Tears from joy, my beauty secret

https://www.facebook.com/StevenJoTV/videos/1188786691150807/?theater

Above is the link to the clip of today's joyful tears.  I love to cry joyful tears, it feels like I'm leaking silk or something.  But, unfortunately, even though I have the life situation to be able to do it anytime, since I don't have to work or raise children, it can bring on a lot of pain.  So, while it feels like the most beautiful gift to be in the presence of the love of the Lord, as the above video made me feel, it also keeps me aware of my challenges and limitations.  It's nice, no, more than nice, to find that my list of blessings and my list of challenges match.  I am.  I try each day to grow closer to Him.  I use the energy I find during each of my days to do what I can to keep myself fed and keep us in clean clothes.  If I have more, I do more.  But, I no longer lament.  I no longer wish.  I no longer yearn.  Instead, I pray.   Really its more like mental chatting than prayer.  I'm not too much into the formal kind, unless my thinking is so impaired that I cannot come up with my own original thoughts.  Then, I always rely on my Hail Marys.

I got one chore done today which I've tried to get done since Christmas.  And I'm happy with it.  New tags for my little essential oil bags on Etsy.  Not a very substantial accomplishment for some out there, but for me quite big, and I'm quite proud.  Others can have different sources of pride.  Every single one of us has a burden.  Mine is physically painful.  I didn't come from a broken home, I have never been homeless or hungry.  I wasn't born into a country at war.  I have a mind that can learn.  I believe in God.  I am not addicted to anything.  (OK, maybe I am addicted to 10 mg of Valium at bedtime.  Can't sleep without it at all nowadays.  Also, addicted to Mozart in the Jungle on Amazon Prime.)  I am stable mentally and emotionally.  Physically, I have taken great care of my body during my life and I enjoy the fact that I look much as I did when I was 30, seventeen years ago.  But, I do live in pain.  That is my thing.  Sure, there are some other things in my past which I have battle scars from to prove my fight.  But, in fact, they are on the blessing list too.  Those battles built me.  These battles now continue to build.  And a video like the one above just gave my skyscraper another floor.  It affirms my life.

Grateful that I have the capacity to love others and to receive love in return.  Grateful for the humility learned by dependence, even if it had to be forced on me.

Have happy happy days

Flux and Lala

Symptoms are in a state of flux, as always.  My super great neuro doc did prescribe a new med for migraines (happens to be the exact mixture of Excedrin Migraine but in prescription strength, including all that caffeine).  The first time I took it, I slept only 4 hours that night.  I need not go on about how much a disaster the next few days were.  And further, it didn't work on the migraines.  I'm a caffeine-free girl.  It doesn't like me, I don't like it.  If we cohabitate, we do so in dark chocolate, and in small doses.  That's it.  So, a few days of the last week were spent in bed with full on big bloomed migraines.  Yesterday, Tim suggested trying the old med again, and what do you know, it worked!  No headache so far today.

I know a woman who has the disease I have and is homeless.  I cannot tell you how my heart hurts for her.  I think of what it takes for me, even within these warm walls and on cushy furniture, to get my body comfortable.  And then I think of the fact that she was living out of her car the last time we saw each other.  That was a couple months ago.  She could no longer work, as many with fibro end up having to stop.  Her children had to go and live with their father in another town.  She literally had nothing coming in to feed herself, there were no medications, etc.  I cannot even get in touch with her because her phone was a pay as you go, and she rarely turned it on in order to save minutes.  No one we mutually know has heard anything from or about her.  Imagine for a moment the sheer despair.  Its like Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane.  She is alone.  She hurts.  She's probably always hungry. There isn't an end to the pain in sight.   I pray for her all the time.    I mean, I have a home, electricity for heat, abundant food and water, a bathroom and bed of my own, medicine, doctors I can pay for, a spouse who supports and understands me and loves me, family who treasure me, friends who check on me.  And, it still takes regular therapy for me to keep my emotional head above water with this bucket of stuff I have.  Can you imagine carrying this bucket without ANY of that?    Please pray for her with me.  Her name is Lala.

