Our family has moved house. We've been here 4 days now. The layout of the house complemented by it's mature backyard trees allows me to actually enjoy looking out windows, something I haven't been able to enjoy doing since I got sick. I don't tolerate unfiltered, glaring sunlight. Here, I have a view of my lovely landscaped backyard all day which doesn't even show me she sky unless I go out onto the patio. Every bit of light is filtered before it gets to me. To me, enjoying the backyard view is like the most beautiful garden ever. I didn't even realize how much I missed seeing grass and trees and flowers. Our home is very near a large lake, so there is a breeze often. Yesterday I could sit out in the afternoon even though it was 90 degrees because I was in such deep shade and there was a breeze. It was, it is lovely. I continue to feel very, very blessed.
I am going to try to take my time unpacking and do it at a pace I can handle rather than the pace I'd like to do it at, the let's just get it done pace.
Oscar and Evy are adapting well. Kitty hasn't missed litterboxes yet. The yard is chock full of birds and squirrels, which is new for him but, he is actually much quieter here than at the previous house.
I have ventured out for only one dog walk, which I did in the chair. We didn't go very far, maybe 15 minutes away from home, and turned around. I do look forward to a time when I am more ambulatory, and my legs are more reliable so I can walk him through the new neighborhood without anxiety about how long I'll last and if I'll make it back home. It is a gorgeous neighborhood, to me.
I spent the first day alone here checking and re-locking the doors multiple times. I didn't do it as much the second day, and today I haven't done it at all. It is a larger house and quite spread out, so, I do think it will take me some time to feel settled here.
I look forward to finding a new pilates class. I look forward to getting my own transportation independence, but that will take a little more than a month. Forms must be filled out by a doctor, and a new doctor must be found , etc.
Many new opportunities exist for us. New church, possibility, new knitting circle, possibility, new library stuff to do, possibility. I know the Lord will continue to be with me and strengthen me when I feel humanly weak.
My spouse is happy at his new job and even happier with his new commute. He said last evening that he enjoyed the train ride, he could close his eyes and relax.
Such gratitude for the transition so far. Such thankfulness for the support and prayers of those who love us. Gratitude that even headaches continue to be manageable even when they grow to migraine level. I am no longer disabled by the severity of them.
Have happy, happy days
Marie
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Saturday, May 21, 2016
The Root, and the Incident
This will be short because I am profoundly weak. Too weak to really sit up for long and type. Two pieces of big news. I found out that I have a MTHFR genetic mutation, and that is the reason I have fibromyalgia. Nothing I did. Nothing I didn't do. Nothing I'm responsible for. Nothing I brought on myself. Just in my DNA, as is brown hair and German, and many other things. Not nearly enough mental energy now to begin explaining it. But, I would have gotten this no matter what I did.
Second, this morning I had to be rescued by a stranger, again. I haven't been at the mercy of the world for some years now but, it happened today and it has shaken me. I was walking the dog, using my cane, and simply underestimated my ability. I sat down on the sidewalk twice for short rests. On the third time, I knew I wouldn't be getting back up. An older man walking his dog found me lying on the sidewalk and walked back to my house (only 5 houses up the hill, I could see it) to get my husband, whose cell phone was off. I can't fully explain how vulnerable a position that is. I might as well have been a newborn, except that I could communicate. I was too weak to stand when Tim got there. Have been since, about 3 hours ago. Had a small cry, got support from a friend. It's upsetting, needing to rely on strangers. For any who wonder how God gives his provisions for us, it is in these people who step up and help. It is not in money or power or security. It is in service to those in need.
Gratitude that I listened to my body closely enough and did not allow it to fall and become injured. Further gratitude for those who care for me, even if it is only for 5 minutes this morning. Thank you Lord.
Have happy days.
