Feeling fairly foolish recently as I thought I understood why I had this resurgence of symptoms and that I could predict with some certainty that it was finite based on weather events. Well, the weather did change and for the 2 sunny days we had, I got much worse. So, I'm back to figuring out how not to be angry at the loss. Coping with symptoms as I try to maintain adequate of care for self, home, little family. I need to be and feel responsible for some tasks. That responsiblity is often denied to those who are chronically ill, and it is a huge element in heading towards depression. "If nobody counts on me for anything, then I guess I'm not able to be accountable." So, as I fight off negative thoughts today, grateful that I am maintaining a teeeny- tiny role in volunteering. Grateful that I had a part in rescuing 4 cats from a shelter. Grateful to know that as those 4 lives go on to influence other lives, I had a bit part in the play. Its the gratitude I've got to continue to wear. (Wish I could still crochet, I would make myself a lei to wear representing things I'm grateful for.) I know from experience that's the only way to really stay above the negative self-talk.
The truth is that my symptoms have not been so severe since 2017. Fact. Also, true is the fact that humans are biologically designed to forget what pain feels like, or women would never have more than 1 baby. So, pain is always disturbingly new. Fact. I do not have any way to know how long this period will last. Fact. It is not safe for me to drive or make decisions. Fact. I have built a network of supportive friends around myself. Fact. I am still seeing the most important specialist, my psychiatrist, and in fact see him this week. Fact. The suffering is minimal. Fact. The discomfort, pain and confusion are always present when I'm awake. Fact. I can pick up my phone and reach out for support at any time. Fact.
So, there's some of the facts laid out. I must get comfortable again with a lot of uncertainty. My Savior will assist me in that as always. He will carry what I cannot. He will assure those I love that my heart is still true, though my ability to communicate it is lacking. It is not for me to hold guilt. That is not part of my journey. My journey with this illness might be for me to finally understand that I do not understand it. That it's not for me to know, just to live with.
At this point, I'm not even sure if I make sense. Need some rest.
My blessings surround me and I'm still very able to identify them. Gotta keep that up.
May you identify yours too.
Marie
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