Loss

Death seems to have hit my life in a spider-webby sort of way.  Or it has this summer, anyway.  I lost a member of my family of origin, the first member of that family to pass, and the closest person to me who has died. In addition to that death, I am aware that 4 people I know, 3 very well and 1 as an acquaintance, have lost dear animal companions.  Further, an online friend lost her mother suddenly.  My mom reports that Monica's husband's aunt passed last week.  (Monica is my dear sister who now guards me as an angel and began that job on 7/12/15.)  And yesterday, my brand new friend told me that she was visited by the police and a pastor who informed her that her mother had been found on the floor in her Florida condo.  She couldn't reach her mom on the phone on Thursday and started to get worried.  And for good reason.  Her mother had indeed died alone in her bedroom.    So, if we are arranging these angels now, we have 4 people and 4 animals in the span of about 3 weeks.  For me, that is a lot of loss.  Now, obviously I will not grieve for the folks I never met, nor the animals, but it does make my heart hurt a little.  And my heart is very beaten up from the loss of my baby sister.  I actually wish that I didn't care quite so much about anyone else's loss, the tangential ones but, I do.  And that is part of me.  I know how sad those people are.  I know how frustrated they feel and how unfair the situation became.  And I feel it.  Some of it is quite close to me.  I find myself praying for comfort so often that I have begun feeling selfish during my "prayer conversations".  I force myself to focus on some issues or events or people eliciting my gratitude.  I can do that, fairly easily, after I instruct myself.  But, forcing it is unusual for me.  I love being mainly thankful and not so wanting from our Lord.  I won't beat myself up too much about it, remembering that I have to walk through this grieving valley and He wants to comfort me, its not a special treat or something.  It is wrapped up in the combo package that is His love for me.  But, it does feel uncomfortable.  And in a few days, I will physically face everyone in the world who loved my sister, all of us grieving our individual lost relationships with her.  I feel stable at home here now, writing about her and reflecting.  But, when I see the pain on the faces of my parents, that is when I know I will need the Lord the most.  It is easy to sit here and tell myself that she simply finished her journey.  But, it will take some time before I can look at a photograph of her and not weep.



Grateful that she was loaned to a family in which I belonged.