M
Second, this morning I had to be rescued by a stranger, again. I haven't been at the mercy of the world for some years now but, it happened today and it has shaken me. I was walking the dog, using my cane, and simply underestimated my ability. I sat down on the sidewalk twice for short rests. On the third time, I knew I wouldn't be getting back up. An older man walking his dog found me lying on the sidewalk and walked back to my house (only 5 houses up the hill, I could see it) to get my husband, whose cell phone was off. I can't fully explain how vulnerable a position that is. I might as well have been a newborn, except that I could communicate. I was too weak to stand when Tim got there. Have been since, about 3 hours ago. Had a small cry, got support from a friend. It's upsetting, needing to rely on strangers. For any who wonder how God gives his provisions for us, it is in these people who step up and help. It is not in money or power or security. It is in service to those in need.
Gratitude that I listened to my body closely enough and did not allow it to fall and become injured. Further gratitude for those who care for me, even if it is only for 5 minutes this morning. Thank you Lord.
Have happy days.
M
Friday, May 6, 2016
Feeling good in May
I don't have much complaining to do this morning. T is back at work, satisfied with his new job. The commute time is a bear but, it is doable for the next month. He takes a train for most of it, so it isn't a stressful commute, at least. I am enjoying my quiet house and my time with myself and God. Also, the critters. Slowly and surely packing my house up. Poor Oscar, who grew up in this house from a puppy, knows something is up, but doesn't know what. I've taken all the curtains down and washed and packed them. Yesterday, he just sat in the living room and watched me and let out a bark about every 2 minutes. "Um, why are you doing that? What's going on and does it include me?" All day he asked this. Well, he did take a break for nap time, which I'm grateful for. I've been getting up at 6ish to spend some time with T in the mornings before he goes in, so nap time is again a must in my day. It feels good to have a schedule again.
Trying to help him out further by mowing the lawn. It is something he can do in 30 minutes. So, yesterday morning, it took me at least 30 minutes to do the front and one side. Today, in another half hour or so when the dew is dry, I'll tackle the backyard and the other side. It is pretty hard on my body, taking in all that vibration. Feels like I've stuck all my fingers in electric sockets. One of those things that I have to forcibly take my mind off how it feels and focus on doing the actual task, or I would never be able to endure it.
It is telling, all the stuff we surround ourselves with to make these boxes feel personal, like our homes. I can observe my growth by seeing what I move from place to place. I can let things go, or decide it's not time yet. Thinking of so many lovely objects, for me it is okay if they are somewhere else, like a store or a museum, a place where I can go see them, but they don't crowd my space. As I grow older, the less stuff I want around me. My poor mind feels so sluggish sometimes, and I know one sure way to help it's clarity is to keep unnecessary items to a minimum. That being said, I do have a sentimental heart. Maybe the thing to do at my new house is to just unpack some of the stuff, or do it slowly instead of all at once. It's just that I like looking at my stuff. Even though I don't have a lot of it, what I do have, I've kept for a reason. Maybe I'll just photograph some of it, that way I can have it in my memory, but not have to keep the actual things..... we'll see.
I took a big step the other day and sent in a sample for my DNA to be tested. I am trying to find out if I have a specific gene mutation. If I do, it is in fact the cause of my illness. That is huge. To uncover the reason I have fibromyalgia. It is almost too big for me to take in because for so long I've just had to live with it, whatever the reason. It is a genetic flaw that has to do with the body's ability to absorb folate. It is called MTHFR mutation. It is a defect in the fundamental chemistry of how our cells grow and work. It can be blamed for many, many diseases, from heart disease, to thyroid cancer, to diabetes, to depression. And, if I have it, which I think I do, it is why I have fibromyalgia. If this turns out to be true, the personal relief for me, even though I didn't think I held myself responsible for getting sick, is going to be monumental. I didn't realize it until I put it in the mailbox the other day. But I thought, just out of nowhere, "this might not be my fault after all". I still carry around the wonder about what I did to make this happen to me. I still think back and wonder, maybe if I'd been more careful, if I hadn't fallen that day at work, if this, if that, I wouldn't have gotten sick. I wouldn't have lost so much. If I can blame it on a genetic building block at a cellular level, I will feel weightless.
The tragi piercings continue to keep my migraines at bay. A sweeter sentence never was written.
