Especially Harrowing Day

I am going to type this in as I spoke it into my voice recorder.  ~M

It's Friday morning at 2:23 and I'm awake because I did so much extra sleeping when I got home yesterday so I want to record the events of the day now that my migraine is finally gone and I can speak more easily.  So yesterday was Thursday which means swimming day.  The bus came for me at 8:15 am.  I felt ok.  I was out of my migraine medicine but I was not worried about that at all.  That was a mistake.  I rode the bus to the pool and I was the only rider so I was there by um, about 9:15 am.  So I got in the pool with the 9 o'clock class and I did about half their class with them and um, I swam quite a bit in between classes.  Um, I got out and I ate part of my muffin and drank a lot of water um, before my class started at 10:15, no 10:30.  So I was in the pool for a long time and I did have a migraine by the time my class started.  I was having to wear my sunglasses in the pool.  When my class finished at 11:15, I couldn't stay in the pool anymore and get any more exercise.  I had to get out and rest my head with my hat on.  So, I ate my sandwich wrap, drank more water, ate the rest of my muffin.  The ride was due to come at 12:15 so I knew that I just had to sit and wait in there for an hour.  So, I did that and I watched some people in the pool and I listened to a book and tried to keep my face in the dark.  Because my head was getting progressively much worse.  Um and my body was starting to really follow it and I was with my cane and not my wheelchair.  so at about 12:15 when I looked at the app on my phone again for the bus, it said it was coming at 12:45 now.  So I decided to go up the stairs and go into the offices to see if I could rest in there , sit in there while I wait for the extra half hour.  Well the extra half hour turned into an hour because the bus didn't come until 1:15 and I was curled up on the floor of the office on one of their yoga mats because I was debilitated from my head and the extra pain that was in my body.  Anique looked out for me for when the bus arrived so I wouldn't miss it and um she helped me to get on it.  Um, so I got on the bus 2 full hours late after I got out of the pool and then we rode around in Dallas for an hour in that bus with a full migraine and um the pain in my body escalating and escalating.  Um finally at about 2:15 or 2:20, um we dropped off another person, and then picked up another person, and my pain in my body just exploded all of a sudden like a bomb and I was just in agony everywhere.  Like my head was so bad that I couldn't really communicate or think of words to say and I'd begun pulling my hair.  I was out of water by this time. Um   I was sitting in the back of the bus which was a little mini van and began just sobbing, openly sobbing in the bus.  There was one other man on the bus with me who was mentally handicapped sitting in front of me, and then the driver in front of him.  The driver talking on the phone in a different language and I couldn't stop crying.  And I was wiggling around in the seat because my body hurt so bad and I was so uncomfortable.  I was so uncomfortable, it was like, I can't even describe it.  It was like things were inside me, crawling around  me trying to get out so I was like squirming all over the backseat and pulling my hair and sobbing.  And I was afraid.  I was in so much pain and I was in such a bad situation that I became afraid and I started to have a panic attack.  I started to breathe too shallowly and then I started to get where I couldn't take a full breath, I couldn't breathe deeply because I had done too much shallow breathing and I couldn't get my lungs to open again.  The bus driver was asking what was wrong, I just tried to say that I was in pain, he asked if we needed an ambulance or if I just needed to be home and I said home.  I was still sobbing, I couldn't stop sobbing, still pulling my hair, still squirming around.  We were far away from my house still.  He was trying to get me home as fast as he could, I know, because he knew I was in trouble and at 2:45 we pulled up to the front of our house.  I was still sobbing.  I told him that I couldn't walk, I couldn't get out, that he had to go press the bell.  And its just coincidence I think that Tim worked from home yesterday for the first time since he's had this job he was at home.  So he brought my wheelchair out to me and I sort of flung myself into it.  The bus driver carried my bags and my cane to the door.  Tim pushed me and got me in the door.  I told him I needed a paper bag, I was hyperventilating.  He said he didn't know where they were, I told him where they were.  I was pulling my hair, still sobbing.  He brought me 2 valiums and some water.  Got me into my room onto the futon, got the fan turned on, got me some valiums some water and paper bag, left me for a little while.  It was least a half hour of breathing into that bag before I could really breathe normally and feel um calm again.  My body was actually past the point of pain, it was entirely numb at this point.  I couldn't even feel any pain in my body anymore, which is maybe only about the second time that has happened since I have had fibromyalgia.  That the pain was so much that it was no longer registering, that it was just numbness everywhere.  My head was a hot mess of explosion, like I would say that it was at a 9, only because I never use the top number of the scale, so I would say this was a 9 or a 9.5 migraine.  I had no business being out in the sunshine, I had no business being out there without any water on a bus.   