Grateful that the medicine I currently have is nipping them for now and that they are not lowering my quality of life dramatically. Praying, and asking you to pray, that whatever is causing them comes to a close.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Oh Headache Tree, Oh Headache Tree
So, I've been in a long-term goal to lose XYZ pounds. And, triumphantly, have lost X and Y. Now, having to abandon the altered nutrition. I am getting at least one migraine a day again. Unfortunately, there's no way to tell yet what has brought them back. In my hope that it was simple hunger, I am eating solid food and meat, etc again. I am making sure that my environment is humidified well. I am making sure proper naps are had. Going to bed on time and doing more pilates than was usual for me. I can't get my hands to grip around an answer. My medicine is working when I take it. The onset is so rapid that I don't have any time to drink my pink saltwater remedy. The issue: I am prescribed enough medicine to get through 9 headaches a month. Nine. I am simply not permitted to have more than that. lol. The insurance company thinks that if that dosage doesn't work, then it is the wrong medicine for me at this time. (And I would not argue that fact.) The prospect of me having to change migraine medicine is, let's call it, horrendous. Not sure if that word really covers it. Will have to keep thinking about proper adjectives for it.
Monday, November 30, 2015
Nov 30 Catch-Up
It has been a long time since I have felt clear-headed enough when the computer was also free for me to write. (There's some kind of war going on lately whereby my husbands goblin gang roam around looking for treasure, slaying all those in the way....and I guess battles need to be tended to rather immediately...)
Much has happened to me, emotionally at least, in the last several weeks. I have had some eureka moments which I hope stay with me, even when my fog is very dense. First, I really do think I am gluten intolerant. Also, intolerant of additives and preservatives. I have been on a juice diet for about 3 weeks, beginning the 4th now. It has helped me lose some more of the pounds I want to whittle away. I plan to stay on it until the New Year. I am eating some small solid foods, but trying to really just give my body nutrients it can use more immediately. I am down 20 pounds with only 10 to go by May of next year. That's within reach. I am not letting myself get too hungry, that's a sure fire migraine trigger. So, I'm enjoying that small accomplishment. It is especially successful since I have accomplished nearly all of it with nutrition change. I do some pilates a few days a week, but not enough to burn any significant calories. I'm not in the vigorous exercise category, but the sedentary one, unfortunately.
Second, my symptoms are still moderate, have not gotten severe again for more than a couple days at a time, even though the weather has been cold and wet for about a week. I don't know if the nutrition change has helped to keep things more balanced so pain isn't triggered, I have no idea why this spell of cold wet weather is treating me ok when some in the past haven't. I do know one thing, I have only left my home once in the past 4 days and stayed indoors only. Blessed with warmth and shelter.
A friend suggested a book to me which was fantastic. I listened to it but, I now want to read it also. It's called The Shack by William P. Young. It has given me a new and different perspective about my spiritual relationships and what I want my goals to be. It has pointed out to me once and for all that our human striving for independence (the thing that was stripped from me by this illness) is nearly on the same level as idol worship. It is not of God. In fact, the more we try to control whatever in our lives, the more we prove to Him that we don't trust and love Him in the way He wants. Independence from Him is wrong. We need to need Him in order for our hearts to open enough to let Him in. So, I now see that before I got sick, I did seek independence fiercely. I had been somewhat controlled by others for some years and I was then beginning to do MY thing. I had MY goals, MY plan and path. He simply wanted me on His path, to know His plan, in His time. So, for me to get there, it took stripping me of my independence LITERALLY. Now, I frequently need help. Physical, emotional, psychological, logistical, mental, all kinds possible. And I ask for it when I do. Or I try to, and I usually accomplish it. I am deep in the category of needy now. I need Him. I need others. This creates one other beauty, a grateful heart. When a heart is grateful, it cannot carry anger, resentment, bigotry, whatever is dark. Grateful hearts know God's love. They are filled with it and those around them are touched by it. This is my prayer for my life. That others know I have a grateful heart and that I want to share God's love with my brothers and sisters. He loves us all, all of His children. He loves killers, rapists, bombers, Grannys, girls, boys, teachers, stockbrokers, all of His children. None He created are unloved. I'm going to stop now because I'm both unsure if I'm making sense and I don't want to misrepresent or spoil the book if any of you'd like to read it. It is just a stunning piece of work.
