Things have improved. I am no longer plagued by such unrelenting pain in the last couple of days. Fatigue has replaced it, but I will take fatigue every time over pain. And, also no headaches, which is a blessing. I continue to stay basically cocooned in this house to accomplish these steps forward which is a fairly high price to pay. Feels very, very much like others are out there living, and I am here, stagnant.
I can't fall asleep yet, and it frustrates me. I have read. I have crocheted. I have prayed. Last night I resorted to a Valium to just knock me out and I don't want to do that again. Lately at bedtime, my skin itches so bad, and of course if I reflexively scratch it, boy o boy, I am reminded that I can't just scratch an itch like a normal person. I have to scratch the itch like I'm a week old newborn. Otherwise, I just end up hurting myself, and the itching multiplies. So, I sit here, another attempt at tiring myself enough to sleep. The hundred or so bugs crawling all over me want attention but I deny them, for now.
I am going to culture food tomorrow for the first time. I'm very excited. The starters I ordered should come in tomorrow's mail. Today I prepared lots of veggies. Red peppers, beets, cabbages, both colors, celery, and carrots. Love my food processor. I have been reading that I can get enough probiotics in these fermented vegetables so that my gut will be balanced naturally and I can quit taking supplements. If only. After I seal the jars of food with the brine, they sit in a warmish place for 3 days, then should be ready to eat. Then transfer to the refrigerator for up to a year. Also, tomorrow, I'm going to pickle watermelon rinds. Proof that I feel better than a few weeks ago. So ambitious, huh?
Also going to make kefir for the first time. Will report back as to success.
I feel a very distinct feeling of unease right now. And, that would probably be natural considering the hundred crawly bugs, but no, it isn't them. My mind, my spirit isn't at rest. I'm not sure why. It's sort of as if I sense that something is on the way to my life and I'm readying myself. On alert, that's what it is, alert. Interesting how I am using both the word alert and the word fatigue to describe myself today. Oh, the possibilities of the universe.....
This week I have two doctor appointments to go to so, I will not be enjoying my safe cocoon as much. It is time-consuming and energy-draining to go to an appointment. I'm grateful that I have good doctors I trust and that we have good medical insurance, to be sure. But, the expenditure on my part is high, especially when there is more than one appointment in a single week. Not looking forward to it. Maybe that's the unease. Light-bulb. On.
Update on bugs: they're winning. I am miserable. Of course, these bugs are invisible and you can't smash them or flick them off. In my head, justifying taking med so I can get the sleep I so desperately need. I won't be able to do it with this constant itching otherwise. And it's midnight. So many hours past my bedtime.
Have happy, happy, restful nights.
~M
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