I am feeling uneasy these days. I'm not sure why but, I think it has to do with my spouse being home all the time while he finds new work. Things feel out of sync. Sleep is different, what I expect myself to do daily is different. Different in a not positive way, too. I think that once there is a job, a steady place to go for x hours each day, that will solve it for both of us. He is starting to feel antsy. And, I am just trying to keep it together. I am craving some of my solitude again. I don't know if solitude is actually the proper descriptor, since I always have the company of my critters, but you know what I mean. I have grown to love my alone time. Now, like everything on the planet, there can be too much of a good thing. When that happens, I rouse myself and make a change. I have just a few friends I keep contact with, and chat with a few people on the phone. But, being with another person all the time, that is harder for me to get used to this time around. Previously, I've been more adaptable. Now, I just feel exhausted. Exhausted doesn't go with the other issues I've got on my plate. It's sort of like pouring a half cup of water on a lovely plate of food. It turns something I recognize and know how to cope with into a mess I'm not sure how to handle.
My migraines are still under beautiful control. I do still get a mild pressure headache mid-day most days but, it is so small and slow in building that my medicine works for it. The bittersweet is that now that they are no longer plaguing me, I am spending days in my wheelchair again. The pain in my body is blossoming and doing small things like folding a t-shirt are now again actually a pretty major task. One set of problems seems to have been solved, only to make more room for the other set to rejuvenate. So, I am frustrated. Coping with that.
I'm thankful that I recognize the difficult position I'm in and I don't just lash out at those I love in my frustration. I never want to be that person. Thankful that I know, like everything, that this will pass.
Have happy days.
There was a time that Stan and I were both between jobs. I used to believe we were the only couple in the world who could spend 24 hours a day together and not want to scream at the end of it. We worked at the same company 3 desks down from each other, we had the same hours and were seemingly always together. I didn't realize that a major part of our being together involved other people that we had grown to love as part of our extended family. Yes, we were together 24 hours a day, but we got a break in that we always had others to talk to. At home, he had his computer for his "out" at the end of the day, and I had my books. When we both found ourselves between jobs I thought we could handle spending every waking moment together...WRONG!!! By the time he had been downsized, I still had not found a job, no matter how hard I looked, but I always had a clean house, dinner on the table , the check book balanced. We both took each other for granted and didn't truly appreciate the others' contribution. I started spending a lot more time on the computer. Stan refused to look for work so long as he was getting unemployment and I kept the house clean and him fed. I didn't leave unless I had a job interview. With no income, I didn't want to waste gas, no matter how much I wanted to just get some air and get away from him. I realize he was going through a mild form of depression. It was the first time he had ever been forced out of a job. He likes a rut, even if he hates the job. He saw his job as a secure income and because he was salaried , he made his own hours so he was always home by 4. Within a month, I had found a new job, but , instead of coming home to a clean house and dinner, I came home to him sitting in the computer room playing the same game he was playing when I left him that morning. He had not looked for a job, hadn't moved from that spot unless he had to go to the bathroom, and rarely showered. This went on from May to September. I MADE him get a job. I stood behind him while he applied to Comcast. On the day of the interview he refused to go and threw every excuse from feeling like crap to no gas in the car. I truly gave him an ultimatum. If he wanted to stay unemployed, he would stay it without me. The air condition was broken and Indiana was going through a heat wave...that did not help the situation. It was about 94 and humid outside and over 104 in our home, and our boys were in Pennsylvania. I told him that if we did not fix the a/c, I would be getting a hotel room. He said "we can't afford a hotel room" I told him that I didn't say he was going with me. As much as we love our husbands, too much of a good thing can be trying on the most patient of wives. I relish my alone time...when I get it...Keep your chin up, and know you both are in my prayers every night. Love you SO much. God Bless
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