Today I'm grateful for the fact that I am not out in the cold winter wind, that I was not impacted by the tornadoes, and that Christ came to save us all.

EDIT:
Lala was in touch with me about a week ago and is living in another state with some family members.  She is not out in the elements, and is even in therapy.  Thank you Lord!

Great Wake Up

So, this morning, I was gifted a wonderful dream.  Instead of describing it, I'm going to just relay its effect on me.  I woke up twice during the dream and was determined to go back to sleep to it, and both times I was successful.  I can remember almost all of it, and I keep bringing it back to the front of my mind, trying to concrete it in long-term memory.  The gist is that I am loved and taken care of in a way infinitely more than my human words can convey, and by someone who is the best parts of me, only  x 1000.  At a distance it can be seen as me being controlled by this someone, but it isn't control as much as it is that my situation is literally ideal for me.  Built and functioning for me.  Populated for me.  Made for me.  A dream that left me with a knowing of God.  A knowing that my faith in Him is what He wants it to be.

I now face this day with such a feeling of being loved that I want to just hug about 100 people.  Well, I have access to no people here and now.  I suppose I could go next door but, I'm not going to.  I have hugged my dog, and I had to give the cat her morning injection so, she's still a bit peeved at me.  I have never been surfing, never ridden a real tangible wave like that.  This feels like I imagine that would feel.  I don't have extra energy, in fact, if I walk the dog at all, it will be a short one.  But I do have extra spirit.  I feel full.  The tank is full.

The true beauty of this is that my day to day life is wrought with constant changes that are sometimes hard to adjust to and can be super frustrating.  With a tank so full, I have fuel to help me endure.  It won't put out fires, but it will aid me in getting to the other side of them.  I will still live with whatever my body throws at me, and the neurons will fire when the neurotransmitters emit, and it will hurt but, in the scope of my life, it is small.  I have a spirit-filled tank today.  And I am so, so grateful.

Praying everyone I love can have at least one similar morning.  And not only have it, but take time to recognize and appreciate it.
Have happy, happy days!

Today's Conudrum

So, yesterday, I didn't get a migraine at all.  Didn't have to medicate for one all day and fell asleep fine.  One of just two headache free days in a long slew of them.  And this morning I notice that, huh, I didn't take any of my regular maintenance medications or vitamins yesterday morning.  Connection?  Very probably.  Today I took them, and I'm going now to medicate for a migraine that started about oh, 3 minutes ago and find the darkest deepest hole into which to climb.  Super fun Thursday!!

Grateful it's just my head aching.  I am walking and talking fine.  Nice to have some things feeling normalish (I don't think normalish is a real word but, since this isn't being graded I figure its ok to use Marievish.  Have happy happy days.  JUST DECIDE TO DO IT.  BE HAPPY.

Oh Headache Tree, Oh Headache Tree

So, I've been in a long-term goal to lose XYZ pounds.  And, triumphantly, have lost X and Y.  Now, having to abandon the altered nutrition.  I am getting at least one migraine a day again.  Unfortunately, there's no way to tell yet what has brought them back.  In my hope that it was simple hunger, I am eating solid food and meat, etc again.  I am making sure that my environment is humidified well.  I am making sure proper naps are had.  Going to bed on time and doing more pilates than was usual for me.  I can't get my hands to grip around an answer.  My medicine is working when I take it.  The onset is so rapid that I don't have any time to drink my pink saltwater remedy.  The issue:  I am prescribed enough medicine to get through 9 headaches a month.  Nine.  I am simply not permitted to have more than that. lol. The insurance company thinks that if that dosage doesn't work, then it is the wrong medicine for me at this time.  (And I would not argue that fact.)  The prospect of me having to change migraine medicine is, let's call it, horrendous.  Not sure if that word really covers it.  Will have to keep thinking about proper adjectives for it.  

