No big news, just August

It's Sunday.  Last week I went to my local church.  I miss being part of a church, worshiping in a group, the social aspect of it.  And the Sacrament.  But I was reminded that the location of my worship is irrelevant to my Heavenly Father.  I was reminded that the rituals are not really necessary for me to feel close, loved and comforted.  No, I don't get to receive Communion, but, I trust that He still dwells in me.  It just isn't good for me.  And more than that, it depresses me because I put myself through a lot to be there hoping to feel better about life afterwords.  Instead, left feeling chewed up and spit out.  The environment is entirely too hard for my body.  I'd like very much to become a part of some ladies social group but, without being an active parish member, which I can't do if I don't attend Mass, that isn't happening.  So, last Sunday was an extremely hard day.  And it took me most of the week to bounce up from the mood it left me in.  Not entirely sure I'm out of that yet.  I can still feel it pulling at me.  Depression sometimes feels a bit like gravity.  A natural pull downward.  Problem-solving creativity and muscular and mental effort are required to oppose it.  Those are often hard to come by for me.

At my physical a couple weeks ago, my blood pressure was so low that it alarmed my doctor.  She wanted me to come down from a drug to half the dose.  I do nearly blackout almost every time I go from low to high position.  She explained that the low blood pressure causes this orthostatic hypotension, and that likely the amitrypatline is responsible.  I've been on 25 mg of it for years at night but my previous neurologist increased me to 50 in January this year to help with migraine pain and prevention.  So, now I have a hard choice in front of me again.  I have my migraines under control again, PRAISE the LORD, but my pain is in an escalation.   I have decreased the dose back to 25mg and my pain is at the top of the charts again.  I'm not sure, of course, there's never a hard, fast guarantee, but I think that if I added back the extra 25mg, it could help with some of this pain.  It will just mean also adding back the very low blood pressure.  On the surface of it, the decision seems easy to just do what decreases my pain.  But, small activities of daily life can't be overlooked.  A movement so small as to load a single dish in the dishwasher could absolutely cause me to hit the floor if I'm not VERY careful.  It is quite hard, quite an effort to be so careful all the time.  I'm not sure yet what choice to make.  Keeping it in prayer for now on the decreased dose.  Living with the pain.

I do wish our home felt "done" the way we want it.  We haven't taken (Tim hasn't had) the time to paint all of it and to replace some of the very outdated fixtures, etc.  These things are so minor, really.  But for me, I spend my life in this house.  It would be a bit more pleasant if it felt cleaner and fresher.  We'll get there.

I no longer feel any guilt when Oscar doesn't get a walk.  He stays on guard duty in the backyard all day.  There is constant danger of a squirrel/bird invasion, and he is militant that it will not happen while he breathes.  This week, with so much rain, he actually has spent more time outside than in.  He enjoys the heck out of standing with front paws on the tree trunk making sure that darn squirrel doesn't dare come down.  And as the squirrels jump around the canopied backyard from tree to tree, he runs back and forth across our large yard, many many times daily.  The true beauty of his protection is that he does all this in silence.  Never a single bark.  So, he gets his exercise, which I'm quite grateful for.

We are going to go out for some fast food lunch and then shopping.  Also to pick up meds.   They are my migraine abortive, which I've been out of for more than a week, and have been getting by without problems.  I have introduced another chemical in the afternoons when my head starts to get tight, a half a Coke Zero with lemon juice.  The caffeine is the helper.  I'd like to get to a point where I don't rely on any chemical, but, if wishes were.... what's that saying?  Anyway, if I had a wish, I certainly wouldn't waste it on a mid-day Coke Zero need.  So, that's where I am with that.

Not feeling good about my new psychologist.  Not learning from her, not benefiting yet.  So far, I have been paying to educate her about myself, my background, my illness.  This week at the appointment, I wept about something that happened and was really fighting depression, but she could not even understand why I was so upset.  I had to explain every single step and stage of what I went through to her.  It felt excessively tiresome.  I don't think my expectations are unreasonable.  I'm just educating her about life with this.  She just needs to read my blog.  I've reached out to the support group asking for names of other psychologists who folks with chronic illness can recommend.  Neither of my doctors, my primary or my neuro, could help with that.  I have a couple to call, but they will need to take my Medicare, which is unlikely.

Still battling loneliness.  Still trying to reach out and bring new and old friends closer to me.  There's a slope involved because the loneliness breeds a vulnerability for me, which can breed anxiety, and then fear, and then depression.  I gotta nip this in the bud.  I just do.  The depression option is frankly scarier than anything I can think of facing.  I never want to do that again.

Today's gratitude is for the abundant healthy and fresh food I have easy access to.  Many, many people live in hunger or without the ability to get the nutrients they need because they can't afford foods of high quality.  I am blessed in so many ways, but my stocked refrigerator is a huge one.

Have happy days!