Inspirational favorites. Just LOVE these two.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

My favorite lines of each are highlighted.  Which lines hit you in the heart?  

Have happy, happy days.

Marie

PS:  Evy is on my lap now, which doesn't happen much anymore so I feel compelled to keep writing.  She is firmly diagnosed with Stage 3 kidney disease (out of 4 stages) and the struggle is getting her to eat the special food.  I also have to give her a pill twice a day.  If we can't keep her appetite up, then we will have to go to subcutaneous fluids. Just an update on her.  There is no fixing it, just treating it as it gets slowly worse.  She is such a love and there will be a void the size of a battleship in this home when we lose her.  

Copy & Paste Bullet Points

Earlier this year, I sent the following to a loved one who was struggling.  I think it helped her.  I have zero energy/spoons today.  I feel extremely disoriented like I just woke up from having slept for a year and I have no idea what's going on.  I am getting dizzy spells along with growing pain.  So, I am not going to spend any further time out of bed.  This is copied and pasted from that email:

1.  There is no rule that says you must be ok all the time.  What you must be is true to yourself and caretaker for yourself.  The End.

2.  Every single feeling you have, love, rage, jealousy, anger, joy, all of them - are normal.  They are in us and part of us and we can learn about ourselves from each one.  None are abnormal or disposable or bad.  

  I call mine "The Mini-Marie Army".  I literally picture myself surrounded by a few dozen tiny clones of me, like 2 ft tall.  Each Mini holds a sign.  When her sign, her feeling comes up, she gets to use her voice.  Every single mini me is as important as every other.  No feeling or emotion should be squelched or denied or tell myself I shouldn't feel that way.  That dishonors my little army and the person God made me to be.  That feeling is real, valid, and she deserves her voice.  And, after I let her speak, the feeling flows away like water in a stream.  And in this image, this visual fantasy I draw support from, I also am never, ever alone.  I have all these dozens of versions of myself to give me strength.

Also, if I try only to let the OK mini-Marie speak (from #1) and none of the others, think of how much goes unsaid, unlearned, stopped up.  

3.  At the edge of the unknown, we have two choices.  Fear or curiosity.  Usually, we choose fear because its easy and we've chosen it for so long its habitual and we are comfortable in it.  But, if I imagine I am really at the edge, and I don't know what is in the next step, I wonder if there is gravity, I wonder if I could float or fly, I wonder how I will solve obstacles and cope with limitations.  Curiosity implies hope and life-giving energy.  Problem-solving.  Creativity.  ON the other hand if I choose to just predict my future, in spite of the next step being entirely UNKNOWN, and either back away or fall, expecting to do so (since I'm now some kind of psychic and I know whats gonna happen.).  

4.  It is super easy to go about our business and not ask for help.  Just the fact that its hard to do and people avoid it and it makes even the toughest of us uncomfortable PROVES that it takes incredible courage to do it.  You have within you the courage you need to do it.  Just let that little Mini-you speak.  

5.  I wonder what I look like in Christ's eyes.  He, above all, understands exactly what I suffer, exactly how I feel.  And I wonder if I am honoring Him by respecting myself and my needs.  Sure, life feels crappy some days.  Yes, it would be easier to wallow in self-pity.  But, he made me amazing.  I know that and it is up to me to be as close to that as I can even with my limits.  He made each person special.  Just some decide they want to take on the role of victim or helpless or whatever.  I know He can smile when He sees me because I continue to try, and when I need to, I sit down and grieve (Jesus wept), and then I do next what ever respects my body.  

Top 10 actions I have taken to improve quality of life this year

1.  Let go fully of any thinking other than just giving my entire life and being to Christ.

2.  Tried vegetarian diet for about 5 months.  Discovered several foods that I am keeping in my diet even though I have gone back to being omnivore.  Quinoa, tofu, hummus, Greek yogurt, a huge variety of salads, pizzas, pastas.  There is some truly great good-for-you food out there.

3.  Bought a Magic Blanket.  I seriously don't know how I slept through nights without one.

4.  Began supplements from Gut Sense.  Finally feeling some relief in that realm.

5.  Truly learned not to push myself on "good" days.  Pushing = overdoing, for me ALWAYS.

6.  Tell every person I come in contact with to "have a good day".

7.  Bought a pendant of Jesus and an angel in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Keeps in my mind the aloneness he felt then, similar probably to the aloneness I sometimes feel.  I can not tolerate a chain, so I replaced it with a leather cord and wear it whenever I'm not in bed.

