Nov 30 Catch-Up

It has been a long time since I have felt clear-headed enough when the computer was also free for me to write.  (There's some kind of war going on lately whereby my husbands goblin gang roam around looking for treasure, slaying all those in the way....and I guess battles need to be tended to rather immediately...)

Much has happened to me, emotionally at least, in the last several weeks.  I have had some eureka moments which I hope stay with me, even when my fog is very dense.  First, I really do think I am gluten intolerant.  Also, intolerant of additives and preservatives.  I have been on a juice diet for about 3 weeks, beginning the 4th now.  It has helped me lose some more of the pounds I want to whittle away.  I plan to stay on it until the New Year.  I am eating some small solid foods, but trying to really just give my body nutrients it can use more immediately. I am down 20 pounds with only 10 to go by May of next year.  That's within reach.  I am not letting myself get too hungry, that's a sure fire migraine trigger.  So, I'm enjoying that small accomplishment.  It is especially successful since I have accomplished nearly all of it with nutrition change.  I do some pilates a few days a week, but not enough to burn any significant calories.  I'm not in the vigorous exercise category, but the sedentary one, unfortunately.

Second, my symptoms are still moderate, have not gotten severe again for more than a couple days at a time, even though the weather has been cold and wet for about a week.  I don't know if the nutrition change has helped to keep things more balanced so pain isn't triggered, I have no idea why this spell of cold wet weather is treating me ok when some in the past haven't.  I do know one thing, I have only left my home once in the past 4 days and stayed indoors only.  Blessed with warmth and shelter.

A friend suggested a book to me which was fantastic.  I listened to it but, I now want to read it also. It's called The Shack by William P. Young.  It has given me a new and different perspective about my spiritual relationships and what I want my goals to be.  It has pointed out to me once and for all that our human striving for independence (the thing that was stripped from me by this illness) is nearly on the same level as idol worship.  It is not of God.  In fact, the more we try to control whatever in our lives, the more we prove to Him that we don't trust and love Him in the way He wants.  Independence from Him is wrong.  We need to need Him in order for our hearts to open enough to let Him in.  So, I now see that before I got sick, I did seek independence fiercely.  I had been somewhat controlled by others for some years and I was then beginning to do MY thing.  I had MY goals, MY plan and path.  He simply wanted me on His path, to know His plan, in His time.  So, for me to get there, it took stripping me of my independence LITERALLY.  Now, I frequently need help.  Physical, emotional, psychological, logistical, mental, all kinds possible.  And I ask for it when I do.  Or I try to, and I usually accomplish it.  I am deep in the category of needy now.  I need Him.  I need others.  This creates one other beauty, a grateful heart.  When a heart is grateful, it cannot carry anger, resentment, bigotry, whatever is dark.  Grateful hearts know God's love.  They are filled with it and those around them are touched by it.  This is my prayer for my life.  That others know I have a grateful heart and that I want to share God's love with my brothers and sisters.  He loves us all, all of His children.  He loves killers, rapists, bombers, Grannys, girls, boys, teachers, stockbrokers, all of His children.  None He created are unloved.  I'm going to stop now because I'm both unsure if I'm making sense and I don't want to misrepresent or spoil the book if any of you'd like to read it.  It is just a stunning piece of work.

Last Wednesday would have been Monica's 42 birthday.  I was okay most of the day until I saw a beautiful, breathtaking piece of art created of her by our brother.  The water works opened again.
I made and ate a pumpkin cheesecake because I'm told that is what she'd have liked for her b-day.  The real interesting thing is that on the next day, Thanksgiving Day, I felt fine.  I had spoken to everyone I loved and left many messages for others.  So, while war was waging in here on the keyboard, I decided I'd watch Dances with Wolves, having never seen it.  It's an old movie so, I'm not afraid of spoiling... when they murder Two Socks, I lost it.  I cried so hard that it was painful.  I could not stop.  I think I wept for 30 minutes.  Tim came and found me part way into the mess and held me.  I just could not handle the meanness to the innocent.  It crushed me.  I know some of that sadness was leftover from the previous day.  I also know that some of it is the fact that I am drawn to be near my loved ones during the holidays, and I am far away.  I also know that no matter how much I understand why I am now needy, I will still grieve my loss of independence.  And I do.  I surely do.

I must go do something else now, as I can no longer feel my hands or feet from the cold.  Circulation in them is poor, at best.  Also, its lunchtime.  Yay, more juice!!

Grateful for those who love me, really love ME, who I am, who I've been, who I will become.  Grateful for the abundance of the situation in which I live.  Food, shelter, water, heat, all of it.  Truly grateful.  Praying for lots more clear headed days so I can write in full sentences which complete my thoughts, instead of half-thoughts.  I do enjoy this so.

Have lovely days!  Decide to be happy.