I am feeling pretty well lately. For the last few weeks, anyway. And I am grateful. Deeply grateful. However, with this gratitude is sort of a confusing mix of "when will the other shoe drop" and general "I really don't have any idea what's going on". I do realize that those two confused feelings are not helpful and indeed can cause stress if I focus on them so, I am writing here to avoid focusing. Historically, in very cold weather, I hurt. A lot. I do remember last winter and my struggle through it but, the rest of the info which I do not remember is recorded in various journals. Cold is very painful for me. I know this to be a fact. Well, this week the temperatures have been at or below freezing most days, climbing only to the high 30's. Dry, but cold. And I am not needing my wheelchair. Some of the time, I am not even needing my cane. This is unheard of. Frankly, it makes me nervous, if I allow it, because I wonder when the crap-storm will hit. Will I end up crawling to my chair suddenly one day, since I don't have my cane? This is the benefit of being in my home full of furniture, hopefully, that won't happen.
The single only difference in my behavior this winter is that I am staying indoors. I have let go of the guilt of walking the dog and I don't do it. If Tim walks him before work, he gets a walk, if not, he doesn't. I know this isn't great or ideal for him but, in my journey for some relief for myself, this is the pit stop right now. So, maybe since I am keeping myself very, very climate controlled, that is making a difference. I don't know. I did go out to an appointment one morning in the cold but, I didn't suffer during or after. My pain levels are lower than normal for me. Fatigue is the same but, headaches are less frequent. I have become disciplined about my naps again and take a med before nap time and before bedtime to help with falling asleep. Also, I am diligently including kefir and cultured veggies in my daily diet and have been for 9 months. Those are the only things I'm doing differently than last year, this same time.
So, in my natural human yearning to understand what I am going through, I have no idea. I long for an answer to the question about why I feel better now. My pain does not go above a 4 these days, which is remarkable and a blessing. Yet, I cannot help but be on guard for when a flare will hit and it will skyrocket to an 8. It isn't healthy to investigate that too far because, I can easily get into self-blame. If I do something that changes it, anything that changes it, and I'm able to pinpoint that thing, then the pain is my fault. So, really, it is hurtful to try to identify the reason, and especially hurtful to micromanage my movements so carefully. I need to just live. Let myself live. But, it feels prudent to be on guard. For example, it would be foolish to leave my home without a wheelchair now-days. I have learned from those kinds of mistakes, no matter how low my pain is inside this house.
Thankful for relief from pain. Praying for the ability to just enjoy each moment without worry about how I might feel in the next. Wanting to wallow in the wellness. Well, the relative wellness. I still cannot dance through and entire song in my living room. Lord, let me stay aware but not tightly guarded and not micromanaging all my human behaviors. Let me just enjoy the relief and turn away from distress at the change I think is coming.
Have happy days!
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