There's a weird sort of thing that happens with my symptoms. It is understandable from a birds-eye view but, I am not a bird. I am having to live it. So, its a bit harder to wrap my head around and sort of get the firm grip I need in order not to sink. Here goes. So, severe symptoms like pain, or migraine, or massive fatigue limit everything I do when they are present. I adapt to include them into my life since I have no choice but to do so. Part of adapting means that I am limited as to where I can go, the independent freedom to go when I want, and the energy of participating in some event. So, as adaptation, I have learned not to make too many plans. They are too frequently cancelled and/or changed. I know that large groups of people cause an unhealthy reaction in my body, so again I avoid places where these groups might be. I am extremely sensitive to certain vibrations and smells, and noises. More things to avoid. I don't drive because it isn't safe when I am symptomatic, and I live with unpredictable symptoms. These changes make sense when symptoms are in place. However, lately, the last few weeks, symptoms have not been overly bad. I find myself left with what feels like a shell of a life. Unfulfilled. Lonely. I have lost so much of what I'd want to be or do that when I can contribute or participate, the doors are already closed due to symptoms. Even if I can go to a place where a lot of people are gathered, and it may be a bit noisy, maybe a neighborhood social event or whatever, I am left feeling like I don't belong there. I've already adapted it out. They don't know me and are so busy with the people they do know that they don't have time to get to know me. It seems darker here, in this place. This life that feels a bit like a shell today. Sometimes, when I have been symptomatic, I can recall feeling like life is on hold. Like I'm just waiting it out for "this" to pass so I can get back to..... to what? Well, to doing nothing, really. I did get some very sad news a couple days ago that I haven't yet processed emotionally, and certainly that has a component on how dark things look for me today. My personal triangle remains the same. If I'm not in pain, I am fatigued. If I'm not fatigued, I have a migraine. If I don't have a migraine, I'm depressed. So, just finishing out the cycle with that last one. It's a very scary one. Physical pain is super easy for me to tolerate compared to pain in my heart and soul. I know for SURE that that will pass. This just feels bigger. It feels like someone has taken a huge old moldy woolen blanket and thrown it over me and I can't find any corner to lift it and get light. I'm trying to find an edge. But, I keep dropping it or not being strong enough to lift it. I have a lovely life. Even as I type that, I find that I cannot smile about it. Problem. I have a spouse who is ideal for me and treasures me and, still not smiling at the monitor. Problem. I have the affection of two sweet animals. Stone-faced as I sit here. Problem. I am grateful in theory for about a billion things in my world and yet, I feel empty. I have adapted so many fulfilling things out of my life that now, when I am not fully symptomatic, I am left empty. I am waiting for symptoms to come so I have something to do. ?? Could that be possible? What I have just written confuses me no end. If you are confused as well, then I guess I made my point. This whole thing is just so much NOT straightforward and I lack the mental energy necessary to connect the proposed dots. I just do. That is all. Going to bed now.
Grateful for the bedtime yoga sequence that calms me and has improved my sleep cycle. Thanks, Adriene.
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