Well I have delayed the lawn mowing project long enough. Time to tackle. I hope I can move after.
With such a grateful heart for all the abundance in my life, from clean water to proper sewage to my sweet provider with his horrid commute, I am happy. My knee really hurts but, I am so happy.
Trying to help him out further by mowing the lawn. It is something he can do in 30 minutes. So, yesterday morning, it took me at least 30 minutes to do the front and one side. Today, in another half hour or so when the dew is dry, I'll tackle the backyard and the other side. It is pretty hard on my body, taking in all that vibration. Feels like I've stuck all my fingers in electric sockets. One of those things that I have to forcibly take my mind off how it feels and focus on doing the actual task, or I would never be able to endure it.
It is telling, all the stuff we surround ourselves with to make these boxes feel personal, like our homes. I can observe my growth by seeing what I move from place to place. I can let things go, or decide it's not time yet. Thinking of so many lovely objects, for me it is okay if they are somewhere else, like a store or a museum, a place where I can go see them, but they don't crowd my space. As I grow older, the less stuff I want around me. My poor mind feels so sluggish sometimes, and I know one sure way to help it's clarity is to keep unnecessary items to a minimum. That being said, I do have a sentimental heart. Maybe the thing to do at my new house is to just unpack some of the stuff, or do it slowly instead of all at once. It's just that I like looking at my stuff. Even though I don't have a lot of it, what I do have, I've kept for a reason. Maybe I'll just photograph some of it, that way I can have it in my memory, but not have to keep the actual things..... we'll see.
I took a big step the other day and sent in a sample for my DNA to be tested. I am trying to find out if I have a specific gene mutation. If I do, it is in fact the cause of my illness. That is huge. To uncover the reason I have fibromyalgia. It is almost too big for me to take in because for so long I've just had to live with it, whatever the reason. It is a genetic flaw that has to do with the body's ability to absorb folate. It is called MTHFR mutation. It is a defect in the fundamental chemistry of how our cells grow and work. It can be blamed for many, many diseases, from heart disease, to thyroid cancer, to diabetes, to depression. And, if I have it, which I think I do, it is why I have fibromyalgia. If this turns out to be true, the personal relief for me, even though I didn't think I held myself responsible for getting sick, is going to be monumental. I didn't realize it until I put it in the mailbox the other day. But I thought, just out of nowhere, "this might not be my fault after all". I still carry around the wonder about what I did to make this happen to me. I still think back and wonder, maybe if I'd been more careful, if I hadn't fallen that day at work, if this, if that, I wouldn't have gotten sick. I wouldn't have lost so much. If I can blame it on a genetic building block at a cellular level, I will feel weightless.
The tragi piercings continue to keep my migraines at bay. A sweeter sentence never was written.
Well I have delayed the lawn mowing project long enough. Time to tackle. I hope I can move after.
With such a grateful heart for all the abundance in my life, from clean water to proper sewage to my sweet provider with his horrid commute, I am happy. My knee really hurts but, I am so happy.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Short update
We are moving to a town about 80 minutes east of where we now live. Closing on the new house will happen sometime in the beginning of June, probably. Move in later that month. This will give hubby a very reasonable commute. Bittersweet to leave this home of the last 5 years, the friends we've made here.
My migraines continue to be ABSENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Glorious Lord, thank you! I wish I'd known about this piercing remedy long, long ago. If you know anybody who suffers migraines, please advise that this helps.
I am in a renewed swamp of fibro fog and pain. Neither feels as severe as they might be but, still difficult to live with. And my home is in a state of being packed which is going to mean automatic stress for me for a while.
Grateful for new chapters and optimism.
Have happy days,
M
My migraines continue to be ABSENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Glorious Lord, thank you! I wish I'd known about this piercing remedy long, long ago. If you know anybody who suffers migraines, please advise that this helps.
I am in a renewed swamp of fibro fog and pain. Neither feels as severe as they might be but, still difficult to live with. And my home is in a state of being packed which is going to mean automatic stress for me for a while.
