Independence and Connotation

So, since I am unable to do much of what has lately filled my time, I find myself thinking, and consequently, I guess I will put my thoughts down here.  For better or worse. 

In the bathtub just now, I was reflecting on independence.  A word that is commonly used with it is fierce.  But after having it and losing it repeatedly, I see that the word fierce is just place-holding for the word pride.  People! are proud of themselves when they accomplish stuff.  "Look Mom, see how high I can swing!"  Its ingrained in us from super young that its a good, advantageous, and desirable to be able to do things ourselves, and to need help is a weakness.  And to ask for help, that's more than just a little lame.  No one wants to ask for help.  Not at any age.  Kids fail in school because they didn't ask for help and no one noticed that help was needed.  Folks fail at jobs because help was needed but fear of weakness was greater.  Marriages fail because therapy is seen to be asking for help.  Elderly folks fall because they won't use a cane when they get unstable.  That's what we've gotta get around.  I need a lot of help again in life.  For a long time, I didn't, but now I do again.  I can't drive myself anywhere.  I can't take a load of laundry out of the wash.   I can't pick up a full gallon of milk.  I mean, I could do all those things, if I didn't care about myself or my safety, or the safety of others.  Physically, its possible for me to drive.  I can sit there and turn the car on, and get going down the street.  But, I am physically unable to grip the steering wheel properly, which, I think we can all agree is a ginormous problem in itself.  And I'm unable to move my foot rapidly enough, or have strength enough in my leg to use the brake at the necessary time.   Also, I can take a load of laundry out of the washer physically.  It might sublux my shoulder, elbow, or any part of my wrist  and hand to do it.  And even if I manage not to injure a joint, it is incredibly painful to go through those motions.  I physically require rest after doing the task.  The same with milk.  I can lift it, but the agony I force myself to endure in doing so, instead of asking for help, feels like disrespect to myself and my situation and my needs.  So, I'm not defiant in the face of my dependence.  It is what is, right now.  And I have HUGE respect for myself and all I have survived and endured to live to see this very day.  So, I will ask for help whenever, wherever, and often.  Because the fierce was let go years ago.  Because the pride has forever fallen away.  And very importantly, because people in the world want to help.  By giving them the opportunity, I give them a chance to do a good thing.  And 2 other folks might see that good thing.  And those 2 folks might post on social media about the good thing.  And then, by asking for help, I have made a positive ripple.  Which empowers me.  Needing help doesn't equate weakness.  It is strength that asks for assistance.  It is wisdom which recognizes limits and seeks aide.  I'm empowered by my dependence.  It would be lovely to not have had to ask Tim to bring my wheelchair from my bedroom to the kitchen where I was on the floor, but I needed it.  And he did it.  And however he felt about doing it for me, I know he was glad to help me up off the floor.  And I hold no shame with it.  I think fierceness needs to apply to protection of our self-respect, rather than our independence. 

My .02 today.
May you all feel as blessed as you actually are. 
Marie

Dramatic Morning

And just like that, everything changes dramatically.  Again.  All it took was organ music.  Hours later, I still cannot walk.  Searing pain, all over.  Fuzzy thinking.  Freezing cold, everywhere.  It’s been so long, the best part of a year and a half, since pain like this has been with me.  I was trying to untangle it on the way home from church and explain the sensation to Tim.  I compared it to a bell being rung, and more importantly to the subsequent sensation of ringing that lingers.  That’s what I feel in my bones.  It feels like my skeleton, all of it, is ringing, or buzzing, or something like that.  He said the organ must have hit “Marie’s resonance frequency”. Lol.  

It makes some sense in my head because, my connective tissues are looser than they should be, therefore, my skeleton is not held together tightly.  But instead, I am loosely constructed.  So, I vibrate more.  And the more I vibrate, the more my nervous system is stimulated, and the more subsequent pain.  Which is why I have brought my cane out and why I will be using my wheelchair for the unforeseeable future.  My sweet T brought my laptop to my bedroom for me, so I could capture these thoughts.  I can’t even walk while holding it.  Which means no driving.  Which means no volunteering with babies.  Which means no handling unknown dogs at the shelter.  Which means setting no cat traps.  So, today, I’ve lost a lot. 

But, it’s all just a chapter.  I don’t know how long this one will be.  But, another change will come again.  So, all is not lost.  Just some.  And not forever.  Just for a while.  I might regain function tomorrow.  Or not until June.  Or not until 2022.  But it is possible.  Because with God, all things are possible.  And if I am anything in this life, I am with God. 

I have been, and continue to be, so very, very blessed.