Have been feeling well and high-functioning for months. Many months. Have taken on additional volunteer duties, and enjoying my quality of life.
Here's how severely pure adrenaline from my own system can affect me. Drove myself to a meeting at church yesterday in the evening. (It's only a 17 minute drive on Sunday morning, when Tim drives us. But I drove myself yesterday, which means that I avoid the interstate, and it took all of 45 minutes, in drizzly, dark fog.) My hands, wrists, arms ached from holding onto the wheel. That drive was very stressful. Then I sat in the church which is cavernous, as churches tend to be, and all the voices chatting just roared as if they were, I don't even know what. I had to put my fingers in my ears until the meeting began. I sat in so much pain, thinking all the while, "I can't believe I've gotten myself into this situation AGAIN. I'm in too much pain to drive myself home. I'm nearly in too much pain to walk to my car. All the years of coping, adapting, learning, etc, and here I am AGAIN, a victim of this. I should have just stayed home where I'm safe." BUT IT WASN'T TRUE. It was temporary weakness, my doubt in myself, bullying me into believing that I would not be safe. And safety is about faith. I prayed while I sat there, listening to the questions and answers about where to walk during service, and when. I asked for His provision. I asked to be granted safety getting home. I breathed deeply. I rubbed my sore body to encourage as much circulation as I could. Thankfully, a migraine hadn't been triggered. I got up and was first out the door when we were released. You'd think that meant I got to my car quickly. But it didn't. A gentleman even came and gave me his arm, quite kindly, helping me finish getting myself to my car, as it was clear I was struggling to walk. I knew that I had to sit for a while. I had to have patience, let the stillness and quiet of my car try to calm all the adrenaline loose in my bloodstream. In a good deal of pain, both hands really struggled to grip the wheel. Then I remembered that I have safely navigated these shores before. I have been "at the mercy of my body" many times, and never has He forsaken my safety. He gives me enough mental clarity to care for myself or ask for help, and I have not suffered more from having this happen outside home. Its just terrifying. And then, the terrifying adds to the mix of chemicals in the blood. Adding to the pain response.
Another stressful drive home, and couldn't string any words together to Tim upon arrival. I felt defeated but, clearly reality showed that I was not. I was home. Safe. Nothing amiss. But there was still pain to deal with and all that goes with it. Took my nighttime meds and did my nighttime therapy, and went to bed, my mind not in a good place. Had nightmares about not being able to live independently, not having resources I need, not being heard, not being valued, being in danger..... etc. And I realized this upon rising, all those issues I nightmared about, equal a lack of something. But, if I have real and true faith, not just surface faith, but the deep stuff, I cannot fear those "lacks of", not really. I will know, as a result of my faith, that some provision will be made for me. Something I have not thought of will be put in my path to guide me through. I sat at the meeting in fear, talking myself down from a great deal of anxiety response to pain. But, here I am the next morning with nothing at all amiss. I think physiologically reacting to pain response is inherent. And I know that my body dumps adrenaline into my blood at remarkable levels, which I cannot filter and process. That being said, it is quite easy to convince myself that if I would have stayed home, it would have been prevented. And it likely would have. But I would have been excluded. The only way to become known is to show up. And not to worry about the state of my being upon my arrival. I won't have an isolated life again. I've had that and I take responsibility that inclusion is up to me. And coping with my body and its many responses to environment is up to me. But they don't have to be separate. It is difficult, often, but it is worth it, being included. It's not my fault I have to deal with this. It is my responsibility to deal with it, thought. That makes me empowered, not a victim of it.
May you be blessed,
Marie
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