They Won't Come

I want to cry.  I want to cry this afternoon more than I've ever wanted a piece of chocolate.  I can feel inside me that I need to.  But, the tears won't come.  I now realize what I hadn't thought of before Monica passed away.  Getting through the grief  of losing her won't be like anyone else I know.  I won't be able to just compare and console and understand in a way that is ideal and healthy.  It will take me much, much longer.  And cognitively I will stay in a fog for more extended periods of time.

One component of my illness is depression, which makes perfect sense considering pain is ever present.  I am on an effective regimen of anti-depressants (I take a cocktail of 3 kinds every morning)  and would not consider going off them for any reason.  Not only will I not do it, my entire team of doctors would not allow it, I'm certain.  And those medicines are the reason I can't cry for her today.  I want to.  I miss her.  Anti-depressants effectively shorten the range of emotion available to us.  I no longer can feel my lowest low feelings.  Also, I can no longer feel my highest joys.  My range is maybe a 6 to a 14 instead of  a 0 to 20, if numerals help you.  I accept that because I must.  I am at peace with it only because I acutely understand the alternative provides zero quality of life.

I have been trying to make myself cry for about an hour now.  And I don't want to just get on you-tube and find some random video that is tear-jerking and use that as my way out of this.  I want and need to grieve the loss of my baby sister.  And, damn it, I can't cry.  Not today, anyway.  I want to pass through this grieving period in a reasonable time, and at a reasonable pace, naturally in my own way, but not delayed because of stupid chemicals that won't let me cry.  I am sort of abandoned on the grief highway and left there, not able to go in either direction.  I can't come out of it because well, there's deep sadness left for me to feel and process.  And I can't dive in to the deep sadness because my medicines won't allow it chemically.  I'm on the grief Exit ramp.  And I can't get there.

Maybe one day this week, I'll accomplish progress on this front.  I hope so.

I'm so grateful for the anti-depressants and their function of stabilizing my mood and masking some of the physical pain, that they are affordable and that I have found some that work for me without horrendous side-effects.

Here's to happy days.  Hoping y'all have them.