Vlad my pet migraine

Many folks have never had a migraine headache.  Some folks have only had a couple in their lives.  For me, I have a pet migraine which I would like to fully describe and introduce y'all to.  His name is Vlad.  I once saw a show on the history channel about Vlad the Impaler in some Slavic nation who used to put the heads of his own people on spikes around his castle.  That feels like about the right amount of evil I wish his name connotation to have.

So, Vlad chose me.  I did not pick him. With my dog, I went to the place where the dogs were and then my specific dog did come and sit on my foot and claim me as his.  And the cat, we chose her specifically.  Vlad wandered into my life one day with a ball and chain and I could simply not outrun him.  This description of him will sound fantastical but, I assure you it is as real a description as I can write about the facts and how they unfold.  In my imagination, if I had to draw Vlad, he'd be like a Gila monster.  Now some think those are cool or cute but, Vlad is mutated.  He is a color that makes you gag.  Whatever that color is for you.  For me, its a yellowish brownish greenish hue.  His skin looks like a cross between a decomposing fish and a cat with mange.  It is a disturbing sight.  And he varies in size, unlike any other organism I've ever seen.  There are times when he's probably only 10 pounds, other times when he's easily 200 lbs.  And times when he's weightless.

Here is a description of our day.  He is clamped to me permanently.  We both know this.  It is my job to keep him satisfied.  When Vlad is happy, everyone is happy.  He lives in an invisible backpack I wear at all times and he is weightless when he is happy.  As he feels dissatisfaction, he grows weight and bulk.  Sometimes this happens slowly, but, I have known it to happen in under 2 minutes as well.

Many varied things could upset his zen.  Too much light, too much noise, too much hunger or thirst, too much of some food additive, too many hours of being awake, weird strong smells,  some random color blue, whatever.  Some of it is predictable, some is just not.  I have studied the species Vlad belongs to and I try very hard to please him.  I really do.  I wear sunglasses inside my home about half my waking hours.  I keep the temperature at 70 degrees and pay the electricity to do that.  He will not tolerate even 72 without letting me know his displeasure.  I do not emerge from the doors of my home without a large brim hat on my head.  No matter the season.  This sometimes makes me look like a freak, I know, or a homeless woman, but, really at the cost of keeping Vlad happy, I will pay a very hefty fine.

So, here is how it unfolds when Vlad becomes dissatisfied.  Let's say, I am 30 minutes past due for something new in my belly.  Vlad becomes visible and he's maybe the size of  a beagle. (Rarely ever does he reveal himself in smaller more manageable forms, like say, lizard-sized.  It has happened but it is the exception, not the rule.  Vlad is a diva, all about drama.) Big enough for me to do something about IMMEDIATELY.  This action involves several things.  First, I reach for my migraine medicine.  I take Frova which is a triptan and is what is called an acute medicine, meant to stop Vlad from growing further.  (I also take other preventative medicine daily to keep Vlad satisfied.  He's a propanolol junkie.  My blood apparently is more appealing when its thinner.)  I take one 2.5 mg Frova with 2 Aleve, and I have these 3 pills on my person at all times, unless I have had to leave my house in such a terrible brain fog that I have not replaced my supply.  This is a disaster.  Vlad wins.  More about that later.

So I've taken the pills, Vlad has gotten from a beagle sized Gila monster to a pony sized Gila monster in a matter of about 20 minutes  OR, the medicine has indeed aborted the migraine and Vlad is chased back into his invisible backpack.  Even if the latter happens, I still wear my sunglasses for a while just to make sure Vlad is OK if he sticks his head back out.  Let's talk about when the acute medicine fails.  This happens more often than it used to for me, and also, I am very aware of what's called rebound headaches.  If you take the acute medicine so often, you begin to have a headache only because you haven't taken it that day.  I have gotten into this cycle before and the only way out is to suffer some days of Vladzilla.  Not something I am ever wanting to face again.  So, I am careful about my medicine and try to not take it more than 3 days in a row.  Also, the insurance company only gives me 9 pills for my month supply.  That is an awful high expectation that I can keep Vlad satisfied, if you ask me.  But I digress.

