1/16/07

My mood is a bit better today.  I was finally able to go to the bathroom after many laxatives!!!  I think all that toxic s**t makes me depressed on the insides.  I had a terrible night.  I emailed Dr. Q and asked for her advice.  But in the light of the morning and after the bathroom, I do have a better mood.  Literally lighter and brighter.  I think I should stop taking Cymbalta just for that reason.  I even worked to day with some more waiting for me now.  I am anxious for spring.  I used to have a grip on this problem and I hate that I lost it.  Hopefully, I will get it back soon.

1/15/07

Here's another attempt at journal writing after a long delay.   I've had a recent set back that's been hard for me.  I was at a "baseline" place where I was adapted and I was handling things and then, I lost it.  During my last period, I think I may have miscarried, and I'm not sure if that's why the pain was so bad for that whole week or not, or if that even happened but, since then, I can't seem to get myself back to "normal".  The pain has gone back to its regular deal, I think, but I can't get readjusted to it mentally.  I can barely work and prepare our meals.  Last week I only worked one day for 2 hours.

I'm gonna make an effort to write each day to see if that helps me.

I'll be on my Cymbalta for another week and a half to see if it really is going to help with pain.  But, I'm having such trouble going to the bathroom.  I really want to go back to Zoloft.  And I'm really struggling against feeling sad and sorry for myself.  I think Zoloft worked better for me.

Mom & Dad are coming to visit in a month.  I'm excited about that.

K (my medical transcription boss) said that I will always have a job with her.  She is willing to work with me and wait for things to resolve.

I have a new Dr appt on Jan 31 with a neurological diagnostician called Dr. Kamenski.  I hope he thinks for something the others did not.

That's all for now.

Evy is on my lap.

10/28/06

Many good things have happened - although I still live in pain.  I have been succe3ssfully working at a job for 6 months with 2 raises.  Yesterday I worked for 7 hours and earned $43.00 which is a record for me in my transcription job.

We also moved to a house without stairs, in Smyrna.  Life is easier when I need to nap.  Wheelchair fits through bathroom doors.

Saw Dr. BQ all summer and she was very helpful about showing me that sometimes I should just grieve.  No point in fake "its ok".  That has done wonders.  After a day or so of feeling bad I'm back to myself.  I also learned some relaxation and yoga.

Got a diagnosis.  Central Pain Syndrome.  Its a diagnosis of exclusion.  something in my brain is misinterpreting healthy signals as pain.  No cure.  But, Hospice is involved and I'm on Decagon - a steroid - and it seems to actually be helping a bit.  At least, I've gone up from 2 mg to 8 mg with no negative side effects whatsoever.  Trying not to get my hopes up too high.

Love our new house.
Tim is the best!!!

Traveled to FL twice this year.  Monica's wedding and then in Aug to the Rempe reunion.

Stopped driving completely in mid-summer.  Seemed to risky.  Scares Tim & me.

Tim's folks visited.  Hadn't seen them in 2 years.  Good visit.

Don't see Dr. Q anymore but, we keep in touch.

Still struggle with feeling isolated sometimes but, the job is great for me and I really have pulled my family in around me as my close friends.

I am adapting and surviving.  Still don't know how or why this happened to me, but if I have to live with this pain, I will try not to suffer from it.

Life is monumentally better than it was 10 months ago.  I am happy.  I am in almost constant pain but - I am happy.

Maybe I should write more often.

7/3/06

Last week was horrible.  I felt like I was going to die.  Actually die.  I couldn't even sit and work.  I could barely bather and feed myself.  One night I slept 14 hours, the next 12 hours.  The bad severe pain flare lasted 5 solid days with no relief but then I could finally walk again.  How funny it is to be grateful to be able to walk with a cane.  I had a nightmare that I could never get out of my wheelchair again.

Sometime I have a hard time even watching TV because theres all these commercials for vacations and stuff and it just feels like a personal jab "you can't do this".  It makes me sad.  Not angry.  Not jealous.  Sad.  And I feel boring.  I'm not even interesting to myself, how can I possibly be interesting to Tim?  I feel depressed.  I feel disappointed.

6/24/06

I am writing because Dr. Q. (my psychologist) said I should.  I don't want to really because I know it will upset me and be painful to do.  I guess I need to experience these painful times.

I've not been very good about the relaxation CK.  She wants me to do it two times a day but I haven't.  For some reason, I cant make myself do ti.  I am so tired of hurting.  I'm exhausted from it.  I can't bear to think about the next day of my life.  I only get to live in the present.  It breaks my heart.  This problem has robbed me of my job, my chosen field of study, co college degree, my sense of independence, my ability to make new friends, my willingness to travel to my family.  So much has changed because of it.  I feel irrevocable changed.  Even if I am better tomorrow.  I feel old.  And I'm not old.  I do reports each day for people who are much older than me and have actual definitive things wrong with their bodies and I find myself feeling a small sense of - well at least they know whats wrong with them.  Why do I hurt?  And why doesn't anyone seem interested in figuring it out?  How is it possible?  What if I am really sick?  What if they've missed something and I'm really sick and I'm not being treated.  I'm so scared.  It hurts even to write this.  I try hard not to complain.  I know no one wants to hear it, especially Tim.  He already knows I hurt, he doesn't need to hear it every time.

I want to focus on the positive now.  I have Tim and he loves me and I love him.  I love where I live.  My family is well.  I am so blessed.  I have to keep telling myself that I don't think I'm in denial, either.  My life is way better than lots of folks .  But, my situation does suck and I'm sick of it.  I hate being so helpless.  I hate hurting.  Its not building any character.  It sucks and there's no end in sight.

2/22/06

I passed my test!  What a relief.  Got it back yesterday.  Made an 84.  I feel like such a weight has been lifted knowing I will be able to work soon.  C. I. is going to help me with job placement next week.  I feel like life can maybe move forward again instead of being on hold.  Yay!!

2/14/06

It's Valentines Day.  I feel up today.  Slept good last night.  Tim brought me flowers last night.  They're so pretty.  A mixed bouquet.

Grandma Martin just called me.  It was good to talk to her.  Hard to believe I'm writing that.  She and I almost never had a good conversation until I've gotten sick.  She says she's excited to see me in April.

Yesterday, I sent Logan his scarf.

And I took my film rolls to the photo lab.  I'm cheating on my photo project and I don't even feel bad at all about it.  I just want it over.  don't care about the grade.

Just called Mom - I'm so blessed to have such a good family.

I had a phone evaluation with a psychologist who specializes in pain disorders and she does not think my problem is psychological so it was nice to have a professional opinion.  She doesn't think its anything from my past causing me this pain.

I haven't gone to see any counselor or psychologist yet.  Don't want to spend the money.

Evy wants to be fed - shes all over me.  But its not lunchtime yet.

Gave myself a haircut this a.m.  Short

The longer it takes for my exam results to come back, the more nervous I get about it.
I have turned to recovering alcoholics prayers like Just For Today.  It does help me to just concentrate on getting through one day at a t