Last Wednesday would have been Monica's 42 birthday. I was okay most of the day until I saw a beautiful, breathtaking piece of art created of her by our brother. The water works opened again.
I made and ate a pumpkin cheesecake because I'm told that is what she'd have liked for her b-day. The real interesting thing is that on the next day, Thanksgiving Day, I felt fine. I had spoken to everyone I loved and left many messages for others. So, while war was waging in here on the keyboard, I decided I'd watch Dances with Wolves, having never seen it. It's an old movie so, I'm not afraid of spoiling... when they murder Two Socks, I lost it. I cried so hard that it was painful. I could not stop. I think I wept for 30 minutes. Tim came and found me part way into the mess and held me. I just could not handle the meanness to the innocent. It crushed me. I know some of that sadness was leftover from the previous day. I also know that some of it is the fact that I am drawn to be near my loved ones during the holidays, and I am far away. I also know that no matter how much I understand why I am now needy, I will still grieve my loss of independence. And I do. I surely do.
I must go do something else now, as I can no longer feel my hands or feet from the cold. Circulation in them is poor, at best. Also, its lunchtime. Yay, more juice!!
Grateful for those who love me, really love ME, who I am, who I've been, who I will become. Grateful for the abundance of the situation in which I live. Food, shelter, water, heat, all of it. Truly grateful. Praying for lots more clear headed days so I can write in full sentences which complete my thoughts, instead of half-thoughts. I do enjoy this so.
Have lovely days! Decide to be happy.
Much has happened to me, emotionally at least, in the last several weeks. I have had some eureka moments which I hope stay with me, even when my fog is very dense. First, I really do think I am gluten intolerant. Also, intolerant of additives and preservatives. I have been on a juice diet for about 3 weeks, beginning the 4th now. It has helped me lose some more of the pounds I want to whittle away. I plan to stay on it until the New Year. I am eating some small solid foods, but trying to really just give my body nutrients it can use more immediately. I am down 20 pounds with only 10 to go by May of next year. That's within reach. I am not letting myself get too hungry, that's a sure fire migraine trigger. So, I'm enjoying that small accomplishment. It is especially successful since I have accomplished nearly all of it with nutrition change. I do some pilates a few days a week, but not enough to burn any significant calories. I'm not in the vigorous exercise category, but the sedentary one, unfortunately.
Second, my symptoms are still moderate, have not gotten severe again for more than a couple days at a time, even though the weather has been cold and wet for about a week. I don't know if the nutrition change has helped to keep things more balanced so pain isn't triggered, I have no idea why this spell of cold wet weather is treating me ok when some in the past haven't. I do know one thing, I have only left my home once in the past 4 days and stayed indoors only. Blessed with warmth and shelter.
A friend suggested a book to me which was fantastic. I listened to it but, I now want to read it also. It's called The Shack by William P. Young. It has given me a new and different perspective about my spiritual relationships and what I want my goals to be. It has pointed out to me once and for all that our human striving for independence (the thing that was stripped from me by this illness) is nearly on the same level as idol worship. It is not of God. In fact, the more we try to control whatever in our lives, the more we prove to Him that we don't trust and love Him in the way He wants. Independence from Him is wrong. We need to need Him in order for our hearts to open enough to let Him in. So, I now see that before I got sick, I did seek independence fiercely. I had been somewhat controlled by others for some years and I was then beginning to do MY thing. I had MY goals, MY plan and path. He simply wanted me on His path, to know His plan, in His time. So, for me to get there, it took stripping me of my independence LITERALLY. Now, I frequently need help. Physical, emotional, psychological, logistical, mental, all kinds possible. And I ask for it when I do. Or I try to, and I usually accomplish it. I am deep in the category of needy now. I need Him. I need others. This creates one other beauty, a grateful heart. When a heart is grateful, it cannot carry anger, resentment, bigotry, whatever is dark. Grateful hearts know God's love. They are filled with it and those around them are touched by it. This is my prayer for my life. That others know I have a grateful heart and that I want to share God's love with my brothers and sisters. He loves us all, all of His children. He loves killers, rapists, bombers, Grannys, girls, boys, teachers, stockbrokers, all of His children. None He created are unloved. I'm going to stop now because I'm both unsure if I'm making sense and I don't want to misrepresent or spoil the book if any of you'd like to read it. It is just a stunning piece of work.
