Nightmare. If you love me, beware. If you don't, this is quite interesting.

So, I have decided to share this repeated nightmare I have here just in case it might resolve it in my head and it might change or stop.  I have it frequently.  When I told my fantastic psychologist about it, and she explained the likely meaning to me, we were both emotional.  I cried.  And I have cried over it since.  Whenever I wake up from it, I am careful to lie there for a few minutes remembering it and committing important parts in my mind.  Then I go straight to the laptop and just type nonstop until it’s all out.  So I have several pages of it and only a bit of variation, like maybe the location.  The gist is the same.  As is the ending.

The person in the dream who is against me is always a member of my close family of origin (meaning my folks and siblings).  It is always that same member.  I treasure this person, as I do all five, and would not inflict hurt feelings for anything.  So, I am going to be gender non-specific and call the person Jamie, as that could be male or female.    After you read, I think you will agree that none of us would ever want to be in this Jamie’s position in a loved one’s dream.

Here goes:  I’m going to tell the school version but, there is a party version, a camping version, a supermarket version.

In my dream, Jamie and I are a couple, as well as siblings, which is weird, I know. She/he is unchanged in that she’s normal in almost every way except in how it applies to me.  (I’m just going to use she for ease of writing.)  So in private, she becomes diabolical.  I try to figure out a way to escape from her but, I can’t.  She says she’s going to kill me, it’s just a matter of when.  She will not let me out of her sight.  She is everywhere I go, magically.   She insinuates herself in everything I do.  Finally, I get to tell a couple of people what she has said about killing me and they won’t help.  I don’t know whether they don’t believe me or they don’t want to get involved or what.  Finally an old teacher of mine helps me (we are in a school and not one I ever went to).    At that point, the teacher and every other person in the class, all people I have been friends with in my life, try to hide me from Jamie.  She storms the school looking for me with a gun.  Everyone is terrified.  They think she doesn’t care about hurting them so, they try to protect me.  She shoots them to get to me.  They sneak me out of the classroom and into a bathroom and then they form a wall of protection for me again.  Jamie finds us.  She doesn’t even want me back or to have control over me anymore.  She just wants to kill me.  She has gone crazy with hating me.  I am so confused.  I don’t understand how this can be the case.  I am so bewildered as I just try to survive.  One old boyfriend in the class tells me he will do anything to protect me and I realize I should never have left him to be with Jamie.  He tries to figure out a way to save me but, he can’t. 

Jamie is crazy with wanting me dead.  Jamie always tells me this well before the immediate danger of it, too.  She seems normal to others, just crazy to me.  People don’t believe me when I ask for help.  I am afraid every second of every day.  I even ask strangers for help.  I tell every person I can what danger I’m in and no one helps.  When I finally find someone who will help hide me, because that’s the only way to protect me, (Jamie can’t be fought or killed), the hider is always in such danger.  Every person I know is in danger as she searches everywhere for me.  Every friend I’ve ever had is at risk.  She always finds me.  She always delights in getting ready to kill me. 

(Jamie seems to be able to smell me out.  Once I hid in a department store in a rack of clothes and she walked straight to me as if somehow she knew right where I was.)  Sometimes I needed to run and couldn’t because of my pain.  I am always confused and fearful.

I dream all the way through being killed by Jamie most dreams.  It is usually up close and personal with a knife (a KitchenAid knife that’s in my kitchen right now!), a really big chopping knife.  I do not scream.  I am quiet.  She just quietly inserts it into my abdomen and I die.  There is no fight, no struggle.

NOW – here is the really sad part – Jamie represents my illness, the literal genetic component of my illness.  I guess I could have given the pretend name Gene, lol.  So, if you read again and substitute the word illness/genetics for the word Jamie, it really does explain how deeply I am affected subconsciously by my fibro. 


To my family of origin:  It is not important at all which of you is Jamie.  It is not about any of you as people.  Jamie just represents my very close genetic bond to you.  It is my illness chasing me, that’s all.  I thought long and hard before publishing this because I would not do it if I thought you would take it on as your responsibility and feel hurt by it.  Please don't do that.

I sincerely hope that in the telling, maybe I can change the dream.  I have tried to change it many times but, can't seem to get out of the cycle.  

Don't think I don't have super great dreams, either.  I have another that is frequent as well and that one has me smiling in my sleep (so says Tim) and I wake up smiling.  Now, darlings, that is a dream.  I am gonna keep that one for myself for now.   There is no better way to begin a day than waking up smiling.  

Have happy, happy days!