8.  Sleep with a heating pad on my feet.

9.  Forgive myself EVERYTHING.

10.  Ask Christ to just "be" with me.  Daily.  Sometimes hourly.  Somehow, I keep surviving.

Nightmare. If you love me, beware. If you don't, this is quite interesting.

So, I have decided to share this repeated nightmare I have here just in case it might resolve it in my head and it might change or stop.  I have it frequently.  When I told my fantastic psychologist about it, and she explained the likely meaning to me, we were both emotional.  I cried.  And I have cried over it since.  Whenever I wake up from it, I am careful to lie there for a few minutes remembering it and committing important parts in my mind.  Then I go straight to the laptop and just type nonstop until it’s all out.  So I have several pages of it and only a bit of variation, like maybe the location.  The gist is the same.  As is the ending.

The person in the dream who is against me is always a member of my close family of origin (meaning my folks and siblings).  It is always that same member.  I treasure this person, as I do all five, and would not inflict hurt feelings for anything.  So, I am going to be gender non-specific and call the person Jamie, as that could be male or female.    After you read, I think you will agree that none of us would ever want to be in this Jamie’s position in a loved one’s dream.

Here goes:  I’m going to tell the school version but, there is a party version, a camping version, a supermarket version.

In my dream, Jamie and I are a couple, as well as siblings, which is weird, I know. She/he is unchanged in that she’s normal in almost every way except in how it applies to me.  (I’m just going to use she for ease of writing.)  So in private, she becomes diabolical.  I try to figure out a way to escape from her but, I can’t.  She says she’s going to kill me, it’s just a matter of when.  She will not let me out of her sight.  She is everywhere I go, magically.   She insinuates herself in everything I do.  Finally, I get to tell a couple of people what she has said about killing me and they won’t help.  I don’t know whether they don’t believe me or they don’t want to get involved or what.  Finally an old teacher of mine helps me (we are in a school and not one I ever went to).    At that point, the teacher and every other person in the class, all people I have been friends with in my life, try to hide me from Jamie.  She storms the school looking for me with a gun.  Everyone is terrified.  They think she doesn’t care about hurting them so, they try to protect me.  She shoots them to get to me.  They sneak me out of the classroom and into a bathroom and then they form a wall of protection for me again.  Jamie finds us.  She doesn’t even want me back or to have control over me anymore.  She just wants to kill me.  She has gone crazy with hating me.  I am so confused.  I don’t understand how this can be the case.  I am so bewildered as I just try to survive.  One old boyfriend in the class tells me he will do anything to protect me and I realize I should never have left him to be with Jamie.  He tries to figure out a way to save me but, he can’t. 

Jamie is crazy with wanting me dead.  Jamie always tells me this well before the immediate danger of it, too.  She seems normal to others, just crazy to me.  People don’t believe me when I ask for help.  I am afraid every second of every day.  I even ask strangers for help.  I tell every person I can what danger I’m in and no one helps.  When I finally find someone who will help hide me, because that’s the only way to protect me, (Jamie can’t be fought or killed), the hider is always in such danger.  Every person I know is in danger as she searches everywhere for me.  Every friend I’ve ever had is at risk.  She always finds me.  She always delights in getting ready to kill me. 

(Jamie seems to be able to smell me out.  Once I hid in a department store in a rack of clothes and she walked straight to me as if somehow she knew right where I was.)  Sometimes I needed to run and couldn’t because of my pain.  I am always confused and fearful.

I dream all the way through being killed by Jamie most dreams.  It is usually up close and personal with a knife (a KitchenAid knife that’s in my kitchen right now!), a really big chopping knife.  I do not scream.  I am quiet.  She just quietly inserts it into my abdomen and I die.  There is no fight, no struggle.

NOW – here is the really sad part – Jamie represents my illness, the literal genetic component of my illness.  I guess I could have given the pretend name Gene, lol.  So, if you read again and substitute the word illness/genetics for the word Jamie, it really does explain how deeply I am affected subconsciously by my fibro. 


To my family of origin:  It is not important at all which of you is Jamie.  It is not about any of you as people.  Jamie just represents my very close genetic bond to you.  It is my illness chasing me, that’s all.  I thought long and hard before publishing this because I would not do it if I thought you would take it on as your responsibility and feel hurt by it.  Please don't do that.

