Not a helpful post

For any of you who read this blog hoping to glean tips, today is not for you.  Stop reading now.  And to my family, this isn't for you either.  Stop reading now.

I am not doing well.  Not coping well.  I've had a migraine for many days in a row now.  Pain level is severe.  So, on top of that challenge basket, my beloved kitty is very, very sick.  She collapsed on Thursday.  We've been to the vet on Thurs, Fri, and go again tomorrow.  She's shown no improvement whatsoever with what we are trying.  In case you don't know this about me, I am an empath.  I feel the energy of others.  It drains me.  I feel what they feel. (This is why I cannot tolerate a crowded place, or lots of voices,  I take in that energy without wanting to.)  It is my very strong intuition and feeling that she is leaving us and we are gifted with these few days to say goodbye.  She cannot lift her head, stand, etc.  We are syringe feeding.  I am spending all the time I can here in the nest room I've created for her.  The energy is rough on me.  It feels like my brain will start to leak out my nose and ears at any moment.  I think what is going on with her is neurological and in her brain.  That's all I will say now, except that my illness is the reason she is in my life.  She has witnessed every moment of my pain.  Not sure any greater bond exists in my universe.

Secondly, I am terrified that in fact, I have something called EDS, which those who want to can google.  It is worse than fibromyalgia in that in severe cases, the median life expectancy is 50 yrs.  I will turn 48 in 2 months.  I don't know what guided me to read about it, but, the more I read, the more I think I have it and the fibro is secondary to it.  Anyway, I have reached out to a local support group and thankfully some kind folks are going to guide me to a good geneticist.   Unlike the fibro, there are definitive tests that can be run to see if I am in this category.  Like the fibro, incurable.   I really am trying not to be terrified but, truly I am.  Have not yet told my sweet husband about this new thing since it crept up just as Evy collapsed the other day.  Both happened at once on Thursday evening.   I will tell him what the new doc says after I go.  

I'm in the darkest room of my house, and it feels like punishment to open the door and go out of it to the bathroom.  I want so much for her not to be alone.  And, I cannot tolerate any light or sound anyway.

I told you, not helpful.  I hope you didn't read this Mama.  It is never, ever my intention to create bad feelings among those I love in these writings.  Please don't take it on yourself to feel sad.  It is just that this thing, these posts, connect me to the world.  I am largely disconnected, very much so.  But, in reporting about my small and seemingly insignificant life, I can still stand back and observe, yes, my life is so valuable.  You know?

Grateful that Evy hasn't been called home yet.  Prayerful that if that is God's will, He takes the decision away from us.
Have lovely days/
M