Last Wednesday would have been Monica's 42 birthday. I was okay most of the day until I saw a beautiful, breathtaking piece of art created of her by our brother. The water works opened again.
I made and ate a pumpkin cheesecake because I'm told that is what she'd have liked for her b-day. The real interesting thing is that on the next day, Thanksgiving Day, I felt fine. I had spoken to everyone I loved and left many messages for others. So, while war was waging in here on the keyboard, I decided I'd watch Dances with Wolves, having never seen it. It's an old movie so, I'm not afraid of spoiling... when they murder Two Socks, I lost it. I cried so hard that it was painful. I could not stop. I think I wept for 30 minutes. Tim came and found me part way into the mess and held me. I just could not handle the meanness to the innocent. It crushed me. I know some of that sadness was leftover from the previous day. I also know that some of it is the fact that I am drawn to be near my loved ones during the holidays, and I am far away. I also know that no matter how much I understand why I am now needy, I will still grieve my loss of independence. And I do. I surely do.
I must go do something else now, as I can no longer feel my hands or feet from the cold. Circulation in them is poor, at best. Also, its lunchtime. Yay, more juice!!
Grateful for those who love me, really love ME, who I am, who I've been, who I will become. Grateful for the abundance of the situation in which I live. Food, shelter, water, heat, all of it. Truly grateful. Praying for lots more clear headed days so I can write in full sentences which complete my thoughts, instead of half-thoughts. I do enjoy this so.
Have lovely days! Decide to be happy.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Surprisingly Moderate
The weather has been rough here for a few days. In fact last night there was a tornado warning at 3 am for about 30 min or so. Weather like that usually creates a combo of symptoms that have me feeling, let's see how to put this, like I've dropped into a conscious coma and been set on fire. Yes, I think that does it. So, imagine my surprise and delight at my ability to walk around a bit and do a few chores in a row. I love moderation.
Bittersweet that the fall used to be my favorite season but now, it really is my most painful one. I haven't been out to pilates for 2 weeks. I hope to go tomorrow. We'll just see how today and tomorrow morning go.
I am still keeping my waking hours as full of pleasant things as I can, although, sometimes pleasant things have a third or fourth row seat to the show that is ME. And a few days ago I began selling some of my little creations on Etsy which does connect me to the world at large again. I so miss that connection. Last week one day I had to reach for my narcotic pain med 3 times, which I've never done in 10 years. I was actually only out of bed that day for about 30 minutes, in spurts. This week is better so far. I try hard not to need to reach for the hydrocodone and I usually succeed. I can go for many, many months and handle my pain in a way other than pharmaceutical. I used to see relying on the pain meds as a weakness, or a surrender if you will. Not anymore. Not at all for me to judge. If a person in pain cannot handle it, whether they have tried something else or not, let them have medicine. The time to talk and think about how to handle pain is not when you're IN the pain. It has to be when you're in a valley, not a peak. I have to plan to be in pain. I have to know what to do, how to think, how to treat myself, how to speak to people so they can understand me. It's a whole different version of me. But by the time I get to the peak of the mountain it's too late to expect me to be able to do anything except survive it and follow a rudimentary plan of action. Some folks might not know how to make a plan. Some may not realize that a strategy is even necessary or helpful. And I think they are the ones who do rely so heavily on narcotics. Further, I feel for them now. I feel a compassion that was not in me before. I used to think they took the easy way out. Really, they are taking the only way out. The only other way out is a permanent one that we need not address here, in this "joyful and thankful" post. lol.