It's about 40 minutes after I took the meds and the pony sized Vlad is now cow-sized.  He requires darkness, stillness, and quiet.  When I say requires, I mean that.  This is not what Vlad prefers, he is now big enough that he is holding my entire body hostage unless he gets these three needs met.  If ignored, he will make me vomit any food or water or medicine I've taken, and I have come close to passing out from not providing them.  Strength of every kind leaves me.  Knees buckle.  Speech goes.  The whole she-bang hits the fan.

So, now, I am providing Vlad his needs.  I am alone in my dark bedroom lying still with the ball of my hand pressing my third eye.  This seems to be an iota of relief.  Not sure why but, it is.  I sometimes lie with cold towels or wet cloths over my face or around my neck.  Mostly I just pray for passing out so I am not any longer awake for the suffering.  Vlad is now the size of that really big bear they have stuffed at the Cabela's store.  Maybe 15 feet tall or more.  But, don't imagine him as beautiful like the bear, he's still the Gila monster mutation with mange and dead scales.  It is a sight to behold, let me tell you.  And, now he is snacking on my skull and my brain.  Yes.  He Is.  Eating it and not in bear sized bites.  In dainty little tea-time sized bites.  Eating my brain.  While I am alive.  I pray to the Virgin Mary to just sleep.  Please let me sleep.  Most times, I wake up and Vlad has gone back to his backpack and life is again wonderful.  Sometimes, Vlad is still with me, but beagle sized again.  Or maybe even mouse-sized, but, he's out of his sanctuary which means my battle is already begun.  Since it's not a good idea to take more acute meds at this point, there's nothing for it but stay in darkness, coolness, stillness, quiet to keep him from growing.  He's already unhappy.  He's gonna grow.  This is not conjecture.  This is historical data.  The headache always progresses without  medication in my body.  But, I do still need to come out of my bedroom cave now and then to do stuff like feed myself and my animals when I'm alone here.  The dog still has got to go out.  So, life is not easy.  Not at all.

Now imagine this.  Vlad has been bear-sized for 2 days, no relief.  This makes him grow exponentially.  After 5 days Vlad becomes Vladzilla, and that is not a joke.  I am so overwhelmed by the sheer pain I am constantly in that I think I lapse into incoherence sometimes.  I can only bring myself to whisper, not even speak aloud.  I do not want to eat.  This has happened to me.  This is not fiction.

If you've ever talked with me about my pain, I will have told you that I'd take physical body pain any and every day over the migraines.  Now that you have met Vlad and know his true nature, and that he is tethered to me with a ball and chain thingy, you see, pain in my arms, hands, legs, back, it's all not so bad.  Yes, it is disabling.  No, I cannot drive.  No, I cannot work.  But, I do not want to die.  When Vladzilla is on me, eating my frontal lobe, I do.  I truly do want to die.  I would never do anything to cause that to happen because it is not for me to make that decision but, I have wanted it.  More than once.  And, I think I probably will want it again.  It is a natural human response to torture.  That is what migraine is.  Vlad the Torturer.  And I am only a human.

There is a shot to be had at emergency rooms which sometimes is effective in disrupting these marathon migraines but, even they do not always work and sometimes have powerful side-effects.  If your brain was being snacked on by a bear sized mutated Gila monster, now imagine vomiting until you dry heave.  That is worse than just being snacked on.  Yes?  Yes. Trust me, it is.

Dear Lord,  we pray for all the little Vlad's in creation that they make themselves known while they are manageable and do not drive people to madness.  We pray especially for those we love never to suffer this kind of head pain.  We pray for you to intervene when folks are thinking of permanently solving a temporary problem.  In you gentle hands, Amen.

Have happy happy days!