Well, I am home today, when I want to be somewhere else. It's disappointing, frustrating, hard to accept the reality of the situation, and saddening. So, I've gotta find a way to be ok with it. I have to. I want to be at the warm, indoor saltwater pool swimming around. Instead, I am going to walk the dog, then I'm going to make homemade toothpaste and homemade shampoo and conditioner. Never made any of those before. Found recipes to use from a site I like. Every time I begin to feel sorry for myself, I look around at my lovely home, observe my sweet dog, and feel like an a_____e for not being grateful enough. O and I are currently playing "throw the Kong again so the last treat bounces out of it 'cause I can't get the last one out". Its a game we can play when I sit here on my laptop. We use Temptations cat treats as the innards and the game is the MOST fun when there's only one left inside, apparently. It starts out loaded with about 15 or so.
I am so looking forward to seeing a new psychologist tomorrow, especially since she was recommended to me by others whose lives are similar to mine. I can really feel the deficit of mental health support since my move here a few months ago. The first doc I tried was a bust. In all things, all my life, I try not to set expectations too high so as not to be too disappointed when they're not met, but in this case, I need her to "get" me and I need it soon. So, hopes are high.
Whoop, our Kong game is over. :/
I'm retraining myself to sleep at night on my back without moving. I've done it 4 nights in a row now, but, I've needed to take my valium to do it. Hopefully, as it becomes more habitual for my body, and as I develop the muscle memory, I will wean down and then back off the valium for sleeping. I have done that before, a couple times. It feels incredibly unusual to wake up on my back staring at my ceiling. I've never slept that way my whole life. My new massage therapist was pointing out all the ways that my tense muscles were pulling my skeleton out of alignment, which only compounds pain. One leg was a couple inches longer than the other, one hip was jutted forward an inch or so from it's partner. One scapula sat at a normal angle, the other at about a 45 degree angle. A general mess. So, he suggested this change and I told him I'd try. I feel good that I haven't broken down so far and flipped. I am so used to resting on my belly that it almost doesn't feel restful to lie on my back. It feels foreign.
Well, I guess I will get up, walk him, and make my little recipes. Enough of sitting here pondering life as I know it. I am glad not to be out there in the city on the bus. And I have hope that I'll be guided to the right mental health practitioner soon. My Father knows what I need. He provides. Grateful for the quiet, peace of my home and my lovely companion animals. I do have a very rich life.
Have happy days!
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