I have an overwhelming feeling of apathy today. I don't like that. I have felt it before and I know which road that sometimes leads me down. A dark road. A road that convinces my subconscious to bully me into accepting blame and undoes any belief I have in myself. The really troubling thing is that on that depressing road, there are just a few ways off of it. We all know there is obviously a permanent solution to that depressing road. I am not interested at all in a permanent solution because I KNOW my problem is temporary. The other ways off the road are medications, which I already take, and cognitive therapy, which I already engage in. I would not call my mood today depressed, but, it is on the border, closer to depressed than not, and I am uncomfortable with it because, I am already being treated for it. This could mean maybe my medicine needs to be adjusted. Maybe I need to increase the frequency of my psychologist visits. Or maybe it is just due to hormones, in which case, I may feel better in a few days. I wish I could know.
I face so many unknowns. I realize everyone does but, I face them from an angle of the underdog, as it were. I don't have independence. I don't always have benefit of my own mind, my own brain. I don't have control over when I will be overtaken by symptoms so severe that they steal my speech from me. I have no idea when or where this will happen. I have tried over the nine and a half years to figure out when and why and where but, I just end up frustrated. I do control what I can. I understand some of the stimuli in our world which are triggers for me. But, I have internal chemical triggers too, which I cannot control or predict. Also, there is just the weather.
I envy folks who feel capable. I remember that feeling and looking back, it really is complete freedom. Like taking flight. You can do for yourself whatever you need. You can also do for others so as to fuel relationships which are sustainable. I would never have thought that at just 45, I am not capable anymore. Rather, I'm not as capable as I was, or as I'd like to be, or as capable as most other 45 year old women. Yes, I am more capable than some but today, I want to allow myself to focus on what I have lost. I think I don't do that enough. I force myself to look to the optimistic angle, knowing things could always be worse for me. But, I also need to acknowledge the reality of who I am now. I need to recognize and honor what is lost. How profound the loss is, and, for all anybody knows, how permanent. I am quite young to have lost so much. The loss took place when I was 36. That is not very much of capable adulthood. Not enough.
I envy folks who can look forward in their lives. They have events which will happen that will be milestones. I do not. I will not retire. I will not watch a child go to college. I will not watch a son or daughter get married. I will not hold a grandchild. And these cannot be hoped for. They are given facts. I hope instead for things and environments for those I love dearly, not for myself. I hope my siblings can all retire, happily, at an appropriate age, and with health. I hope my nieces and nephew find love, real respectful, life-changing love. I hope my spouse has a fulfilled life. (This nags at me today since I am feeling downish. I know by the fact of being married to me, his life is limited, too. He professes that he is happy and content and I believe he is. But, I cannot help but wonder what kind of man he would be with an able wife.) I hope my parents keep their health and their minds for as long as God wants them with us. I hope no one I love comes down with a catastrophic disease. I wish I could say that I hope for a cure for my illness but, in truth, that is too terrifying to do. It opens my heart too wide and I just cannot bear it. I think I have had just one too many heartbreaks than to wish for that. What I do hope for, for myself, is never to become seriously depressed again.
So, it is clear why I am a bit bothered today. This is the opposite of what I would like to feel. I don't really feel sad or angry, I just feel, well nothing. Many days, I'm so full of gratitude, love, joy, delight, that to have a day where I feel none of those and in fact cannot make myself smile, that is a marked mood change. I will take steps today to really measure and observe how I am emotionally and I will try to truly understand what is going on. Maybe I really am just lonely. I have told Tim several times this week in the evenings or afternoons how glad I was that he was home from work. Loneliness is a killer. I can be alone. I can do that with the best of them. But I, like everybody else, am a social animal. I crave contact with others. And I don't have enough. I live with a constant deficit. Maybe the deficit is continually there because of how much I limit myself and my exposure to potential triggers of horrible physical symptoms, maybe not. Maybe it is just really hard to be on the other side of a meaningful friendship with me. I don't know. I can't stand in those shoes, though I wish I could, just so I could understand.
I feel like I'm an old person, reflecting on the times in my life when I was vital and capable. Just 15 years over the age of 21. So those few years are all I dream about at night, those specific environments. All I have to remember. That is not to say that I haven't done anything meaningful since the onset of this illness, I have, and I'm proud. But, it would be a lie to say I don't feel forgotten. Almost what I imagine it would be like to be in a nursing home, just sort of left behind, while the rest of the capable world gets on with what they are looking forward to.
I want to snap out of this apathy and so I pray that I will. Lord, please let Your Holy Spirit fill me and comfort me. Help me look toward you when I crave looking toward some earthly situation. Help me feel fulfilled in knowing how precisely special you created me. Help me know I am fulfilling a purpose unknown to me but critical in Your plan. Help me to smile again. Amen.
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