My little support group of ladies is made up of 6 of us who all have my illness. All of us have some extra different disease dangling from the bracelet, if you will. One has rheumatoid arthritis, one has bipolar, it goes on and on. Anyway, we haven't been well enough to all meet for a month now and I miss them so. We meet on Mondays and the texts keep saying "can't get out of bed" or "have a migraine" or "unsafe to make the drive". A motley crew we are. But I told them yesterday that at least we now have each other to share those things with. Before them, I had few people I could just pick up my phone and talk to who would TRULY know what I was going through. Now, even though we aren't getting together, at least the Lord has put us all on a cross-path and we were able to meet.
Today I am thankful for the fact that I am ambulatory despite the crap weather and that my home did not become damaged in the tornado last night. Also, I've lost 19 out of the 30 pound goal I'm working on, so, thankful my efforts are paying off. Yay me!!
Bittersweet that the fall used to be my favorite season but now, it really is my most painful one. I haven't been out to pilates for 2 weeks. I hope to go tomorrow. We'll just see how today and tomorrow morning go.
I am still keeping my waking hours as full of pleasant things as I can, although, sometimes pleasant things have a third or fourth row seat to the show that is ME. And a few days ago I began selling some of my little creations on Etsy which does connect me to the world at large again. I so miss that connection. Last week one day I had to reach for my narcotic pain med 3 times, which I've never done in 10 years. I was actually only out of bed that day for about 30 minutes, in spurts. This week is better so far. I try hard not to need to reach for the hydrocodone and I usually succeed. I can go for many, many months and handle my pain in a way other than pharmaceutical. I used to see relying on the pain meds as a weakness, or a surrender if you will. Not anymore. Not at all for me to judge. If a person in pain cannot handle it, whether they have tried something else or not, let them have medicine. The time to talk and think about how to handle pain is not when you're IN the pain. It has to be when you're in a valley, not a peak. I have to plan to be in pain. I have to know what to do, how to think, how to treat myself, how to speak to people so they can understand me. It's a whole different version of me. But by the time I get to the peak of the mountain it's too late to expect me to be able to do anything except survive it and follow a rudimentary plan of action. Some folks might not know how to make a plan. Some may not realize that a strategy is even necessary or helpful. And I think they are the ones who do rely so heavily on narcotics. Further, I feel for them now. I feel a compassion that was not in me before. I used to think they took the easy way out. Really, they are taking the only way out. The only other way out is a permanent one that we need not address here, in this "joyful and thankful" post. lol.
My little support group of ladies is made up of 6 of us who all have my illness. All of us have some extra different disease dangling from the bracelet, if you will. One has rheumatoid arthritis, one has bipolar, it goes on and on. Anyway, we haven't been well enough to all meet for a month now and I miss them so. We meet on Mondays and the texts keep saying "can't get out of bed" or "have a migraine" or "unsafe to make the drive". A motley crew we are. But I told them yesterday that at least we now have each other to share those things with. Before them, I had few people I could just pick up my phone and talk to who would TRULY know what I was going through. Now, even though we aren't getting together, at least the Lord has put us all on a cross-path and we were able to meet.
Today I am thankful for the fact that I am ambulatory despite the crap weather and that my home did not become damaged in the tornado last night. Also, I've lost 19 out of the 30 pound goal I'm working on, so, thankful my efforts are paying off. Yay me!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
National Black Cat Day
I hope I write sometimes when I feel really fantastic. I don't go backwards and read my previous posts. I'm sure I don't blog like some others do where they're promoting something or telling a story. I just write how I feel or what new thing helped or hurt, etc. and maybe to me it seems like it's mostly on the negative feeling days that I am compelled to write. I guess that's the cathartic part, the therapeutic part of it for me. I need to go out and get some sunshine. And it is a beautiful day here. There's not any reason for me not to be happy. But, I feel empty. Not unhappy, just empty. I shouldn't but, I do so I will accept it. I am cooking something I really love, a squash pie. And I'm finishing my laundry without undue pain. Also going to work on my little crafty creations later, which feels sometimes like such a waste of time and money. Who cares about those little pendants or the crocheted muffs? What does it matter if I make them or not? Yes, my house will feel more appealing if there's not clean laundry strewn across my living room but, so what? What am I left with? Squash pie. And in the midst of all this "who cares?" feeling is the "holy cow you ungrateful *****" that I'm not thankful enough for it all. How can I possibly have a day like this in all the blessings on my list? But I am, and I do. So there it is.