Grateful that the medicine I currently have is nipping them for now and that they are not lowering my quality of life dramatically.  Praying, and asking you to pray, that whatever is causing them comes to a close.  

Nov 30 Catch-Up

It has been a long time since I have felt clear-headed enough when the computer was also free for me to write.  (There's some kind of war going on lately whereby my husbands goblin gang roam around looking for treasure, slaying all those in the way....and I guess battles need to be tended to rather immediately...)

Much has happened to me, emotionally at least, in the last several weeks.  I have had some eureka moments which I hope stay with me, even when my fog is very dense.  First, I really do think I am gluten intolerant.  Also, intolerant of additives and preservatives.  I have been on a juice diet for about 3 weeks, beginning the 4th now.  It has helped me lose some more of the pounds I want to whittle away.  I plan to stay on it until the New Year.  I am eating some small solid foods, but trying to really just give my body nutrients it can use more immediately. I am down 20 pounds with only 10 to go by May of next year.  That's within reach.  I am not letting myself get too hungry, that's a sure fire migraine trigger.  So, I'm enjoying that small accomplishment.  It is especially successful since I have accomplished nearly all of it with nutrition change.  I do some pilates a few days a week, but not enough to burn any significant calories.  I'm not in the vigorous exercise category, but the sedentary one, unfortunately.

Second, my symptoms are still moderate, have not gotten severe again for more than a couple days at a time, even though the weather has been cold and wet for about a week.  I don't know if the nutrition change has helped to keep things more balanced so pain isn't triggered, I have no idea why this spell of cold wet weather is treating me ok when some in the past haven't.  I do know one thing, I have only left my home once in the past 4 days and stayed indoors only.  Blessed with warmth and shelter.

A friend suggested a book to me which was fantastic.  I listened to it but, I now want to read it also. It's called The Shack by William P. Young.  It has given me a new and different perspective about my spiritual relationships and what I want my goals to be.  It has pointed out to me once and for all that our human striving for independence (the thing that was stripped from me by this illness) is nearly on the same level as idol worship.  It is not of God.  In fact, the more we try to control whatever in our lives, the more we prove to Him that we don't trust and love Him in the way He wants.  Independence from Him is wrong.  We need to need Him in order for our hearts to open enough to let Him in.  So, I now see that before I got sick, I did seek independence fiercely.  I had been somewhat controlled by others for some years and I was then beginning to do MY thing.  I had MY goals, MY plan and path.  He simply wanted me on His path, to know His plan, in His time.  So, for me to get there, it took stripping me of my independence LITERALLY.  Now, I frequently need help.  Physical, emotional, psychological, logistical, mental, all kinds possible.  And I ask for it when I do.  Or I try to, and I usually accomplish it.  I am deep in the category of needy now.  I need Him.  I need others.  This creates one other beauty, a grateful heart.  When a heart is grateful, it cannot carry anger, resentment, bigotry, whatever is dark.  Grateful hearts know God's love.  They are filled with it and those around them are touched by it.  This is my prayer for my life.  That others know I have a grateful heart and that I want to share God's love with my brothers and sisters.  He loves us all, all of His children.  He loves killers, rapists, bombers, Grannys, girls, boys, teachers, stockbrokers, all of His children.  None He created are unloved.  I'm going to stop now because I'm both unsure if I'm making sense and I don't want to misrepresent or spoil the book if any of you'd like to read it.  It is just a stunning piece of work.

Last Wednesday would have been Monica's 42 birthday.  I was okay most of the day until I saw a beautiful, breathtaking piece of art created of her by our brother.  The water works opened again.
I made and ate a pumpkin cheesecake because I'm told that is what she'd have liked for her b-day.  The real interesting thing is that on the next day, Thanksgiving Day, I felt fine.  I had spoken to everyone I loved and left many messages for others.  So, while war was waging in here on the keyboard, I decided I'd watch Dances with Wolves, having never seen it.  It's an old movie so, I'm not afraid of spoiling... when they murder Two Socks, I lost it.  I cried so hard that it was painful.  I could not stop.  I think I wept for 30 minutes.  Tim came and found me part way into the mess and held me.  I just could not handle the meanness to the innocent.  It crushed me.  I know some of that sadness was leftover from the previous day.  I also know that some of it is the fact that I am drawn to be near my loved ones during the holidays, and I am far away.  I also know that no matter how much I understand why I am now needy, I will still grieve my loss of independence.  And I do.  I surely do.

