It's 4:48 am. I woke at almost exactly 3:30 screaming. This has only happened a handful of times in my life and only two or three times since I've lived with Tim. He came to me from his room, 4 rooms away, to see that I was OK. Then he climbed into bed with me and held me and chatted with me about whatever TV we watched last night or how much we got the cat to eat or whatever for about 10 minutes. I apologized for waking him and he said he was already awake but, I'm not so sure. With a long body pillow in between us, he held me. I have to sleep naked, I require it. I cannot bear to have anything touching my skin except socks and mittens/gloves. In addition, I cannot bear to be touched by him, or have his skin next to mine while I am trying to sleep. It just doesn't work. I am too sensitive to the stimulation that my body and brain cannot relax. He gets this. So, for about 5 minutes or so we just lay there together, him holding me, me feeling blessed that my husband would come to my "rescue", knowing that I am loved and truly cared for. He gets up at 4 am to start his day, so for the last 10 minutes or so, he was sort of dozing off, snoozing a bit. This is when the real trouble starts for me. My sensitive brain goes into hyper drive. Even light snuffles sound like the loudest snores, and the twitches, don't get me started. As he falls asleep, probably as do many thousands of normal functioning bodies, he twitches during that light phase before he gets to deep sleep. And it makes me crazy. CRAZY crazy. I simply cannot tolerate it. But, I knew his internal clock would get him up and into the bath at 4 am and that for 10 minutes I would make myself tolerate it. I would lie next to this man who rescued me and subdue all my reflexive reactions to get away from the stimulation and just be grateful. Grateful for the twitches because, should I outlive him, I will surely never feel them again. Grateful that someone in this world so loves me as to rush to my aid across the entire house in the middle of the night. It was a long 10 minutes of gratitude but, I endured. Mind over matter works but it has limits. After all, it was only 10 minutes, and I would not have asked him to leave, I would have just put on a robe and wandered out to the couch or something. But, after he kissed me goodbye for the day and left at 4am, I was suddenly so aware of how alone I spend my nights. I so miss not being able to share a bed with him. Not being able to snuggle. We are naturally limited in our intimacy as any couple is when one has a chronic illness. But, we have learned to adapt and cope creatively with that as best we can. It is just the day to day intimacy of how lovely it would be to wake up with him that I don't have. The fact that I cannot lie in his arms comfortably, naked, for more than like 15 seconds, is a loss. I would not even hear him if he had such a nightmare and called out in the night. I have to have this white noise machine 2 feet from my head on loud to block out any and all extraneous sounds or a simple car passing would wake me. And so, I am aware again, from another angle, how our relationship is affected by this illness. In the spirit of trying to give thanks in all things, I am thankful that the roles are not reversed because he so loves how the cat curls up to sleep with him, while I cannot have it. I am thankful he gets that affection and that he deeply understands that my hypersensitivity is not my choice. It is my wiring. I have no more control over it than I do which hormones will be released when. I can endure discomfort for a short while, as I proved this morning but, after doing so, I am wide awake, and my very precious sleep is cut short by a few hours. This will prove to be problematic later today. I have a doctors appointment this morning which means waiting for and riding the bus to and from. Also, being in crowded noisy waiting rooms, and lots of fluorescent lighting. And finally, when I get home, it will be lunchtime and immediately nap time. By the time I wake, he will be home from work. Hopefully, and this is really hoping, my nap will be restorative enough that I can enjoy at least a few hours awake with him before I have to turn in for the night. Just love and twitches. Such is life. Reminds me to pray the Serenity prayer.
Have happy days!
No comments:
Post a Comment