.  And entirely enjoyed

I have decided I am going to try to describe my days differently to you.  Previously, I have used the words good and bad as descriptors for how I felt each day.  That's value based and sets me up for feeling some blame when all I did was wake up with severe symptoms.  So, I'm going to try out other things like "I'm not symptomatic today  or  Symptoms are severe now".  Maybe I could try "Life feels difficult today or A piece of cake day".  If I can remember to do that and retrain my thinking, I bet I would feel mentally better on days I'm currently calling "bad".   Today, by the way, is a difficult day so far.

Grateful today for plans to get away soon with a dear, dear loved one.  And deep gratitude that I floated back up when the waters rose.

Have happy, happy days.  They're the only days we get.  Don't waste them.

Definitely darker

There's a weird sort of thing that happens with my symptoms.  It is understandable from a birds-eye view but, I am not a bird.  I am having to live it.  So, its a bit harder to wrap my head around and sort of get the firm grip I need in order not to sink.  Here goes.  So, severe symptoms like pain, or migraine, or massive fatigue limit everything I do when they are present.  I adapt to include them into my life since I have no choice but to do so.  Part of adapting means that I am limited as to where I can go, the independent freedom to go when I want, and the energy of participating in some event.  So, as adaptation, I have learned not to make too many plans.  They are too frequently cancelled and/or changed.  I know that large groups of people cause an unhealthy reaction in my body, so again I avoid places where these groups might be.  I am extremely sensitive to certain vibrations and smells, and noises.  More things to avoid.  I don't drive because it isn't safe when I am symptomatic, and I live with unpredictable symptoms.   These changes make sense when symptoms are in place.  However, lately, the last few weeks, symptoms have not been overly bad.  I find myself left with what feels like a shell of a life.  Unfulfilled.  Lonely.  I have lost so much of what I'd want to be or do that when I can contribute or participate, the doors are already closed due to symptoms.  Even if I can go to a place where a lot of people are gathered, and it may be a bit noisy, maybe a neighborhood social event or whatever, I am left feeling like I don't belong there.  I've already adapted it out.  They don't know me and are so busy with the people they do know that they don't have time to get to know me.  It seems darker here, in this place.  This life that feels a bit like a shell today.  Sometimes, when I have been symptomatic, I can recall feeling like life is on hold.  Like I'm just waiting it out for "this" to pass so I can get back to..... to what?  Well, to doing nothing, really.  I did get some very sad news a couple days ago that I haven't yet processed emotionally, and certainly that has a component on how dark things look for me today.  My personal triangle remains the same.  If I'm not in pain, I am fatigued.  If I'm not fatigued, I have a migraine.  If I don't have a migraine, I'm depressed.  So, just finishing out the cycle with that last one.  It's a very scary one.  Physical pain is super easy for me to tolerate compared to pain in my heart and soul.  I know for SURE that that will pass.  This just feels bigger.  It feels like someone has taken a huge old moldy woolen blanket and thrown it over me and I can't find any corner to lift it and get light.  I'm trying to find an edge.  But, I keep dropping it or not being strong enough to lift it.  I have a lovely life.  Even as I type that, I find that I cannot smile about it.  Problem.  I have a spouse who is ideal for me and treasures me and, still not smiling at the monitor.  Problem.  I have the affection of two sweet animals.  Stone-faced as I sit here.  Problem.   I am grateful in theory for about a billion things in my world and yet, I feel empty.  I have adapted so many fulfilling things out of my life that now, when I am not fully symptomatic, I am left empty.  I am waiting for symptoms to come so I have something to do.  ??  Could that be possible?    What I have just written confuses me no end.  If you are confused as well, then I guess I made my point.  This whole thing is just so much NOT straightforward and I lack the mental energy necessary to connect the proposed dots.  I just do.  That is all.  Going to bed now.

Grateful for the bedtime yoga sequence that calms me and has improved my sleep cycle.    Thanks, Adriene.