I must go do something else now, as I can no longer feel my hands or feet from the cold.  Circulation in them is poor, at best.  Also, its lunchtime.  Yay, more juice!!

Grateful for those who love me, really love ME, who I am, who I've been, who I will become.  Grateful for the abundance of the situation in which I live.  Food, shelter, water, heat, all of it.  Truly grateful.  Praying for lots more clear headed days so I can write in full sentences which complete my thoughts, instead of half-thoughts.  I do enjoy this so.

Have lovely days!  Decide to be happy.

Surprisingly Moderate

The weather has been rough here for a few days.  In fact last night there was a tornado warning at 3 am for about 30 min or so.  Weather like that usually creates a combo of symptoms that have me feeling, let's see how to put this, like I've dropped into a conscious coma and been set on fire.  Yes, I think that does it.  So, imagine my surprise and delight at my ability to walk around a bit and do a few chores in a row.  I love moderation.

Bittersweet that the fall used to be my favorite season but now, it really is my most painful one.  I haven't been out to pilates for 2 weeks.  I hope to go tomorrow.  We'll just see how today and tomorrow morning go.

I am still keeping my waking hours as full of pleasant things as I can, although, sometimes pleasant things have a third or fourth row seat to the show that is ME.  And a few days ago I began selling some of my little creations on Etsy which does connect me to the world at large again.  I so miss that connection.  Last week one day I had to reach for my narcotic pain med 3 times, which I've never done in 10 years.  I was actually only out of bed that day for about 30 minutes, in spurts.  This week is better so far.  I try hard not to need to reach for the hydrocodone and I usually succeed.  I can go for many, many months and handle my pain in a way other than pharmaceutical.  I used to see relying on the pain meds as a weakness, or a surrender if you will.  Not anymore.  Not at all for me to judge.  If a person in pain cannot handle it, whether they have tried something else or not, let them have medicine.  The time to talk and think about how to handle pain is not when you're IN the pain.  It has to be when you're in a valley, not a peak.  I have to plan to be in pain.  I have to know what to do, how to think, how to treat myself, how to speak to people so they can understand me.  It's a whole different version of me.  But by the time I get to the peak of the mountain it's too late to expect me to be able to do anything except survive it and follow a rudimentary plan of action.  Some folks might not know how to make a plan.  Some may not realize that a strategy is even necessary or helpful.  And I think they are the ones who do rely so heavily on narcotics.  Further, I feel for them now.  I feel a compassion that was not in me before.  I used to think they took the easy way out.  Really, they are taking the only way out.  The only other way out is a permanent one that we need not address here, in this "joyful and thankful" post.  lol.

My little support group of ladies is made up of 6 of us who all have my illness.  All of us have some extra different disease dangling from the bracelet, if you will.  One has rheumatoid arthritis, one has bipolar, it goes on and on.  Anyway, we haven't been well enough to all meet for a month now and I miss them so.  We meet on Mondays and the texts keep saying "can't get out of bed"  or  "have a migraine" or "unsafe to make the drive".  A motley crew we are.  But I told them yesterday that at least we now have each other to share those things with.  Before them, I had few people I could just pick up my phone and talk to who would TRULY know what I was going through.  Now, even though we aren't getting together, at least the Lord has put us all on a cross-path and we were able to meet.

Today I am thankful for the fact that I am ambulatory despite the crap weather and that my home did not become damaged in the tornado last night.  Also, I've lost 19 out of the 30 pound goal I'm working on, so, thankful my efforts are paying off.  Yay me!!