Wake-up metaphor

I woke up today with this metaphor on my mind.  Not sure if it was dream-related or not, but an hour later, the metaphor still has the ring of truth so, I thought I'd write.
Life now, as opposed to life before fibro, is like flying without any autopilot or co-pilot.  (Not that I've ever flown anything, lol.)  If I'm the pilot of a plane, a jet, under normal circumstances, I have help.  I have a copilot for another set of eyes, and I have autopilot to help in other instances.  But now, imagine this, I am flying the ginormous aircraft full of life without either.  This is what it is like to have fibro, and to live with it.  I want and need help just to get through the task.  In my case, my task is just moving myself through and functioning at a basic level in my day.  It is actually more than a full-time job to do this task.  I need so much care, and I am so limited by being alone with it (alone, like the pilot, no one else informed to help with the task) that it overwhelms what my human body is capable of.  Now, I am not alone in life.  I am happily married and partnered to someone who actually does give a damn.  I have a priceless family of origin who treasure me, but none who are geographically close.  I have a handful of friends and other family members who love me, but none who can , nor would I want them to, drop what they are doing in their lives to help me get through a day.  But, THAT IS WHAT I NEED.  no, not need, want.  THAT IS WHAT I WANT.  I feel so not up to the task that it may as well be Mt. Everest.  No exaggeration.  Some days, the only way I think I'll survive is because I've survived so many already.  Honestly.  It's that bad.  So the lesson is this:  I must take care of myself because I have no copilot nor autopilot.  If I shy away from the task, the plane will crash.  Life on the plane will be lost.  I am ultimately and entirely responsible for life on the plane.  There isn't anyone else to turn to, no one else to lean on.  Just me.  And, I am SOOOOO limited.  The only way to get through the day is to let the limitations shine.  I know on the surface, that seems like embracing victim-hood, but it isn't.  I'm choosing not to be a victim.  I'm choosing reality.  I'm choosing not to use my precious energy fighting against what isn't winnable.  I'm choosing to save it for a purpose of a higher priority, like, getting myself fed.  If I wasted my energy fighting about "oh, poor me, I don't wanna live like this, it isn't fair, so much pain, woe is me..." then that takes energy, and quite possibly, the exact amount of energy I could have used to feed myself lunch.  I am alone in the cockpit.  Yes, that is my only job.  Flying the 747-Marie.  Waking up and getting through each day.  I don't have any autopilot I can turn on so that I can go work at another job.  I don't have that extra set of eyes, ears, hands, to propel me through the world without thinking.  Every single thing my body does takes a toll.  Now, no not all days are this bad, but today is, yesterday was.  I had to go yesterday and have a secondary screening mammogram which was incredibly painful.  And it began a very immediate and steep decline of everything for me.  I, the pilot, fell into like a mental stupor by the time my bus arrived to take me home.  After the 45 minute very bumpy ride, it took every bit out of me to unlock my door, get inside, lock it, and roll down the hall to crawl into my bed.  I didn't wake until after 4 pm.  More than 4 hours later.  Didn't eat, which for me is akin to flying the 747 literally without fuel.  But, my body was too limited.  I couldn't refuel.  Couldn't.  So, I had to let the limitations have their way.  And, somehow, I did survive the day, although if you'd have asked me yesterday, I'd have said it could go either way.  Last night I slept 13 hours and I still crave going back to bed, which I will very soon.  I'm not a victim though.  I'm a survivor.  I woke up today.  I am able to keep the plane in the air.  Somehow.  I still fly.  Holy crap it's not easy, but I am in flight.  For those who don't live like I do, imagine how much easier it would be to fly with another person, and a computer program standing by to assist you at your beck and call.  Now imagine you grow used to having those there, to rely on them.  Now, imagine they are gone.  And you have the entire bloody plane on your own.  Against the vastness of the sky.

Anyway, that is my metaphor today.  I don't live in any fear simply because right now, fear would take more energy than I've got, lol.  But honestly, I have learned that fear isn't real.  And I live in reality.  The reality that is my body, my responsibility alone.  My life, to fill with riches, or to let starve.  I WANT TO LIVE.

Grateful today that yesterday's tests revealed nothing troubling.
May you have happy, happy days.  Choose to fly your plane.