Grateful for new chapters and optimism.
Have happy days,
M
Monday, April 4, 2016
State of flux
I am feeling uneasy these days. I'm not sure why but, I think it has to do with my spouse being home all the time while he finds new work. Things feel out of sync. Sleep is different, what I expect myself to do daily is different. Different in a not positive way, too. I think that once there is a job, a steady place to go for x hours each day, that will solve it for both of us. He is starting to feel antsy. And, I am just trying to keep it together. I am craving some of my solitude again. I don't know if solitude is actually the proper descriptor, since I always have the company of my critters, but you know what I mean. I have grown to love my alone time. Now, like everything on the planet, there can be too much of a good thing. When that happens, I rouse myself and make a change. I have just a few friends I keep contact with, and chat with a few people on the phone. But, being with another person all the time, that is harder for me to get used to this time around. Previously, I've been more adaptable. Now, I just feel exhausted. Exhausted doesn't go with the other issues I've got on my plate. It's sort of like pouring a half cup of water on a lovely plate of food. It turns something I recognize and know how to cope with into a mess I'm not sure how to handle.
My migraines are still under beautiful control. I do still get a mild pressure headache mid-day most days but, it is so small and slow in building that my medicine works for it. The bittersweet is that now that they are no longer plaguing me, I am spending days in my wheelchair again. The pain in my body is blossoming and doing small things like folding a t-shirt are now again actually a pretty major task. One set of problems seems to have been solved, only to make more room for the other set to rejuvenate. So, I am frustrated. Coping with that.
I'm thankful that I recognize the difficult position I'm in and I don't just lash out at those I love in my frustration. I never want to be that person. Thankful that I know, like everything, that this will pass.
Have happy days.
My migraines are still under beautiful control. I do still get a mild pressure headache mid-day most days but, it is so small and slow in building that my medicine works for it. The bittersweet is that now that they are no longer plaguing me, I am spending days in my wheelchair again. The pain in my body is blossoming and doing small things like folding a t-shirt are now again actually a pretty major task. One set of problems seems to have been solved, only to make more room for the other set to rejuvenate. So, I am frustrated. Coping with that.
I'm thankful that I recognize the difficult position I'm in and I don't just lash out at those I love in my frustration. I never want to be that person. Thankful that I know, like everything, that this will pass.
Have happy days.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
My metal miracles
So, March 15, 2016 is a remarkable date in the history of my life.
I got a toradol shot, emergency style, 2 days ago which did not touch my migraine pain. If it did, it was not enough for me to notice and the agony I was in did not abate. I reached out to some of the support groups I'm in to see what others experience with these shots have been. I was informed and guided into daith piercing, which I had never heard of. It is a specific fold making up the outer ear. I read as much as my smashed up brain would allow that evening about the piercing and figured I had nothing to lose by trying. On Yelp, I found the highest rated tattoo place in my area which was also, ironically closest to my home. Piercings, $20 each. I didn't really have the mental capacity to be worried or scared. On the ride there, I wore 2 pair of sunglasses and kept my cloth hat over my face to protect myself from daylight. I prayed "God, please just give me a peircer who really, really knows what they are doing and have compassion for me." We, Tim and I, arrived at our first tattoo shop inside of 10 minutes. I was clearly in agony and the piercer, Mitzi brought all the paperwork to me to sign. When we got back into the piercing room, she told me that if I was doing this for severe headache relief, she highly recommend I do the tragus instead of the daith. Since I had no expertise from which to draw, I let God guide the situation and said, "If you think that is better." She explained that the daith, while being a pressure point that does relieve headaches, it is a more minor point than the tragus pressure point. So, on we went. I was laying down and she did the right first. It felt like mostly a lot of pressure. Not pain at all in relation to how my head felt. Then she went to the left. So, who knows why, but on this side, thank God I was holding Tim's hand or I might have writhed physically from the pain. I did see stars from the sudden pain shock. It felt like some concussions I have had, only prolonged for about the count of 5 or so. Agony, no dressing it up. But, here is the thing. Inside of 30 seconds, I was able to sit up with my headache having gone from an 8 to about a 5. I could take my hat off and look around with just one pair of glasses on. I could speak clearly and articulately. It felt like someone had just pulled a plug on my migraine and it lost it's power.