Oscar is trying his very best to lure me outside to play. So, I will now be thankful for him and take him up on it. Having faith that at least it might help.
Grateful for the fundamentals. My shelter, my abundant food, clean water, indoor plumbing, electricity, peaceful and happy marriage.
Someone have a happy day. Mine is at risk.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Oh, How I Hate That Dream
I had it again. The dream, or nightmare rather, that I loathe. Writing it here again, hoping to chase it out of my subconscious. I know why I had it. Yesterday morning was easy. Walked the dog, did laundry, other chores, played with my clay, listened to music, all until the driver picked me up at noon to go for my brain MRI. That ruined me. Not the MRI. The drive down. He took the roads in such a way that my body was literally shaken badly enough that by the time we got there, I could barely stand, and I didn't have my chair, only my cane. Just the manner in which he drove brought every symptom on and turned them to MAX.
As before in the dream, the person after me is someone I've loved all my life. Someone I still love now, someone in my family of origin. I'll use the pronoun he for the sake of writing but, I never want to disclose who it is for fear of hurting this beloved person.
He controls me. He makes sure I go nowhere without him. He has told everyone, everywhere we go that he plans to kill me in a very surprising and painful way. We went to a club type event and they all knew what he was planning and no one would help me or hide me or defend me. They all just left me to be terrified of what would come. I was trying to convince them that I'd done nothing wrong to him, I didn't deserve it, but he had their ear. I pleaded with everyone to help to no avail. I tried to hide and was found again and again. He laughed in my face at my figuring out I was in his grasp. He put me in a car and told me to leave knowing I didn't know where I was so, I'd inevitably end up returning to the spot He was in waiting for me. There was no escaping him and he enjoyed every second of it.
He represents my illness, according to my therapist. That rings true for me. When symptoms are at MAX like they were yesterday, it does control me. A better way to say it is that it limits me but, really limiting is controlling, one just sounds a bit lest negative than the other. It is always waiting for me, no matter where I go, it is with me, taunting, telling me there is no escaping it. Just when I am enjoying some freedom from it, like yesterday morning, it comes in and warns me of my painful imminent death at its hands. Reminds me that I am the prey and it is the predator and it will never stop until it succeeds. I understand that my illness is not known to be terminal or even degenerative. I do. I also understand that my quality of life in general now is far higher than when I first got sick 10 years ago. I try hard to mitigate what I live with and how I live. But, quite a lot of how I feel is outside of my control. For instance, the driver yesterday, unbeknownst to him, brought on every symptom I can have. From severe pain to migraine to fatigue to depression, All in one 20 minute ride. And after, I could hardly even stand up. I had to be helped to walk to the MRI appointment.
Further, this morning I had to get straight out of bed and into my wheelchair. Something I've not had to do for quite a few months. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm sad.
I'm going to dress and eat and go to my pilates class at 9:30 when another driver will come to fetch me. Despite wanting very much not to leave the comfort of my home, I'm going. It has helped before, helped very much. So, I am just going to hope for the best and trust that Christ is with me. Frankly it couldn't be worse than yesterday's spectacle unless I lose consciousness.
This morning, I have gratitude for this computer and the fact that I can type these thoughts. You see, it isn't very hard at all for me to tell the story on the keyboard. But, if I tried to tell the story verbally, you'd hear a quite different description. My brain blocks so much of my vocabulary from my mouth that I end up sounding like I never went to school in my life, let alone college. But, somehow, I can make sense of my thoughts still, and am able to use this cathartic way to get them out of my head. So, today, if you can have an easy conversation with someone, be thankful for it. Some of us can't.
