6/6/2007

We are about to leave on a car trip to Indiana.  Wed- Sun.  I hope we have a good time there.  It will be nice just to have a change of scenery for me for a few days.  Evy is staying at the house.  I hope shes not too lonely.  We've never left her alone before.

Jun 4, 2007

Today makes 17 straight consecutive days that I've not had to sit in a wheelchair.  Remarkable.  I am so pleased.  My hands hurt and other parts some too but, I kinda expected it.  I threw out my amitriptyline this morning.  did not sleep well.  Had to leave the room upon snoring noises.

We got up and tackled painting the last bedroom wall this morning.  It looks nice.  I am anxious to get the drapes back up and the room put together.

I am trying hard to keep my head positive and I know its important to live in this moment not dwell on past moments or future ones.  That will take some practice though.

6/1/07

Had a good visit with my PCP.  She seemed kind.  She was willing to give ma all my prescriptions.  She agreed to manage upping my Zoloft to 150 from 100 and said that if I'm not feeling better in 3 months that she would be willing to up it again.  She gave me the Lunesta I needed to sleep.  I also upped the Amitriptyline to 20 mg at night which made me drowsy so it was easier to fall asleep without a Lunesta.

This morning I stained the deck stairs that we rebuilt.  It felt so good to actually do something productive.  I think we're going to start laying pavers this weekend.

Got an email from Kim that she is not doing well.  I am going to pray for her more.  She really was good to me and it is not her fault that I couldn't do a good enough job for her.

I've made an appt to have craniosacral therapy in 2 weeks.  The lady is doing the first one for me at half price so I can see if it is helpful.  She said that any negative trauma - both physical and emotional get stored in the body as energy.  If that energy gets bound up, it can cause huge problems.  So, as I have nothing to lose and I've had more than my share of negative stuff, it could help.  I'm gonna do it after we get back from Indiana.  I think I'll be in extra pain by then.

We're going to Indiana on Wednesday.  I'll probably have to take Lunesta in the car.  I don't think I can face it awake.  Should take 5-6 hours

Tonight is pizza night.  I'm glad its the weekend.

5/31/2007

Saw Dr. Kroop yesterday.  Will never go back to her again.  She seemed unwilling more than unable to help me.  Said only that I should see a psychiatrist to get the depression treated.  I asked her "if I was someone you cared about, your friend or your sister - where would you have me go?"  she said the psychiatrist.  What a waste of $30.00  She said that she & I differ on our concerns to find out whats wrong.  I want to find out why this has happened _ I want to KNOW whats wrong with me.  She is done looking for whats wrong and says it doesn't really matter if the symptoms go away.  She wants to control the pain only and says if it goes away then I have nothing to worry about.  I want some doctor to be interested enough and curious enough that when they don't know whats wrong - they extend themselves to help find out.  I was so angry in the visit that I know I raised the tone of my voice.  She is notorious for interrupting but I did not let that happen, in fact I very much controlled the conversation.  She said again " I know this is frustrating".  I felt like saying "why would you even bother to say that to me.  You cannot know the frustration I experience.  It is not helpful for you to say that to me and its ingenuine".  But instead I just smirked at her.  She said "should we just leave the follow-up open?"  I said "why would I come back to you?"  She said "if something changes or if I need someone to talk to...." what a laugh.

Today, I go to a new PCP.  I hope it goes better.  I pray that she is at least willing to embrace me and my problems.  I would like her to increase the Zoloft.  I don't want to have to go to a psychiatrist for that.  I also hope she gives me the Lunesta prescription that I need.  Rozerem did not work.  Some nights I need it.
I'd like to get a haircut today.  I feel like a ragamuffin.

We ho to Stan's house in IN next week.  Driving there.  Maybe I'll take a sleeping pill when we leave.

I hurt so much today that I'm nervous about driving but I'm going to anyway.  Its not far.

Yesterday my arm/shoulder/hand hurt so bad that I could not even grip anything with my left hand.

The phone/cable/Internet doesn't work this morning.  Cell phone only.

I am trying not to feel down.  Didn;t get to read to the little ones the other day.

Maybe I need to pray more.  Whay is this happening to me?  Am I being punished for something?

5/25/2007

I have wanted to go out every morning this week but have been unable because of too much pain.  Today Tim is taking a 1/2 day and we're going to a movie this afternoon.  I hope I'm up to it.  I'm really looking forward to it.  We haven't done anything like that in months.  Rarely even have lunch out anymore.  I have had to take a nap at noon every day this week.

We're going to have a patio poured where our pool used to be.  Put patio furniture out there.  I'm excited for it.  A place so I can be outside and comfy and enjoy myself.

Evy has been not eating her wet food lately and has been puking up a lot of hairballs.  I feel bad for her.
  
Its been really hot here lately.

I get a headache almost every day.

Last nights bath really helped.  I was in agony.  didn't make the bath too hot.  Also did some yoga stretches in it.  But, the good effect is very temporary.  Ten minutes after being out - loads of pain again.  Have had to take a sleeping pill every night this week.

It's 8:30 a.m. and I feel like I need to go back to bed.  Don't want to though.

5/15/2007

I am trying really hard to do things to keep myself lifted up.  Try to help beat this depression on my own a bit.  Called to see if I can hang my photos in the coffeeshop again.  Left a message.  I had to really pep talk myself into it, too.  Lack of confidence.  But I did it.

The Dr. appt basically revealed that most of my cognitive functioning is about normal except for anything that required speed - which I did very poorly on.  Dr. Tramontana said that my concentration is being interrupted with and that makes things slow.  Also, he said that my depression is more significant than I am being treated for.  Suggested I see a psychiatrist who would increase the dose.  So, I am trying really hard to do things on my own to fight the depression.  Made some new recipes.  Took the small digital camera out of the drawer but, I haven't taken a picture yet.  I am waiting for inspiration I guess but, I think I will probably be waiting for a long time.  So maybe I just will have to do it even though I'm uninspired.

I moved Louie out of the guest room and in the living room on the mantle.  Evy doesn't bother him there and its nice to watch him.

We rearranged the TV and the chair so I can sit by the window and read.  The room seems much bigger.

5/08/07

Yesterday was miserable, all day.  I got depressed too.  I had to take 2 naps and still went to bed and took Lunesta at 6:45pm.  We had cereal for dinner.  I was in such pain.  I couldn't even hardly talk.  I couldn't think of anything to say - and when I did speak - it sounded so weak and small.  Like a sick child.

Today is better.  Its 9:30 a.m. and I went shopping this morning.  I just felt like I needed to do something, to be in the world somehow after yesterday.  It was fine.

I have a Dr. appt tomorrow.  I actually don't even really have hope that it will be telling.  I'm just gonna go and listen.  I'm running really low on hope.  I feel a little down.

Mom called twice yesterday and left messages.  I called her back and told her not to worry, that I'd talk to her today.  I just couldn't even talk.

Sent out mothers day cards today.  Couldn't write notes.  Just Love, Marie