When I got home, I did take an NSAID for the dull ache of my ear that was beginning and it was important to keep any swelling or inflammation at bay. As the afternooon went on, my headache continued to abate. Several times I wanted to cry with joy at the miracle of it. But, I did not, not wanting to the the remaining headache any fuel. By the time I went to sleep...... my headache was GONE. At a 0. Entirely and completely gone. With no medication. With no side effects. For $40 bucks.
Today, I rode to Dallas with Tim to keep him company on his way there for a job interview. I wore my hat and one pair of shades, like a regular person. I enjoyed thoroughly the glorious spring day in Texas. We were gone a few hours and I still feel entirely well, headache-wise.
If you've never had a migraine, I'm going to try to relate what this day and a half have felt like. When I went into the shop there was a super heavy-duty length of chain wrapped around my skull being tightened from both ends like a tug of war by two invisible teams. When she did the right side, one team let their end slack. When she did the left, both ends of the chain were dropped and the chain began to fall away. As the day wore on, the rest of the chain fell off of my head onto the ground, to be left behind. If you can imagine that, you're pretty close to the reason I feel like I have two little metal miracles in my ears now.
I got a toradol shot, emergency style, 2 days ago which did not touch my migraine pain. If it did, it was not enough for me to notice and the agony I was in did not abate. I reached out to some of the support groups I'm in to see what others experience with these shots have been. I was informed and guided into daith piercing, which I had never heard of. It is a specific fold making up the outer ear. I read as much as my smashed up brain would allow that evening about the piercing and figured I had nothing to lose by trying. On Yelp, I found the highest rated tattoo place in my area which was also, ironically closest to my home. Piercings, $20 each. I didn't really have the mental capacity to be worried or scared. On the ride there, I wore 2 pair of sunglasses and kept my cloth hat over my face to protect myself from daylight. I prayed "God, please just give me a peircer who really, really knows what they are doing and have compassion for me." We, Tim and I, arrived at our first tattoo shop inside of 10 minutes. I was clearly in agony and the piercer, Mitzi brought all the paperwork to me to sign. When we got back into the piercing room, she told me that if I was doing this for severe headache relief, she highly recommend I do the tragus instead of the daith. Since I had no expertise from which to draw, I let God guide the situation and said, "If you think that is better." She explained that the daith, while being a pressure point that does relieve headaches, it is a more minor point than the tragus pressure point. So, on we went. I was laying down and she did the right first. It felt like mostly a lot of pressure. Not pain at all in relation to how my head felt. Then she went to the left. So, who knows why, but on this side, thank God I was holding Tim's hand or I might have writhed physically from the pain. I did see stars from the sudden pain shock. It felt like some concussions I have had, only prolonged for about the count of 5 or so. Agony, no dressing it up. But, here is the thing. Inside of 30 seconds, I was able to sit up with my headache having gone from an 8 to about a 5. I could take my hat off and look around with just one pair of glasses on. I could speak clearly and articulately. It felt like someone had just pulled a plug on my migraine and it lost it's power.
When I got home, I did take an NSAID for the dull ache of my ear that was beginning and it was important to keep any swelling or inflammation at bay. As the afternooon went on, my headache continued to abate. Several times I wanted to cry with joy at the miracle of it. But, I did not, not wanting to the the remaining headache any fuel. By the time I went to sleep...... my headache was GONE. At a 0. Entirely and completely gone. With no medication. With no side effects. For $40 bucks.
Today, I rode to Dallas with Tim to keep him company on his way there for a job interview. I wore my hat and one pair of shades, like a regular person. I enjoyed thoroughly the glorious spring day in Texas. We were gone a few hours and I still feel entirely well, headache-wise.