As before in the dream, the person after me is someone I've loved all my life. Someone I still love now, someone in my family of origin. I'll use the pronoun he for the sake of writing but, I never want to disclose who it is for fear of hurting this beloved person.
He controls me. He makes sure I go nowhere without him. He has told everyone, everywhere we go that he plans to kill me in a very surprising and painful way. We went to a club type event and they all knew what he was planning and no one would help me or hide me or defend me. They all just left me to be terrified of what would come. I was trying to convince them that I'd done nothing wrong to him, I didn't deserve it, but he had their ear. I pleaded with everyone to help to no avail. I tried to hide and was found again and again. He laughed in my face at my figuring out I was in his grasp. He put me in a car and told me to leave knowing I didn't know where I was so, I'd inevitably end up returning to the spot He was in waiting for me. There was no escaping him and he enjoyed every second of it.
He represents my illness, according to my therapist. That rings true for me. When symptoms are at MAX like they were yesterday, it does control me. A better way to say it is that it limits me but, really limiting is controlling, one just sounds a bit lest negative than the other. It is always waiting for me, no matter where I go, it is with me, taunting, telling me there is no escaping it. Just when I am enjoying some freedom from it, like yesterday morning, it comes in and warns me of my painful imminent death at its hands. Reminds me that I am the prey and it is the predator and it will never stop until it succeeds. I understand that my illness is not known to be terminal or even degenerative. I do. I also understand that my quality of life in general now is far higher than when I first got sick 10 years ago. I try hard to mitigate what I live with and how I live. But, quite a lot of how I feel is outside of my control. For instance, the driver yesterday, unbeknownst to him, brought on every symptom I can have. From severe pain to migraine to fatigue to depression, All in one 20 minute ride. And after, I could hardly even stand up. I had to be helped to walk to the MRI appointment.
Further, this morning I had to get straight out of bed and into my wheelchair. Something I've not had to do for quite a few months. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm sad.
I'm going to dress and eat and go to my pilates class at 9:30 when another driver will come to fetch me. Despite wanting very much not to leave the comfort of my home, I'm going. It has helped before, helped very much. So, I am just going to hope for the best and trust that Christ is with me. Frankly it couldn't be worse than yesterday's spectacle unless I lose consciousness.
This morning, I have gratitude for this computer and the fact that I can type these thoughts. You see, it isn't very hard at all for me to tell the story on the keyboard. But, if I tried to tell the story verbally, you'd hear a quite different description. My brain blocks so much of my vocabulary from my mouth that I end up sounding like I never went to school in my life, let alone college. But, somehow, I can make sense of my thoughts still, and am able to use this cathartic way to get them out of my head. So, today, if you can have an easy conversation with someone, be thankful for it. Some of us can't.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
In ALL Things Give Thanks
I am going to be consciously thankful for my fibromyalgia. There are times when I have been thankful for some aspects of it before, but not always, and not as it unfolds, symptom by symptom. I am going to CHOOSE to see it as a BLESSING in my life for which I was picked. After all, there is absolutely no reason why this fact would be wrong. Yesterday's passage in Jesus Saves spoke of His sovereignty and love. It referred to why we imagine that He lets cruelty happen in our world, and the finite nature of our minds. It is simply not for us to understand. To spend time trying is to waste the glorious life He has given us. So, I am making a choice today. I don't know that I will be able to stick to this mindset when severe symptoms clobber me but, I am able to commit right now, this morning. So, I will give it a practice run and see how it fits. I would like it to fit snugly but not tightly.
Reasons why my debilitating illness is a BLESSING:
1. Hopefully, others will experience in me a presence of Christ's love. Ideally, they may see that as an example.
2. I provide a genuine reason for strangers, friends, family to demonstrate generosity and kindness.
3. I am provided a glimpse at those who are hardened by the world and do not care for humanity or the suffering of others, thus giving me an opportunity to pray for them specifically.