None.  But, that's where I found myself so.  So um, I laid for a while and breathed into the bag drank all the water I had and I got myself into my wheelchair, then I yelled for Tim to come and help me because I had to pee.  The wheelchair doesn't go into my bathroom.  So, I had to cross my arms around his neck and hug him and he had to lift me and take me onto the toilet.  We had to get my swimming suit off me together so that I could pee.  He brought me one of my cold frogg towels from the refrigerator and then we had to get me back up off the toilet onto the wheelchair back into this room.  He brought me another tall glass of iced water with a straw and um then just left me with my frogg towel and my water to try to pass out, which I did.  I woke up about maybe 5:30 um, needed more water, needed the bathroom again, went to the kitchen and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for some dinner.  Asked Tim to please go to WalMart  and pick up my migraine medicine and also my Amitryptaline.  We agreed that I wouldn't go to the pool again without at least one migraine pill available and that I would also not go there without my wheelchair again.  My head still was in very bad condition but the rest helped it so I could to form sentences and I was able to communicate.  It wasn't split open anymore, it was just wounded.  Um so I went back to my room and tried to rest more in the dark and the quiet.  He did go get my migraine medicine for me so that I'd have it for today's bus ride.  But, I knew that it was not gonna help yesterday's so I didn't bother taking one.  I did find my old hydrocodone which I haven't taken since about March I haven't taken it.  I took one and it wasn't very long before I could feel it working, passing me out.  So I brushed my teeth and um took my nighttime medicines and came back and laid down more to try to pass out again.  So now at 2 in the morning I can say my migraine is finally gone.  I do have a dull pain in my head that feels like a bruise was left from the migraine.  It feels like my head is actually bruised.  My body is in better shape, not good shape but better shape than it was in because I've rested so much.  2 am and I'm actually starving and quite thirsty.  Um.  So I didn't record this story tonight for my blog for any pity from anybody.  If anybody wants to feel any pity toward me, please don't, turn it into prayer for me.  Because pity will not help me in my life, but prayer will.  Those of you who have never found yourself in an incredibly vulneralbe and scary situation where you did not have a person who you could depend on with you and you were alone, you might not understand why the hyperventilation happened, why I got so scared.  I wasn't even aware of the fact that I was fearful, it was just happening from within me.  I knew that I was in trouble when I started to pull my own hair because that's a behavior I've never done before.  And so I knew from that behavior, it scared me, I knew that I was in a new and a very very bad situation.  And that's when the hyperventilation began.  I was able to keep that under control.  I was able to find deep breath while I was still on the bus for a little while.  I calmed myself down a couple of times but the sobbing just kept returning.  By the time we got to the sidewalk in front of the house going into the house my lungs were on fire burning, trying to get breath in them.  Which is quite frightening if you've never had that experience or lived through that.  Um, it feels quite serious, it feels quite frightening.  So even though people, doctors say that fibromyalgia is not a life-threatening thing, I really did think that I might die on the bus yesterday.  I really did think that there were probably not that many ways I was gonna survive that.  I think that's where the tears came from.  So, I'll be curious to see how strong and how courageous I'll be when the bus pulls up at the house this morning to take me to my doctor.  Whether or not I'll be afraid to get on it, whether or not, how I will feel.  Because as of right now, I have to tell you I'm not looking forward to it.  I look to it with dread, so, I will have to do a lot of praying and a lot of pep talk stuff to be able to get myself to my doctor this morning.  And I need to go, because I need a muscle relaxer because my back is in trouble.  I've got a massage scheduled on Saturday also, so I've gotta ride the bus two more days in a row, tomorrow and the following day.  And it was a bad experience today.  It was a bad experience.  They were 2 hours late, and then I rode around in the bus for an hour before I started to have panic.  It was at least another half an hour that I was sobbing and in panic mode so I'm not sure how the experience could have been worse than it was because I was in full on panic mode, sobbing openly, pulling my hair, on the bus.  So it will be interesting to see how I  can talk myself and pray myself into getting on the bus again today alone.  I do have migraine medicine I can take with me, I do anticipate that my head will feel like a bruise for quite some days now after this.  So, my gratitude for this entry will be that I was able to stay under control and not go into full hyperventilation while I was alone in the world.  I was able to still keep enough oxygen and breath that I could tell the driver what I needed, tell my husband what I needed.  I needed a paper bag.  I needed my cold towel.  I needed water, ice water.  I had to be able to tell them that because I couldn't get those things on my own.  So I have gratitude that I had enough left in me to communicate.  Goodnight.