I sincerely hope that in the telling, maybe I can change the dream.  I have tried to change it many times but, can't seem to get out of the cycle.  

Don't think I don't have super great dreams, either.  I have another that is frequent as well and that one has me smiling in my sleep (so says Tim) and I wake up smiling.  Now, darlings, that is a dream.  I am gonna keep that one for myself for now.   There is no better way to begin a day than waking up smiling.  

Have happy, happy days!

Like Christmas morning in 1977

So, in '77 I was 9 yrs old (I think, I'm not super strong with math anymore.  Never was, really).  I don't know what I got for Christmas that year but, my joy this morning feels pretty comparable to what I estimate it was on that day.  Ginormous.

I just took a medium-sized walk with Oscar and came home with a bit of energy leftover and also, DID NOT REGRET HAVING DONE IT!  That is a giant step forward no matter how you look at it.  From every angle, a blessing, a gift.  (My walks come in sizes like french fries, small, medium, large.)  It is super humid already this morning and probably low 90's.  

Also, my super sweet husband noticed that I left my cane at home and was worried that I maybe needed help since I didn't tell him I was going to be attempting a medium walk and he expected me home in small walk time.  He was pulling out of the driveway to find me while we were just passing in front of the neighbors house on the way home.  (I have 2 canes and 2 wheelchairs.  A wheelchair lives in the back of the car always, or ideally, always.  The other is for inside the house.  Or if I want to walk O from it and husband has inconveniently driven car to work.  I have a single cane, standard, regular that I use to go on walks ONLY.  This cane is no good to me if I may need to stand still at all.  The other, my regular, everyday one, I call Pokey, is quad-footed.  I had left quad Pokey home and Tim had forgotten about single Pokey since he doesn't see me use it very often. So he thought I was actually out in the world with NO cane. Don't I wish.)

About an hour later........had enough energy to unload and reload the dishwasher and have a bath.

Am now going to make zucchini salad for my lunch and then, fingers crossed, actually make a batch of granola bars before my nap.  I know, I know.  Lofty goals for me this day.  I will go slow.  Listen to my body talk and if it says, no Ma'am, no granola bars today, I will obey.  

So fun to type this and be smiling.  So fun.  Monumentally fun.  

Have happy, happy days!

Pretty things I made out of string and various yarn bombs

My friend Sharon is credited with teaching me how to crochet one Sunday afternoon last year.   I have unfortunately become kind of a maniac.  It is such a soothing, rhythmic action.  And the yarns are so soft and pillowy.  I just love it. It calms me.  My hands do get stiff if I'm working on a tight row (the amigurimi, especially) but I use an ergonomic thingy for the hook and that helps some.  Mostly, I just have to put it down every 10 min. or so. Now, I don't strive for perfect pieces.  I am not that gal.  I strive for pretty good.  Happy there.  Pics below of some stuff I've done.  The yarn bombs are super fun.  Right now there is only one up, the telephone pole one, oh, and also my cane is always bombed.  I have made a few other cane bombs so, will put those on my cane and photograph too, at some point.  I made those extras to give away so, if you know someone who'd like one and it would make them feel better about using their cane, email me.

Awwww shucks, folks.....

It means more to me than I know how to phrase that I have gotten such lovely emails about this blog.  It is quite personal, clearly.  The last think I'd want is to seem like I was reaching for pity or sympathy.  And I was concerned it may come across in that light.  I am so relieved to know that it is enjoyable and moving.  I want to keep on writing.  I am going to count on you, my core few, to spread the word to others who may like/need it.  That is more work than I have energy for.  Some spoons have got to be saved for stuff like laundry and dishwasher loading.  I did make a Face Book page for it but, I am going to be careful not to spend too much time on there.  I discovered when I was on it before, I don't really enjoy it much of the time but I came to feel an obligation toward it.  That won't happen again.  I really just created the Coping Marie Style page there to help promote this blog to other fibro folks.

Today's victory:  Evy peed in all 4 litter boxes several times but, never on anything else in the last 36 hours.   Woot woot!  We will find out tomorrow what her blood tests show about how much the subq fluids lowered her numbers this week.  Fingers crossed.  She's our sweet, sweet girl.  She has been here with me almost since the beginning of this chapter of my life.  I got sick in March 05 and was crazy lonely at home until we got her in Aug 05.  She's been by my side for all the tears and giggles.

Thanks again for all your kind words to me.  It is super encouraging and very much appreciated.

Have happy, happy days!!