4. I can live in a purposeful way. I can choose what to do, and when (within my limits, of course. I cannot go rock-climbing, lol.). I am not required to go through busy motions, filling my mind and soul with pollution.
5. I try to live happily and joyfully whenever I'm able. The result is that in my home, a man, a dog and a cat are all happy and content. Thus, if I pass before the animals or my spouse, there is a greater chance that they will be able to continue to spread the happiness that I hope I have planted. (I do not presume to take full credit for anyone's happiness but my own, but I do know that I have created an environment of love in this home.)
6. I give others an opportunity to thank God for their good fortune and good health.
7. I open discussions between children and parents about folks who have different health needs.
8. I am funnier than I was before. I take everything less seriously. I laugh more.
9. I've been given an opportunity to get to know both my parents in their retirement years, and they are not only loving and supportive of me, they are healthy themselves. Many do not get such an opportunity and I do not take it for granted.
10. I no longer dwell at all on the future or what it may bring. I am in full awareness that I do not now, nor have I ever had a crystal ball and to pretend I do is an insult to my Savior. His will will be done. Not mine.
11. I can observe Him everywhere. In all creation. In every flower.
12. I have truly learned once and for all that fear is the absence of God. Nothing more or less. It is a creation of darkness and I will have no part in it. (Not to say that some of those ice-pick stabbing pains don't alarm me sometimes, they do. But, I am only very temporarily shaken.)
I've gone through my one allotted cup of coffee now so, I will go and get on with my day. The bus comes for me in 90 min and I want to be just a bit more productive before that.
I will try to not strive for the independence my humanity craves, but instead go to Him when I am in need. He said He will never abandon me. Time for me to prove I believe it.
May you all have happy, happy days!!
Friday, September 25, 2015
Balance
It has been a while since I've updated, it was nice to be missed (my lovely SIL). I have worked through some of my grief. I don't feel sad at all most days. I was quite disappointed when we came home from a trip to the mountains, (my favorite!!!) that I had altitude sickness while I was there. But, it was pointed out to me by a friend that I still had a great time and got to do such fun activities, and was in general blessed to have the opportunity. So, I promptly got over myself.
It's interesting that we find a way to want things to be the way WE want them to be, not how they should be or how HE will have them be, as if we have any power. You'd think with faith would come a comfortable relinquishing of desire to control, but it doesn't. We want what we want, when we want it. Most of us do, anyway. I am guilty. Have humans always been like this? And those who "go with the flow", "let go, and let God" are sometimes judged as inactive or unproductive or surrendered. Really though, they have got it right. Maybe one day I will be able to stop trying to be in control.
Anyway, I've been lucky to have stumbled upon a little support group. A small gathering of ladies, all who have fibromyalgia get together at a local coffeehouse. It is so meaningful to have them to chat with, and have their names and numbers so that I can keep up with them during the week. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who knows what you are experiencing. I'm especially grateful for the group leader /coordinator who drives me there and home. So much about my life causes me to feel outside the normal boundaries of social gatherings, but this group brings me back to what I know is factual, that I am a normal woman, responding as best I can to a can of crap, which I'd much rather put back on the shelf. It is a blessing.
I am also actively asking Christ to be with me in my home during the day. I used to fill the silence here with noise. I thought it made me less lonely if TV was on. It didn't really matter much what channel, as long as it wasn't high drama or news. Too stressful on both those counts. But, I'd keep a DIY show, or a cupcake war, or buying a house in Alaska, just whatever so that I was there and not here. The change happened when we dropped our cable. Now television is not as easily available, not as much anyhow. And frankly, I do know how to turn it on and find shows, but, I just don't. When Tim comes home, then we turn it on after a while. But, I have begun really listening to music I love again, and singing again. I even thought about getting my guitar out. I didn't get so far as to do it, mind you, but I did consider it. And, I listen to some audiobooks sometimes. But, and this is the new thing, I live in the quiet because I want to hear Him speaking to me. I feel like there is something for me to know or learn or do but I don't know what. So, I spend some of my time every day just quiet. It was a challenge initially, there was a noise withdrawal issue. But now, I cherish it.
