Encouraging validity

So, here is what I learned this week.  I'm making progress.  Honest to goodness progress.

In a conversation with my Dad, I mentioned that I was doing a bit better and I knew it was because I'm staying in and just taking really little baby steps in my activity level.  I said I wasn't sure if it was fear or not because I didn't want to slide backwards.  I needed a break from my storm of symptoms and flare-up SOOOO badly.  My body, my mind, my spirit, needed for it to subside, even for a bit, desperately, and I have been very careful not to do too much.

My fantastic Dr. L and I discussed this.  I very much don't want to make any decisions out of fear.  I don't carry fear around with me now and I don't want to pick it up again.  Also, fear comes with a physical feeling, shortness of breath, rapid heart rate, sweating, etc.  Imagine truly spotting a mountain lion when out for a hike.  Those feelings are PRESENT.  You don't decide for them to be there.  They are just there to save your life, that's all.  So, in light of that, as I decide not to go out these days in the heat, it is not out of fear.  I am making the choice that it is not worth the risk of sliding backwards for me.  I know what usually happens to my body 95% of the time when I put myself in an unpleasant climate or take on more than feels completely comfortable and I choose not to go through it.  On the 5% chance that I am wrong and that I could do the activity and not suffer, I'm simply not willing to, choosing not to, take that chance.  Things were just too bad this year for too long and I want to protect this calm in the storm however I can.  And the very fact that I include fear as one of the options in the multiple choice of "why am I really not doing this activity?" instantly concludes that it cannot be fear.  In fear, I do not have creative problem-solving energy.  The only energy I have is to save myself from the lion.  But the fact that I can decide, means it cannot be real fear.  It can be very cautious prevention but, that is MY CHOICE.  I am not afraid.  My Savior tells me to BE NOT AFRAID, and I am not.  And it feels wonderful.  I will be as careful as I want for as long as I want and if that means I miss the entire summer of 2014, well then that's fine by me.  I want to spend as much time with my indoor kitty as possible now anyway.  She is very much not well.