If you've never had a migraine, I'm going to try to relate what this day and a half have felt like. When I went into the shop there was a super heavy-duty length of chain wrapped around my skull being tightened from both ends like a tug of war by two invisible teams. When she did the right side, one team let their end slack. When she did the left, both ends of the chain were dropped and the chain began to fall away. As the day wore on, the rest of the chain fell off of my head onto the ground, to be left behind. If you can imagine that, you're pretty close to the reason I feel like I have two little metal miracles in my ears now.
I had a friend over last weekend who had brain surgery and now has 4 electrodes permanently implanted in her brain and an electrical tube running down her spine to a battery power supply implanted in her hip. She did this for migraine relief. It's called the Omega procedure. Invasive brain surgery. And I was thinking about it. I was on that path. But now, here I sit, happy as a clam, if clams are happy, with my new pierced tragi. My new favorite word. Tragi.
If I have ever felt more blessed, I cannot remember it.
Have happy, happy days.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Change in life
I have an article on my refrigerator entitled 5 Ways Having Fibromyalgia Makes You Awesome that I read every few days to remind myself of my "superhero-ness". (I have a migraine right now that feels like it could literally light me on fire if the wind blew the right way, so my communication ability may be limited.)
I'm waiting on call backs from 2 doctors today that I HAVE to get because, tomorrow is the last day I have insurance. My medicare probably won't kick in until April 1 according to the nice Social Security lady. I could have dealt with this anytime last 2 weeks since Tim's layoff but, the migraines abated. The weather was lousy for so many days in a row. No sunshine. And, headaches were both less frequent and less severe. Yesterday, finally we got a sunshiny gorgeous day and WHAM. I feel like I laid my head down and let a semi run it over a couple times. Yeah. That bad.
So, anyway, I now don't have any meds to rescue me from one nor can I go to sleep with this kind of pain, because I took the last of that drug yesterday, so here I am.
The little article linked says that I adapt well to change, its #4. To that I say, what is the option? The way that some fibro pain works for some of us is like this. It travels. It feels like it is in my bloodstream and just every now and then, there's an explosion. It can go from my elbow, to my knee, to my eyeball, to my toe and then my tooth inside of 2 minutes. I swear this is not exaggeration. And rarely is the last location done before the next starts, that is if I'm granted only one- at- a- timers. I won't even go in to multiple site incidents. Just imagine for a moment that someone stabbed you directly in your eyeball, say about 5 times. And now add to that invisible person #2 who, on the 5th eyeball stab from the first guy, began stabbing your toe 8 times. Either one of those would floor any of us, on our best days. Our brains become overloaded with the shock of the pain of it. Well, that's why I don't talk so good sometimes. It's why I don't drive. It's why I don't work and I can't be relied upon to make decisions. This kind of thing is an entirely spontaneous occurrence in my body.
Human beings love stability, security. We seek it from the time we are young. We find what feels good and comfortable and familiar, and we want to STAY there. We resist changing. It's why habits are so hard to break. It's why loss of loved ones is so catastrophic and why divorces or job losses are major life events that can set folks on a tragic spiral downward. Change sucks, we're taught. But, I have had to re-learn lessons about change. I have had to give it a second chance and let it prove to me that it doesn't suck. I am in a situation where I must hold it's hand, if you will. (Saying I'm stuck with it is so negative.) I do not know from moment to moment, quite literally, if some invisible, unexplainable, stabby, ice-pick pain will pierce my body, or which part of my body, or for how long. I just know that it is likely. I also know that I have survived it every time so far. It isn't fun. Sometimes it makes me scream out loud, which can be embarrassing if I'm in public. That kind of uncertainty is a ginormous bag to carry around. I have been blessed that I am finally able to be brave enough to let Christ carry mine. Now, I just live with the fact that I have no idea what lies ahead in the next 5 minutes, the next hour, the next week, but I do know that how I feel will likely vary greatly and possibly to an extreme which feels unthinkable. Also, I know that whatever else changes in my world, even if my flesh should perish, (and my brains begin to seep out my ears which feels like it could happen at any second) the one and only thing which will never change is His love for me and His promise to never abandon me. It is simply that which keeps me riding the waves of all the other changes. So, the article gives me kudos for adapting well to it. But, to it I say, how can I not?