I live in such abundance. In a country of abundance. In a time of abundance. I am so grateful for it because it allows me to be physically, mentally, and emotionally comfortable. I see living conditions in other parts of the world and I wonder if I'd even manage to survive there because the environment is so harsh and I've got such a small window of acceptable requirements. I hear about or read about folks who are emotionally unstable or impoverished and I am grateful that I feel compassion for others in my heart. I pray for those who lack the ability to think clearly for themselves, hoping they have trustworthy caregivers in their lives. I have felt profound confusion which is not the same as mental handicap, but it is my measure of comparison.
It feels like life this week is starting to find a balance again. Fatigue was my worst symptom this week. Twice I slept 12+ hours a night, and took naps on those days. Trying to go with the flow. Wanting to get a few things done but, also not putting undue pressure on myself to perform activities. Endeavoring to be the Marie He wants me to be.
Thankful that I live in an age that spreads my words to someone who might benefit from them. Thankful also that I was raised to give a damn, and that I know how to say so.
Have happy happy days!
It's interesting that we find a way to want things to be the way WE want them to be, not how they should be or how HE will have them be, as if we have any power. You'd think with faith would come a comfortable relinquishing of desire to control, but it doesn't. We want what we want, when we want it. Most of us do, anyway. I am guilty. Have humans always been like this? And those who "go with the flow", "let go, and let God" are sometimes judged as inactive or unproductive or surrendered. Really though, they have got it right. Maybe one day I will be able to stop trying to be in control.
Anyway, I've been lucky to have stumbled upon a little support group. A small gathering of ladies, all who have fibromyalgia get together at a local coffeehouse. It is so meaningful to have them to chat with, and have their names and numbers so that I can keep up with them during the week. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who knows what you are experiencing. I'm especially grateful for the group leader /coordinator who drives me there and home. So much about my life causes me to feel outside the normal boundaries of social gatherings, but this group brings me back to what I know is factual, that I am a normal woman, responding as best I can to a can of crap, which I'd much rather put back on the shelf. It is a blessing.
I am also actively asking Christ to be with me in my home during the day. I used to fill the silence here with noise. I thought it made me less lonely if TV was on. It didn't really matter much what channel, as long as it wasn't high drama or news. Too stressful on both those counts. But, I'd keep a DIY show, or a cupcake war, or buying a house in Alaska, just whatever so that I was there and not here. The change happened when we dropped our cable. Now television is not as easily available, not as much anyhow. And frankly, I do know how to turn it on and find shows, but, I just don't. When Tim comes home, then we turn it on after a while. But, I have begun really listening to music I love again, and singing again. I even thought about getting my guitar out. I didn't get so far as to do it, mind you, but I did consider it. And, I listen to some audiobooks sometimes. But, and this is the new thing, I live in the quiet because I want to hear Him speaking to me. I feel like there is something for me to know or learn or do but I don't know what. So, I spend some of my time every day just quiet. It was a challenge initially, there was a noise withdrawal issue. But now, I cherish it.
I live in such abundance. In a country of abundance. In a time of abundance. I am so grateful for it because it allows me to be physically, mentally, and emotionally comfortable. I see living conditions in other parts of the world and I wonder if I'd even manage to survive there because the environment is so harsh and I've got such a small window of acceptable requirements. I hear about or read about folks who are emotionally unstable or impoverished and I am grateful that I feel compassion for others in my heart. I pray for those who lack the ability to think clearly for themselves, hoping they have trustworthy caregivers in their lives. I have felt profound confusion which is not the same as mental handicap, but it is my measure of comparison.
It feels like life this week is starting to find a balance again. Fatigue was my worst symptom this week. Twice I slept 12+ hours a night, and took naps on those days. Trying to go with the flow. Wanting to get a few things done but, also not putting undue pressure on myself to perform activities. Endeavoring to be the Marie He wants me to be.
Thankful that I live in an age that spreads my words to someone who might benefit from them. Thankful also that I was raised to give a damn, and that I know how to say so.
Have happy happy days!
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