Today I go out

Today is my day out.  First the bus picks me up and takes me to the pool.  I'll stay there for a couple hours, then take a Lyft car over to my psych appointment.  Then the bus picks me up there and brings me home.  I look forward to pool day all week.  When I am in the pool, I cannot wait for the next day I can get to it.  However, the ride home from Plano, mid-day on a bus takes nearly 2 hours, and sometimes more, which needless to say, isn't good for me.  But, I still can't wait to get to that warm water.  I am free in the water.  There isn't any pressure on any part of my body.  I have no stress whatsoever.  It feels miraculous.  Or as close as I think miraculous can, given my hand of cards dealt.

We spread Evy's remains out in front of our home by one of the large trees.  I miss her so much.  Sometimes the ache begins to abate, and then I remember she isn't going to come around the corner and "I love you" ankle rub me, and then I ache again.  It will be a long sad road back from this loss.  I did beg God after her initial collapse that He take the decision from Tim and I and when it was time, just to please take her from us.  I prayed hard, selfishly, to not have to make the decision.  And He granted me that.  So, so grateful.  She was a super, super quiet kitty so, she was ever present, even though you didn't necessarily hear or see her.  She was just always here.  I think she had a happy life with us, and that gives me comfort but, the heartache remains.  The void is ginormous.  More than 12 years as my 24 hour companion.  For the first 7, there were no dogs, just me and her.

I finally gathered as much family health history as I possibly could from every parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, uncle, and first cousin, niece and nephew I have to complete a form for UT Southwestern for them to determine whether I will be admitted to be seen in their Adult Genetics clinic for evaluation.  I called the lady's office number on the day I mailed the form to be sure I was sending it all to the right place and chatted with her a moment.  She asked what I wanted to be evaluated for and I told her.  The next question was whether anyone in my family had had an aneurysm.  When I said yes, she said OH, and then she was silent for several beats.  That is a scary silence, if you've never heard it.  Then she said she'd do her best to process my form quickly when she got it.  At that point, there seemed to no longer be a question of whether I'd be seen by them, but only when.  When I try and take a step back from my life and look at it, how understandable that I am sometimes just overcome with anxiety.  I might have a truly dangerous form of a disease, a chronic and incurable disease.  Meanwhile, I already have an illness that leaves me without physical and mental resources to cope  very successfully sometimes.  I find myself reaching for the newly prescribed Xanax more and more often.

And to make matters even more scary, I will have to find a new mental health professional after only 5 more visits.  I have to change insurance, I have to.  Mine won't take the new plan.  This is something millions of us go through.  But, my level of anxiety is so high right now that I feel panic in not knowing who will help me take care of myself.  Tim had to pick me up off the kitchen floor in a mess of sobs over the weekend.  Grief and fear are very real players in my game right now.  They are undeniable.  I'm having trouble.  Thank God Tim is stable enough to help me, at least he seems to be.

Thankful that it is a pool day.  Thankful for my friends who still insert themselves into my life, because I just lack the energy to reach out to them, even though I need them.  Thankful for my spouse who so far is not infected by my downward spiral.  Prayer for stability and courage.

Have happy, happy days today!