4/30/07

My new niece will be born tomorrow.  Calin Marie Coates by cesarean.  I'm anxious to hear that everyone gets through it with health.

I had a horrible day yesterday.  I sat outside on the deck and read for a bit while  Tim fixed the pool water and mowed the lawn.  I was in such pain.  Finally, I took a bath and used the jets.  It relieved the pain while I was in the tub and for exactly 15 minutes after I got out.  Then it all came back.

We were watching Harry Potter and I got a little weepy.  I find that I actually cry very little.  But I yearn to cry often, I just can't or don't for some reason.  The frustration and helplessness and pure sadness of my situation just builds to be too much.  sometimes I feel like I absolutely don't know how I'm coping.  I'm sure its just because I live only one day at a time.

4/28/07

Yesterday  was pretty  good , I guess.  In the evening, I was not in great pain before bed like usual.  I wonder if the Amytriptaline might be helping or if I'm just on an upswing.

I got up this a.m. and went into Tim's bed to snuggle with him.  I miss waking up with him so much. I just can't tolerate even the slightest noise.

We ran our errands in an hour this morning.  I'd like to see a movie today.

I'm making salmon and risotto tonight.  Both new recipes.  I'm excited  I really do like cooking.

It's a beautiful day, 64 degrees.

Have replaced sleeping pills with Sleepytime Extra tea with Valerian root in it.  Yay!

4/26/07

Life is a bit boring and empty feeling for me.  Since I don't work anymore, I sometimes struggle wit finding something to do to occupy myself.  I can't really commit to working - not that there have been any offers- because I just really have no idea when I'll be able to perform or for how long.  It does feel like some element of stress has been removed that I don't have the work to worry about.  I cook and clean and try to make sure I do enough not to feel like I'm a freeloader.

My mood feels more stable recently.  Not terribly up or down - just regular.

What really disturbs me lately is that when pain gets very bad, I feel like my brain shuts down and I can't think.  I have a hard time communicating and remembering things.  It makes me feel so helpless.  I actually become helpless because between the physical and mental - I have no course by which to defend myself if I needed to.  It so scares me because there have been so many times in my life when I needed to call upon both/either my physical or mental strength to get me by.

My health seems to be about the same.  Some good days followed by some not good ones.  I underwent neuropsychological evaluation last week and will get the results in a week or so.  Tested my cognitive ability.  Dr. K says sometimes they can tell where pain is coming from by those tests.  Don't know if I'm supposed to follow up with her too or not.  She did want me to try Amytriptaline again so I've been on it for 5 days.  No significant side effects.  No benefits yet either.  Need to give it a month or two.  Tried it last year, I think.  Its impossible to remember if it helped or not and there are no notes I can find.

My favorite daytime show is the Gilmore Girls.  Wonder what that says about me!

Walked for 45 min this a.m. and burned 120 calories.

2/27/07

Today, I feel so good.  For the 2nd day in a row.  Its 2 pm and no pain to speak of yet.  Yesterday I did not even need to use my cane all day.  No serious pain until just before bed at 8pm.  I even walked - at a quick pace - around the block with Tim when he came home from work.  And I wasn't spent when it was over.

I don't know whether I'm just having good days as a coincidence or whether they are related to the juice fast I'm on.  Today is the 4th day of drinking fresh juice only and a banana each day and a few raisins.  Maybe I really am cleansing something out of me.  Or maybe I was reacting to a food or a preservative that was not tested for.  All I know is that I have not picked up my cane today.  I spent an hour in the yard pruning bushes in the sunshine.  I walked freely to the mailbox.  I have not sat in my wheelchair since Saturday - 3 days.  It is so nice.  Even if it does not last, I am truly enjoying it.

Today is like spring.  60 degrees.  Beautiful.

I sent out several more resumes today.  Hopefully something will happen soon.

2/23/07

It was good to have my folks visit.

K fired me.  I feel only mildly disappointed about it because I think I saw it coming.  She had been putting snide remarks on my reports for several weeks and then she assigned me a difficult stat job.  I think she feels guilty about letting me go and she was waiting it out and setting it up.

I already tested the very next day for another company.  I'm just a bit bored now.

The weather is much better.  50's - 60's instead of 20's-30's.  I'm in less pain in general.

I haired an advocate service to help me with my SSI disability appeal.  My caseworker is coming to meet me next Friday.  Vicki, she sounds nice and is anxious to meet me and help me.

I think I'm going to try juice fasting for a bit and then reintroduce foods into my diet.  I don't know what else to do.

I've gone down to 3/4 of my Topomax - hopefully then to 1/2 of it.  The cost of crazy.

Yesterday the oven caught fire but I put it out.  I did good but it really scared me.

I'm still exercising.

2/2/2007

Yesterday, I went overboard on a walk around the block and then I really suffered the whole rest of the day.  I should have not pushed it.  I had to go to bed at 7 pm and I could only stay awake barely long enough to say my prayers.  Slept well until 4 am.  Been up since then.  Did a little work this morning.  I'm not very good at my job as I used to be when I was doing it every day.  I have lost some of my "ear".  I made some mistakes last week on a report that I probably shouldn't have.  I want to take only easy docs now - no Gelzer Bell - no Zalhman Kahn.

Got a call back from Dr. Kaminski today.  He thinks there is not a problem with my neurological system.  Agrees with Dr. Duncan that it is not Central Pain Syndrome.  Said there's nothing wrong with my brain or spine.  I don't exhibit the patterns of CPS.  Said my6 best bet was to try a place like May or Johns Hopkins U.  At least I know now that the other diagnosis was wrong.

My folks are coming to see us in a few days.  I'm excited.

2/2/2007

On 1/31, I saw Dr. Kaminski at St. Thomas.  He was the most compassionate Dr I have seen yet.  He was not supposed to take me on - said I snuck in - and only supposed to give me 14 minutes.  But he spent about an hour with me.  Listening and examining and really making sure he had a full understanding of what I live with.  Said he will go over Dr. Duncan's  & Dr. Quinn's notes and call me in 3-4 days with his assessment - if any more testing can be done - a final diagnosis  and prognosis.  I am anxious about that call.  I am so relieved to have had such a good Dr. visit and to feel so truly heard.

Pain is severe today.

Three inches of snow outside.