Looking forward and back about vacations

When I was first struck with this huge change in my health, I did not go on vacations for years.  I did not want to be in an environment that was uncertain, didn't want to be limited by my abilities in doing the activities offered.  I certainly didn't want my household to spend the money on something neither one of us could fully enjoy.  I wonder now if that fear alone contributed to how miserable those first few years were for me.  Change of scenery is so important.  Doing something different once in a while is so special.  It creates memories.  Those memories supply our minds with things to dwell on when we get back to the regular day to day life.  Yesterday, for example, I was in just monumental physical pain all day.  A day like that can mess with your head if you let it.  It can say "oh, you won't be able to sleep or get comfortable in a hotel room.  You won't be able to do this or that in your wheelchair.  Hubby will be burdened with helping and attending to you.  You won't enjoy it."  That is powerful because it is so believable.  So probable, if you let it be.  It's just fear.  Fear of the uncertain.  I have come to grips with living every day, hour-to-hour with uncertainty.  I am no longer afraid to make plans, but I make sure they are possible to cancel and get refunds.  Further, I rarely cancel them.  This is my only life.  If I never do anything, go anywhere, because of this pain, frankly, it isn't much of one.  I've discovered that adventure is in perspective.  What is a full day outing and adventurous to me isn't the same as it is for you or for many.  That's when I realize how horrible it is to compare myself, my life with others.  It's dishonest and disrespectful to me.   I am my own.  It is apples and oranges.  I am entirely unique and so my vacation experiences will be entirely unique.  Will they be the ideal experiences of the TV commercials? No.  Will there be huge and uncomfortable obstacles in my path? Count on it.  Is is still worth doing?  Blessedly, yes, yes, yes.  Part of getting through yesterday with my head on straight was the fact that I have photos of our few most recent vacations all over my house.  So seeing them reminds me that I can go places and enjoy the world at large.  I can leave these walls safely and fly and ride, and figure out how to successfully get enough sleep.  The simple fact is that whatever pain is present in the traveling, would likely still have been present had I stayed home.  So, as I look forward to next week, to seeing new places and getting together with family, I am not afraid.  I am comfortable not knowing what I will feel like.  Fully aware that the answer might be like crap on a cracker.    I will start making my lists today.  I will look up the weather like "regular" people do.  I will write checks to the pet-sitters.  I will do small things each day to try to prepare because I won't be able to do it all at one time the day before.  I am not afraid of being a disappointment to anyone I visit with.  I am comfortable in the knowledge that they love me and hope they know it is hard to interact with me sometimes.  Frankly, it is quite hard for me to interact with myself sometimes, which is profoundly scary.  I know that whatever happens, I will survive the discomfort.  I will be cared for and even in worst case scenarios where I picture myself entirely helpless, I have grown so close to the Lord that I know I will never be abandoned.  There is no circumstance imaginable, day-to-day or in an unknown place, where He will not protect me from evil.  My body may feel horrible things but, my body is only one aspect of me.  I am more than my painful body.  And I am sooooooo looking forward to this vacation.

Grateful that there are people in this world who love me and that I have the means to get to them and to expose my mind to different things and places.  Grateful that I am walking this morning.

Have happy happy happy days.  Decide to.