As my spouse searches for a new job for the first time in 18 or 19 years, as I navigate changing from private health insurance to Medicare, as we roll through daily life and I hide from the sunshine, which I seem to be allergic to, I give thanks that we are together. I give thanks that I keep surviving, and that if only one person benefits from these words, I feel I haven't wasted my time. I give thanks that I know it is not my job to understand. It is His.
I'm waiting on call backs from 2 doctors today that I HAVE to get because, tomorrow is the last day I have insurance. My medicare probably won't kick in until April 1 according to the nice Social Security lady. I could have dealt with this anytime last 2 weeks since Tim's layoff but, the migraines abated. The weather was lousy for so many days in a row. No sunshine. And, headaches were both less frequent and less severe. Yesterday, finally we got a sunshiny gorgeous day and WHAM. I feel like I laid my head down and let a semi run it over a couple times. Yeah. That bad.
So, anyway, I now don't have any meds to rescue me from one nor can I go to sleep with this kind of pain, because I took the last of that drug yesterday, so here I am.
The little article linked says that I adapt well to change, its #4. To that I say, what is the option? The way that some fibro pain works for some of us is like this. It travels. It feels like it is in my bloodstream and just every now and then, there's an explosion. It can go from my elbow, to my knee, to my eyeball, to my toe and then my tooth inside of 2 minutes. I swear this is not exaggeration. And rarely is the last location done before the next starts, that is if I'm granted only one- at- a- timers. I won't even go in to multiple site incidents. Just imagine for a moment that someone stabbed you directly in your eyeball, say about 5 times. And now add to that invisible person #2 who, on the 5th eyeball stab from the first guy, began stabbing your toe 8 times. Either one of those would floor any of us, on our best days. Our brains become overloaded with the shock of the pain of it. Well, that's why I don't talk so good sometimes. It's why I don't drive. It's why I don't work and I can't be relied upon to make decisions. This kind of thing is an entirely spontaneous occurrence in my body.
Human beings love stability, security. We seek it from the time we are young. We find what feels good and comfortable and familiar, and we want to STAY there. We resist changing. It's why habits are so hard to break. It's why loss of loved ones is so catastrophic and why divorces or job losses are major life events that can set folks on a tragic spiral downward. Change sucks, we're taught. But, I have had to re-learn lessons about change. I have had to give it a second chance and let it prove to me that it doesn't suck. I am in a situation where I must hold it's hand, if you will. (Saying I'm stuck with it is so negative.) I do not know from moment to moment, quite literally, if some invisible, unexplainable, stabby, ice-pick pain will pierce my body, or which part of my body, or for how long. I just know that it is likely. I also know that I have survived it every time so far. It isn't fun. Sometimes it makes me scream out loud, which can be embarrassing if I'm in public. That kind of uncertainty is a ginormous bag to carry around. I have been blessed that I am finally able to be brave enough to let Christ carry mine. Now, I just live with the fact that I have no idea what lies ahead in the next 5 minutes, the next hour, the next week, but I do know that how I feel will likely vary greatly and possibly to an extreme which feels unthinkable. Also, I know that whatever else changes in my world, even if my flesh should perish, (and my brains begin to seep out my ears which feels like it could happen at any second) the one and only thing which will never change is His love for me and His promise to never abandon me. It is simply that which keeps me riding the waves of all the other changes. So, the article gives me kudos for adapting well to it. But, to it I say, how can I not?
As my spouse searches for a new job for the first time in 18 or 19 years, as I navigate changing from private health insurance to Medicare, as we roll through daily life and I hide from the sunshine, which I seem to be allergic to, I give thanks that we are together. I give thanks that I keep surviving, and that if only one person benefits from these words, I feel I haven't wasted my time. I give thanks that I know it is not my job to understand. It is His.
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