Balance

It has been a while since I've updated, it was nice to be missed (my lovely SIL).    I have worked through some of my grief.  I don't feel sad at all most days.  I was quite disappointed when we came home from a trip to the mountains, (my favorite!!!) that I had altitude sickness while I was there.  But, it was pointed out to me by a friend that I still had a great time and got to do such fun activities, and was in general blessed to have the opportunity.  So, I promptly got over myself.

It's interesting that we find a way to want things to be the way WE want them to be, not how they should be or how HE will have them be, as if we have any power.  You'd think with faith would come a comfortable relinquishing of desire to control, but it doesn't.  We want what we want, when we want it.  Most of us do, anyway.  I am guilty.  Have humans always been like this?  And those who "go with the flow", "let go, and let God" are sometimes judged as inactive or unproductive or surrendered.  Really though, they have got it right.  Maybe one day I will be able to stop trying to be in control.

Anyway, I've been lucky to have stumbled upon a little support group.  A small gathering of ladies, all who have fibromyalgia get together at a local coffeehouse.  It is so meaningful to have them to chat with, and have their names and numbers so that I can keep up with them during the week. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone who knows what you are experiencing.  I'm especially grateful for the group leader /coordinator who drives me there and home.  So much about my life causes me to feel outside the normal boundaries of social gatherings, but this group brings me back to what I know is factual, that I am a normal woman, responding as best I can to a can of crap, which I'd much rather put back on the shelf.  It is a blessing.

I am also actively asking Christ to be with me in my home during the day.  I used to fill the silence here with noise.  I thought it made me less lonely if TV was on.  It didn't really matter much what channel, as long as it wasn't high drama or news.  Too stressful on both those counts.  But, I'd keep a DIY show, or a cupcake war, or buying a house in Alaska, just whatever so that I was there and not here.  The change happened when we dropped our cable.  Now television is not as easily available, not as much anyhow.  And frankly, I do know how to turn it on and find shows, but, I just don't.  When Tim comes home, then we turn it on after a while.  But, I have begun really listening to music I love again, and singing again.  I even thought about getting my guitar out.  I didn't get so far as to do it, mind you, but I did consider it.  And, I listen to some audiobooks sometimes.  But, and this is the new thing, I live in the quiet because I want to hear Him speaking to me.  I feel like there is something for me to know or learn or do but I don't know what.  So, I spend some of my time every day just quiet.  It was a challenge initially, there was a noise withdrawal issue.  But now, I cherish it.

I live in such abundance.  In a country of abundance.  In a time of abundance.  I am so grateful for it because it allows me to be physically, mentally, and emotionally comfortable.  I see living conditions in other parts of the world and I wonder if I'd even manage to survive there because the environment is so harsh and I've got such a small window of acceptable requirements.  I hear about or read about folks who are emotionally unstable or impoverished and I am grateful that I feel compassion for others in my heart.  I pray for those who lack the ability to think clearly for themselves, hoping they have trustworthy caregivers in their lives.  I have felt profound confusion which is not the same as mental handicap, but it is my measure of comparison.

It feels like life this week is starting to find a balance again.  Fatigue was my worst symptom this week.  Twice I slept 12+ hours a night, and took naps on those days.  Trying to go with the flow.  Wanting to get a few things done but, also not putting undue pressure on myself to perform activities.  Endeavoring to be the Marie He wants me to be.

Thankful that I live in an age that spreads my words to someone who might benefit from them. Thankful also that I was raised to give a damn, and that I know how to say so.

Have happy happy days!