It feels like too much time has passed without recording any thoughts or events. I'm not sure if that's true, but it feels that way tonight, so, I'm going to do the "stream of consciousness" thing and see what comes out. Just finished getting ready for bed, so this might have potholes. Here goes:
I have coped with quite a lot successfully recently. And I think its important to recognize that. Not to be too proud but just proud enough that I am aware of my growth and how my life is improved by it. I have been controlled by anxiety before and I have also lived in relative isolation because of my situation in society, but that's not me anymore. Not at all. Now, I rarely have fear. And it is almost never a factor in deciding where to go or what to engage in. Not to say I'm still not careful about what I undertake. I'm just not afraid anymore. I'm realistic. And, I'm also much less self-conscious than I have previously been about wanting others not to hear me struggle to speak. I am making a huge effort to bring more people into my life, and to keeping the quality ones there. I haven't made this a priority before but, I want it to be more so. I want to have more of a social network, and I'm actively doing something about that. Which is lovely because, I not in a complaining mode, or even a problem solving mode, but an action mode. It feels great in action mode. I find that I miss this mode as much as I miss everything else.
My sister passed away a few weeks ago, and I am able to reflect on my relationship with her as everything I could have hoped for. We forgave each other everything before saying goodbye, and now, I can feel her super-social influence in my life as I meet new friends often. Her daughters carry on her smile and her eyes. And I am so relieved to know that she no longer lives in that wrecked and ruined physical body. And, I don't feel even a bit guilty about that relief. She would feel it too, and would feel it for any of us who she loved.
I have begun several different hobbies and I think I want to stumble onto one which will be so clever and easy and inventive that I can market and produce a product which is healing, fun, healthy, etc. I know it, in fact. It's at the base of me. I want to be well. I don't want to read on discussion boards how others with my illness are so very very depressed. That is so dangerous. You can't know unless you've felt it, just how dangerous that is. I want to discover something I can message them and say, hey, try doing this for a few days, it has really helped me. Also, its natural, inexpensive, etc. I am desperate to keep more drugs out of me. I am continuing to strive to get and keep my body into a shape which is acceptable and sustainable as I get deep into middle age. I had some help with the math recently and discovered that I actually am not even 45 anymore, I'm 46! I have to get a grip on this because its only going to get harder. Stupid sweet carbs. Of doom.
I felt good during pilates again today. It was my last one-on-one session and from here out, I will take mat classes for a couple months. I came home exhausted and ate lunch and then went to bed, as I have every time. And this time, I didn't wake up symptom-free, but I am feeling pretty good if I can be this cognitively aware at bedtime. Lots of times I am doing well to form elementary sentences.
Have a looming sense that I should give the dog a bath tomorrow. But, that's probably not going to happen. It could but, I wouldn't lay down any money on it.
I'm so, so blessed. I'm able to see what some cannot. I'm able to hear what some cannot. We all have special talents, as my 6-yr-old niece would say. I'm not sure what my very specific talent would be in her eyes but, I hope it is along the lines of kindness. I hope whatever it is keeps me close to Christ.
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